December 26, 2005

Christmas was lovely. We had my mother, sisters, one sister's boyfriend and dog for brunch Christmas morning. It was a little tight in our apartment, but nice to be together. I've been off my diet, but that was partly due to the potential pregnancy. I figure that now is not the time to be dieting. Okay - that's my excuse for eating without boundaries at the moment. I haven't really been dieting, just eating healthier, which was helping me to lose weight. Instead of snacking on chips and cookies, it was celery and apples. So - I've been slacking. My pregnancy test is Wednesday, but I plan to get back to healthy eating tomorrow (Tuesday). I am nervous about the beta. (Beta - IVF talk for pregnancy blood test.) I am hopeful and fearful. After the retrieval, my husband asked me what would I do if it as negative, but the RE said I could try again. I really don't know. I've had my mind set, accepting that this was the last try. What would I do if he said I could go again. Hopefully, that won't become an issue.

December 18, 2005

We put back a basketball team yesterday - or as my husband terms it, a truck company (fire department lingo there). None were grade 1, but there were several grade 1.5. One of the five embryos was actually a morula - not quite a blast. I have no idea if that one is any more likely to implant. So - we're praying a lot. We're talking to the little guys and girls, asking them to stick around. I'm taking it as easy as I possibly can - even cancelling meetings at work - but somehow I still have to go to the dentist.

Now - I must say - GO TIKI! What a game yesterday!! And the makeshift offensive line did well. The defensive line stepped it up too, when they needed it. Go Big Blue. I think I will make this post blue in their honor!

December 17, 2005

In two hours, they'll be transferring some of my little baseball team back into my uterus. I'm excited. I'm anxious. I wonder if any embryos not put back will make it to freezing. More than anything though - I am so hopeful that this works.

December 15, 2005

The retrieval went better than expected yesterday. Way better. I went in expecting them to retrieve 4 to 6 eggs. When I woke up from the anesthesia and asked the nurse "how many" I guess I was still a bit groggy. I saw her hold up 6 fingers. I missed the first 10. They got 16 eggs! Like I said - way better than expected. The RE thought that some might be immature. Only 2 were immature. Out of the other 14, 9 fertilized. I've got my own baseball team!! I am very pleased with the results! Hopefully they will continue to divide and we'll have a bunch of good eggs to put back in on Saturday. I didn't say anything silly this time - that I know about anyway. Well - except for when the RE told me they got 16 eggs and I said "No bleepin way" except I didn't really say bleepin. The nurse did tell me that as they finished up with the retrieval, they were talking about how some patient told the RE that he looked like Richard Gere. They were going back and forth about it. Apparently, as they wheeled me out, I woke up, said "Richard Gere, I don't think so" and then went back out. I have no memory of that.

Now a drug update. No more shots in the belly. For the next several days, I take an antibiotic twice a day and a steroid once a day. I will stop those after the transfer. Then there's the fun stuff. I take prometrium pills in the evening. They put me to sleep. In the morning, I have to take a progesterone shot. It gets done with a "big ass" needle - literally. The shot goes in your butt. It's an intramuscular shot. You should see this thing! Most women have their husband or partner do it. Due to my husband's schedule, I have to do them myself half the time. He gets the left butt cheek, I get the right. It's not easy. I have to stand in front of a mirror and kind of contort myself. I'm always anxious as I go to do it - but I get it done. The shot itself really doesn't hurt. I ice the area before hand. A day later though, it is sore - like I worked out too much.

This whole thing has really cut into my Christmas shopping time. I won't be able to do anything this weekend - I'll be on bedrest. I really want to try to take it easy next week - no flying to Chicago this time! But that also, for me, means that I don't want to be out doing a boatload of Christmas shopping. I'm trying to do most of it over the internet. We will have to do some in person, but I think I can limit that. I want to give the little guys their best shot at sticking.

December 13, 2005

Tomorrow is retrieval day. I'm definitely ready. I can feel my ovaries! It's not as bad as when I had the 15 follicles going. That time, if I went over bumps in the road, I was seriously uncomfortable.
I had to go in for more bloodwork this morning - to make sure I did the trigger shot correctly. I have no idea how much blood they have taken from me over the months - but I'm thinking it's a lot. I know it's a lot. So - what's the trigger shot? It's human chorionic gonadatrophin aka hcg. And please don't quote me on the spelling. The hcg does something with making the eggs mature. It's also the hormone that they measure in a pregnancy test. There are some side-effects the first few days. Basically, you get some of the symptoms of pregnancy.
Tomorrow, they'll put me out. The first time, I woke up saying all sorts of fun stuff to my husband. There's not a whole lot of pain - but it does usually hurt to laugh afterwards and to dance. I'll probably end up sleeping most of tomorrow afternoon. Then back to work for a day or two and then the transfer. There will, of course, be many more drugs in the days to come.

