Friday Photos

Let's start off with the Boom Doggie. Then we have the finished Baby Surprise Jacket, which will be delivered to the recipient tomorrow. Next week, I'll load up the pictures of yesterday/today's snow storm - but for now -off into the snow we go.

Screw it. I give up. I quit.

Every feel like saying that? I do. Today. Sometimes, I just have no fight in me. I got on the scale this morning. I had expected to gain last week, based on our meals out. I was good this week though and really did some serious exercising. I lost not one ounce. The scale did not budge. It is so frustrating. Why do I bother. Why not just eat all the chocolate I want and get fat. And my panty hose feel tight this morning. Pisses me off. Then there's some of the stupid shit at work. I don't know why I let it get to me sometimes. We allow wasteful spending because none of the elected officials have the balls to say anything to the special interest groups. The Library - world's, no wait universe's best library - gets to spend our money with no checks because after all - they are the universe's best library. Why do I get aggravate anymore? I know the deal. And then there's the volley fire houses. We have three. One is really good about spending our money. One is ehhh and the third wastes our money. They are getting a new truck. It's costing a couple hundred thousand more than it should and they'll get it because no one will say no. The other departments bitch about them and could stop them - but do they? no. Then there's the in-laws. My MIL is trying to plan a get together of my family. What's up with that? She's a lovely woman. I really like her. I'm happy that she likes my family. But I'm not happy that she seems to be trying to become part of my family. I need a little separation there.  It's not that I don't see her actions as nice and well intended, but I more see that she is trying to take away that separation - that Chinese Wall - that I need between my family and my in-laws. It's not that I think my MIL would ever do anything mean or bad to me, but I need a place to retreat and be cocooned from in-law interference - and if we become one big happy family - well that's just shot. And this weekend we're headed to Maine to the BIL's for a 1st birthday party for the nephew. I expect that I'm going to be pretty much done by the time we come home. The baby is adorable. I love him. I like knitting for him. But it will be a weekend of being reminded of what I don't have and will never have. I will have to keep a happy face on all weekend. It won't always be a strain - but I'm thinking that by the time we head for home, I will have wanted to head home hours ago. Too much baby, too much togetherness, too much Maine in the middle of the freakin' winter. I would really like to just curl up in a ball and say "I quit" sometimes. Just accept defeat and wallow in it. Today is one of those days.

Letting go of hurt

Can you let go of a 30 year old hurt? I'm trying. It's not that I particularly want a relationship with the person who hurt me, I just think it's not good for me to carry a 30 year old hurt around. But it's hard. It's freakin' hard. I still want satisfaction. I still want her to know she failed me when I need her. I guess the thing is - I need to let it go for me, not for her. I don't want to resume a friendship with her, but I can confirm her friend request on facebook. After all, I am facebook friends with people from our high school class that I never hung out with back then. It would be hard to say no to the person who was my best friend all through high school. But being a facebook friend is as far as I'm willing to let her into my life.

Happiness is....

...not supposed to be the result of someone else's unhappiness. But - it seems to me that the unhappiness is being resolved - so I can be happy about that - yes? So - my brother, who has been referred to here on occasion as the ball-less wonder, has separated from his wife, aka my bitch-in-law. We had all noticed over the years what a different person he was is you saw him away from her. There was lots more wrong with the situation than that. I refer to that because when he called me last week to tell me about the separation, I was talking to the brother we would see when she wasn't around. He sounded good. He sounded not happy, but a peace with the decision he made - and he was the one to call it quits. So, happiness is my brother getting out of an unhappy marriage. I hope the process goes as well as it can go for him.

Friday Photos

Some knitting projects - first a square for the "square a month" knit-a-long, then the unfinished view of my first baby surprise jacket. The ends have all been woven in and the seams sewn, just need to do a little crochet work around the neckline and put the buttons on. I'll post pictures when that's done - you'll get to see the before and after - it's amazing. Finally, some pictures of sunnier days, just to make us all remember that summer does come and it's lovely.

Happiness is....

...having nice neighbors. Right now, it's snow like a you know what. A is out with the snowblower as are our neighbors J & E. They are just moving along, doing the sidewalks and driveways down at our end of the road. Some of the neighbors don't have powerful snowblowers or maybe it's a mom home with the kids while her police officer husband is on duty or an older couple for whom it would be difficult to remove the snow - so these 3 guys are out there taking care of it. Our neighborhood is good about that. I know that later tonight, when A heads off to work, one of these guys will do my driveway and sidewalk if I can't. It's just the way they are. We are very lucky.

Body blows

Sometimes you just get what feels like a body blow. I don't want to talk about it - in fact I feel like I can't talk about it here. So double body blow. This isn't a safe haven for me anymore. Doesn't that suck! It's not my health or anything, not A's or Boomer's health. We're all fine. It's just that I learned something recently and it just felt like WHAM body blow. I hope that someday this kind of thing will not affect me as this did, but I'm not there yet. And sorry for being so cryptic, but I don't feel like I can really go all out and talk about what happened and how I'm feeling because of how it would make one or more of my readers feel, and their feelings are important to me. So, I'm sucking it up. I've had to do that a lot in my life, so nothing new. I'll get through it, but it sucks.

Happiness is...

...watching my puppy dog dash around the yard in the newly fallen snow. I did that this morning. After I cleared the sidewalks, I let the dog out. He was running back and forth across the yard, just having a grand old time. I wish I had brought the video camera out with me! I love when he stops, then gears himself up to dash off in another direction - he kind of rears back and then BOOM he's off. So much fun!

What's up with the dreams?

I still dream about having kids. Or, more accurately, I dream that I have kids. Last night I dreamt that my sister and I were on a road trip with my son. I have to feel bad for my little dreamland toddler - he was named Boomer - just like my dog. And Boomer was not his nickname, it was his name. Slap me for being a bad mother in dreamland here. I don't just dream that I'm a mother. I've often dreamt that my father was alive and well. He's been dead for 28 years. What's up with this stuff? Is it because I want these things to be true, that my subconscious gives it to me in dreams? I do hope that the next time I have a child in my dreams that I have done a better job naming the little guy!