On a happier note...

Christmas generally went well.  I understand fully now what a pain it is for my mother and sister to travel to NY/CT for the holidays all the time.  It was nice to be on the Cape for Christmas - beautiful and quiet out there in the winter.  But I was sad to be away from A, who was working.  We had a family dinner Christmas Eve which was really nice.  One of the neighbors who was alone joined us.  The next day - Christmas - the Boom Doggie and I headed back home to NY.  I headed across the street to the neighbors who had invited us for dinner.  A arrived just after we sat down to eat.  It was a fun evening.  Good food and good friends.  The next day - the blizzard.  We survived.  I worked the snow blower!  Yay me!  A did most of the work, but I did help some.  I made bread during the storm - it was the one thing we didn't have in the house.  I had to improvise the recipe a little - but it was yummy - and smelled so good baking.  It was a little oddly shaped, but still enjoyable.  I did not feel the least bit sorry for the jerk neighbors having to shovel themselves out.  After the husband's party the week before where he and his buddies woke me up 4 times between midnight and 4 am, I told A that we were not helping them with any snow removal this year.  Especially since when I said something to said neighbor at 4 am that night, he waved me off like "buzz off".  Well, happy shoveling buddy.    Boomer ventured out into the snow, not realizing how deep it was.  That was funny.  Unfortunately, I failed to get it on film.  At first.  I did get it later - kind of made him go back out - but I screwed up and didn't put the thingie on my camera which helps block the sun.  So, white dog in blinding white snow - doesn't show up so well.  I did get some great pictures of the little boy across the street playing in the snow.  I asked his dad if it was okay for him to do snow angels so I could get a picture.  I didn't want to encourage him if they would get upset at him getting all snowy.  Later in the day, A and I got a call from the good neighbors asking for help to shovel out an older couple down the street.  So, off we went.  It felt good to help someone out - someone who needed it and deserved it.  Now, the Boom Doggie is off in doggie daycare, we'll be off to Arizona for the football game.  The weather will be better than here - but not by much!  No shorts - but that's okay since my legs are pasty, winter white right now.  Hoping for a good game - GO UCONN!

Merry Fucking Christmas or Why I'm Glad We're Not Seeing the In-laws For the Holiday

I got a text from my brother-in-law this morning.  "Make sure to check A*'s blog today."  (A* would be the nephew, their almost two year old.)  I had a bad feeling.  I just had a bad feeling what was going to be on the blog.  They are expecting again.  Merry Fucking Christmas.  Just a freaking reminder of my failure.  Just in time for the holidays.  I know that I will love the niece/nephew to be - but their success is a reminder of my inability to have children.  It's not their fault.  But that doesn't mean I'm not sitting here with tears running down my face as I type this.  And I must add - what an asshole way to tell family that you are expecting another child - an announcement on your fucking blog?  So now, I'm really glad that we insisted on no second Christmas this year.  At least I won't have to deal with it for a while.  I can go to my mother's today for a few days and be safe.
I just wanted children so much and while I'm finding my way to living a happy life without children, I don't think it will ever stop hurting on some level.

Happiness is...

...a Christmas tree.  I had not planned to put up our Christmas tree this year.  We are not hosting the holiday and I thought it was just too much work putting it up and taking it down (mainly taking it down) when we would be the only ones to see it.  I came home from work Tuesday night, and A had put up the tree with just the topper and a single garland - the tree is pre-lit.  It was so pretty, just simple.  And he did it because he loves me.  Am I the luckiest girl in the world or what!

Friday Photos

Today - a collection of outtakes from previous Christmas card shoots - starring Boomer of course.  The last picture is the one going on our cards this year - a nice snow scene.

Happiness is...

...going bowling.  Not ten pin, not duckpin, but BCS FOOTBALL BOWLING!  UCONN won the Big East and is headed to the Fiesta Bowl - and so are we!!  It's a tad expensive - but who knows when we'll be back in a BCS bowl, so we are doing it.  When they won the game Saturday night - on a 52 yard field goal with only 17 seconds left no less - I thought I might pass out from the sheer excitement of the moment.  A was working, so Boomer and I were high-fiving it alone.  I did my part to help the team, wearing what I know consider to be my "lucky away game watching shawl" formerly known as my shetland triangle shawl.