December 12, 2005

I trigger tonight. I've got at least 4 follicles - so off to egg retrieval we will go. This is a faster response than I've had in the past, but a smaller response. Will that make a difference? Who knows. It only takes one. It looks like I'll be doing a lot of my shopping over the internet, so as to keep my post-transfer activity to a minimum. I certainly won't be flying off to Chicago 3 days later this time!

December 11, 2005

I went for another follicle check this morning. I'll definitely be going ahead with an IVF, but it's looking like there may be only 4 follicles. That's a bit of a downer. The first time we did it, they retrieved 15. Last time, where it was iffy whether or not I would have enough to make it to retrieval, I ended up with 6. Now, only 4. I know it only takes one. To a certain extent though, I feel like it's a game of percentages. With 15 eggs, there was a much bigger chance that I would get a lot fertilized and at least one or two would get to 8 cell grade 1 embryo status. With only 4 - who knows. I shouldn't complain though. I've read, on message boards that I frequent, of twenty-somethings who produced 20+ eggs and got no fertilization or ended up with poor quality embryos. It's possible, but the numbers are just a little disappointing right now. They are also confusing. Why one month did I produce 15 and this time only 4? I know that a lot of this is a guessing game. It's trial and error to find the protocol that produces the best results.
Oh - the other thing today - looks like my retrieval will be Wednesday or Thursday. I sure didn't expect it to be that fast. I guess the thing is I have one follicle that is leading the pack and driving things - so we're going by the size of that one.
So - what else is up? Playoff today in fantasy football. I'll probably get my butt kicked, but that's okay. I've had fun. I'm working on a sweater for my husband. I like knitting, but I tend to work on projects a lot for a week or so, then put them down for months. Maybe I'll finish this sweater before our 20th anniversary! :)
I suppose I'm going to have to get off my butt and do some Christmas shopping. I had hoped to maybe take Wednesday off to do it - but I may be otherwise occupied that day. Hmmmmm internet shopping may be the thing this year!

December 9, 2005

So - it snowed today. I had to go to the RE for my follicle check and bloodwork. They take you between 7 am and 8 am for that. It's normally about a 30 minute ride for me. I figured with the snow, I had best leave early. Good thing. The town I live in had not plowed yet. Oh joy - me in my little sports car going through the freshly fallen snow! I-95 was not bad. Then I get to the Rte 7 connector in Connecticut. The bleepin' ConnDOT had not yet plowed it. As I'm approaching the end, going up the hill towards a traffic light, I'm behind a Transit bus - which is sliding to the left. I'm wondering why they had not put chains on the bus! I made it to the RE at 7:59. I'm sure they made allowances for the weather this morning and were doing monitoring later than normal.
So - how are the follies doing? I've got a couple that seem to be outpacing the others. This could be a problem. They like them to progress at the same speed. The RE doesn't seem to worried about it yet. Other than that, I seem to be right on track.
I'm looking forward to a quiet weekend. I'll watch some football, maybe do a little knitting and just relax. I'm afraid that I may get knocked out of my fantasy football playoffs in the first week - but that's okay. I made the playoffs and that's enough for me. This year. Next year - I want it all!

December 6, 2005

Not much to say today except - I made the playoffs in my fantasy football league! I am so psyched! I'm the only girl in the league! :)

And - I just found out that my meeting tonight is at 6 pm, not 7:45 like I thought. :)

And - one of my cousin's has come through and is hosting Christmas, so I don't have to make a decision to drive to the Cape or not to see my family, they'll be coming here. :) Of course, the downside to that is that I will have to get my apartment "Mom's visiting" clean because Mom will likely spend the night with me.

December 5, 2005 - afternoon

Now it's the afternoon. More time to post. So - I'm back in the saddle again - or more accurately, the stirrups. My last IVF cycle has begun. I start the drugs on Saturday. I got the expected headaches yesterday from the one drug. I expect that sometime today or tomorrow I'll have the usual emotional explosion. Picture what it's like to be PMSing - and multiple that by 4 or 5 times. When you are taking these drugs, your estrogen level increases dramatically. That's what sets off those emotional explosions.

