January 30, 2006

I miscarried on Saturday. The doctor gave me medicine to cause it after the ultrasound on Thursday showed no heartbeat. It started a lot earlier than I thought it would. I took the medicine at 11 and it started about 2:30. I had hoped it wouldn't start until later, when my husband would be home from work. I ended up getting very little sleep because of the cramping. In the end it wasn't scary. It was like a really, really bad period. My husband took very good care of me the rest of the day and since. I had called my mom Friday night to tell her. I couldn't do much but cry. My sisters both called over the weekend, they have been great. I could care less whether my brother and his family ever know. My SIL doesn't like me anyway. I'm sure she would make all the proper sympathetic noises though. Then she would go talk about me behind my back. I went back to the doctor today to see if all the tissue had been expelled. It has been, but they still want to monitor my hormone levels. I have to go back on Friday. I really don't want to have to keep going back. I want it to be done. I want to start moving on with life. I want to get myself back in shape. I had lost some weight before getting pregnant, but I think I've put it back on since. I haven't exercised since the start of this IVF cycle. I need to start doing that kind of thing - moving on. I'm not sure when they'll let me start working out. I know that physically, I'm not ready today - but I will be soon. I just hope that when I feel like I can move forward in that direction, I'm not being held back psychologically by having to continue with monitoring by the doctor.

January 23, 2006

I heard this morning on the radio that today is the gloomiest day of the year. It is. That's for damn sure. Life is not so good anymore. I'm pregnant, but it doesn't look like I'll be that way much longer. I had an ultrasound this morning. The baby hasn't grown as expected in the last week and it's heartbeat is not as fast as they would expect. My doctor expects that when I go back on Thursday for another ultrasound, there will no longer be a heartbeat. I knew that this could happen - that getting pregnant was only a small part of the battle. It just hurts so much and I can't even go home and cry. I have to get the budget finished and to the printer by the end of the day. All I want right now is to be in my husband's arms and I can't have that. I was really beginning to believe that this was happening and that we would have a healthy baby. We had such hopes. I know that we could still get a miracle, but the odds are not with us.

It's hard to keep a secret. I'm keeping a good one. I don't want to tell it just yet because I don't want to jinx it. Silly - right - but I'm somewhat superstitious - remember it was my fault the Giants lost the playoff game, all because I tivoed it.

I'm heading to DC tomorrow for a couple of days of meetings. I will not see my husband until Friday evening. He has to work tonight - so saying goodbye to him this morning was tough. I reminded myself though, that this was not as bad as when he went to New Orleans.

He had rope training with the FDNY yesterday. All FDNY firefighters have been given personal safety ropes. This is in response to the tragedy of about one year ago, when 6 guys were forced to jump about 5 stories down from a burning building. 2 were killed. One walked away with very few injuries, but the others suffered severe injuries. So yesterday, he was learning how to use the new ropes they have been given.

Football wise - I'm now rooting for Carolina and Pittsburgh. I've never much cared for Denver and I like the coach from Carolina - he's a former Giants coach. I wanted the Colts to win on Sunday, but I knew that interception reversal was wrong and didn't want to see them win as a result of that. I think things worked out as they should.

January 9. 2006

Life continues to be good. Except for the Giants. I am so disappointed. I feel like it's my fault. I tivoed the game. Ever time I tivo a game, they lose. I thought about it, but said to my self "Self, really, your tivoing the game will have absolutely nothing to do with the outcome." Ha! I set the tivo because I was going to a get together with some friends that I had never met before. Sounds funny doesn't it. I was meeting up with a bunch of ladies that I chat with online on a regular basis. It was so nice to meet all of them. Well worth missing the game. I was exhausted afterwards though. It was a long drive and I tire easily these days. Well, sportswise, at least UCONN had a halfway decent weekend. I'm bummed that the girls lost to Tennessee. I hate Tennessee and Pat Summitt. But - the boys won and it was an exciting game. I would, however, prefer they be a little less exciting. I know that because I'm a girl, I probably should prefer watching the women's team, but I just find the men's game so much more exciting. Now that the Giants are out, I will focus on UCONN sports. I'll still be watching football of course - must have football on Sundays. I will be rooting for Indianapolis to win it all. I think that I would like to see Chicago win the NFC. As long as New England and Washington go no further, I'll be happy.

January 5, 2006

Life continues to be good. Life is busy though - and getting busier. The budget madness is starting. A little funny from earlier this week - you know when someone tries to show off their knowledge of a topic - or maybe tries to trip you up? Someone did that with me this week, in a public meeting. She asked me about implementing an accounting standard - would it be difficult for us and what were the financial implications. It was embarassing. We implemented that standard 2 years ago. In fact, everybody - except the very very small entities - had to have implemented it by the end of the last fiscal year. And financial implications? Uh - the standard just changed our reporting, no financial implications. I suppose that part of the question wasn't too bad - but she really blew it with the first part. There's actually another standard that's out that she should have asked about. It would have indicated real knowledge on her part and there could be financial implications with that one.
Anyway, as I say, life is good, but I'm tired a lot these days - so off to the couch to watch one of my obsessions - CSI!

January 1, 2006

Happy New Year! Life is good. Here's hoping we all have a healthy, happy year filled with love and friendship. I hope it is also filled with lots of victories for the NY Giants, the Yankees and UCONN! :)