I'm back to the same regimen that I did for my first IVF cycle. I figured I would explain what it's like.

I started with one dose of a lupron on Saturday. It's a shot given with a teeny tiny needle, done sub-cutaneously. I do it in the stomach. Beginning Sunday, I added gonal-f and continue with the lupron. I do this twice a day. The gonal-f comes in a pen. It's really neat. You dial up the dosage you need, pull the plunger out and stick the needle in. For me, one pen gives four doses. For others it's more. This also has a small needle and is done sub-q (I'm real good with the lingo now) and is done in the stomach as well. I think that some women do the shots in their thighs - but for whatever reason, I picture that as hurting. The shots really do not hurt more than an occasional pinch. I sometimes bleed a little and get bruising. Backtracking a little - a week before I started the shots, I started taking one baby aspirin per day. Being on the aspirin leads to a little more bruising than normal. The first shot of lupron gets your ovaries producing somehow. The rest of the lupron shots actually keep you from ovulating. The gonal-f is a hormone that causes the follicles in your ovaries to mature, so that you get more than the one that is normally produced. Later on in the cycle, I will take a shot of human chorionic gonadatrophin to push the follicles to final maturation prior to the eggs being retrieved.

So that's the shots part. The stirrups part is the checkups. The doctors monitor you very carefully. You get ultrasounds and bloodwork on a regular basis. As I get closer to the retrieval, it may be every day. It's really not bad. The only "bad" thing is that I end up with ugly bruises in my arms where they draw the blood. In the summer, that's hard to hide and prompts questions.

That's part one. I'll post about the egg retrieval and transfer and what follows as that comes closer for me.

I'm feeling good about this cycle. It may not work, but at least I will know that we tried everything possible. All along, since we started talking about trying to have a baby, I've pictured us as having a little boy. I want a little boy who looks just like my husband. Funny thing is - as I've started this cycle, I've been thinking more and more about having a little girl. Either way - I hope that if we have a baby, they get my husband's hair! His is a nicer color and it's curly. Mine is a blah brown - well, when it's not dyed that is - and it has no body whatsoever. The biggest negative to this cycle - but well worth it if it works - I have to go through the Christmas party season alcohol free! Like I said though - well worth it if it works.

December 5, 2005 - morning

I labelled this post "morning" because I intend to post more this afternoon. I just want to get these morning thoughts down.

Travelling in to work this morning, after yesterday's snowfall, I see the winter idiots are back in force. I don't get the people who don't clear the snow off their car. Do they not get that snow on the roof can begin to melt and slide down the window obstructing your view? But - better than that - this morning there was a guy on I-95 who didn't clear off his rear window at all. Not one little bit. Okay - I know you can use your side mirrors to see what's behind you - but not totally. Then, I get off 95 and am driving local streets and pass this woman who only cleared the area off her front windshield in front of the driver's seat and did the same in the rear. Are they lazy or dumb?

November 13, 2005

What the heck was up with Eli Manning today? 4 INTs! And the special teams - they rolled over and played dead. Still, thanks to the defense, the Giants were in the game until the end. I was afraid of this. It was a game they should have won.

I'm mostly happy with the results of the elections. My hometown is not one. I'm worried about the guy they elected and what he may do to the town. I'm also unhappy with the results in a town for which I once worked. I don't think too highly of their new mayor. It wouldn't surprise me to see the FBI checking that place out.

So - the baby making gig - where's it at. I'm nearing the end of the cycle we decided to do sans assistance. I'm doing well, feeling good about life. I worry that I will get dragged down again if the next (and last) cycle fails, but I know that with the support of my husband and friends, I will work through it. I posted a while back I think about some of my "online friends" sending me cards of support. My husband said to me that I would get the same support from the rest of my friends and family if I talked to them about it. I know that he's right, but the thing is - I can't. I just know how hard it would be to deal with all the sympathy live and in person. I suppose it's kind of strange - but that's me. And it's not like no one knows that we are trying. My sisters and mother know as does his family and some friends at work and I think half the FDNY (just kidding hon). The difference is that they are not aware of when I am cycling and when I faced the failures. That means that I'm not faced with the failure each time I see them. I did tell my older sister after the first failure. I think that aside from my husband, she understands me the best of anyone in this world. She was great and supportive and handled me how I need to be handled.

Enough baby talk. Let's talk football again. I love baseball and college basketball - but neither do it for me like football. I like to watch the offensive line when I can. You get to see how they move around on different plays. You'll see guards pulling to create the holes. It's great! I also like watching the receivers run the routes - when you can see them - TV doesn't usually show the whole field. I think that part of the reason I love football is that it's played during the fall - my favorite time of year. If I could play football - for real, not fun - I would want to be a safety or corner. They get to do just about all the fun stuff. They get to tackle. They get to intercept passes. Best of all, they sometimes get to sack the quarterback! Okay - off to check my fantasy football team!

November 8, 2005

Today is election day. Sometime later tonight or early tomorrow morning I'll learn what the next two years will be like here at work.

It's a good day out. We don't have bright blue skies, but the temperature is just right for walking. I love to go for walks at lunchtime. It gets me out of the office. When my husband comes for lunch, we walk together. We planned our wedding on our lunchtime walks. Now we are planning the rest of our lives. We talk about the kind of house we would like to buy. We look at houses we pass and talk about what we would do with them or features they have that we want in our future home.

Fall is such a wonderful time to go walking. It's my favorite season. It's football, turning leaves, crisp air, blue skies - I love it. Today, as I walked I got the best of the turning leaves. So many trees are still in full color - the reds, yellows and oranges. The cacaphony of colors is awesome. (Oh dear, I may have just Binkerized my blog.) There are a lot of leaves on the ground too. I love walking through them. The smell is great, the sound is great, the memories are great. Raking leaves was never too bad a chore because you could jump in the pile after you raked them.

When I walk alone, I listen to music. Sometimes it's a special CD for cardio, designed to get me moving fast. More often though, it's a blend I've created. Today I was listening to some Simon & Garfunkel and the Monkees. I love it when it's pre-stereo music and you get some instruments in one ear and some in the other, or you get the lead vocal in one ear and the harmonies in the other. It was a beautiful day to walk - makes you feel good about life.

November 3, 2005

Just a few thoughts - not necessarily related.

I've gotten to know some really nice people through the online world. Today I received cards from some of those people, letting me know that they were thinking of me through my struggles to have a child. It was just one of those moments that made me feel good about the world.

Being married has some less obvious benefits. As a single, you may not have that person to go to when you have one of those scary or annoying "oh crap" moments. When you are married - you have that person to lean on to help you out in the crisis. Tonight I was that person for my husband. He lost his cell phone. He had me to turn to, to help him find it. It was a minor incident, but it made me feel good to be there to help him. He's always there to help me.

How many days until the election? I can't wait for it to be over. I grew up in a political household, but let me tell you, I have no stomach for this crap.

There is one kind of person in this world that just really irritates the hell out of me. It's the person who does something wrong and no matter what you do or say, they will never be convinced that they were anything less than right. I like to win. I can't stand this kind of person because I can't win with them.

I need to send out some change of address cards soon or we may not get any Christmas cards.

This week has been wonderful weather-wise. I've walked every day on my lunch hour. Good thing, because I've eaten chocolate every day too. The leftover halloween candy won't run out soon enough for me!

October 30, 2005

Not a whole lot happening here. I'm using the month off of ART to try and drop 5 pounds. So far, I'm not doing as well as I would like. My willpower is almost non-existent. But - I am getting out to exercise more, so I just need to get the diet a little better in line and I'll be able to do it. Post Halloween will be tough - everyone brings their extra candy to work. That will be a challenge to avoid. I have to remember my old mantra "does this taste as good as being thin feels?" I'm looking more and more at adoption options - the cost is scary. On the good news front, it looks like DH finally has a contract. The retro check should put us where we need to be to start househunting. The question then will be - should we wait another year to have an even bigger downpayment? It may end up being a moot point as the retro checks may not arrive until about when we have to renew our lease or move. That may make the decision for us. The thought of packing up and moving again is not pleasant - but at least I know the next time will be the last time for about 20 years!

October 24, 2005

We had a football weekend. Saturday we got rained on at UCONN, Sunday we got a thrilling victory in the Meadowlands. I love my Giants, I just wish they wouldn't wait until the last second to win the game!

I'm doing better dealing with last week's negative results. I have my moments though when I just feel like bawling my eyes out. Tomorrow I go meet with the RE for a follow-up visit. I'm afraid he'll tell me I'm done. I really just want one more shot, then we'll give it up.

October 20, 2005

I am really struggling today. I don't know why, but this negative result is harder to take than when I had a chemical pregnancy with the last cycle. Maybe it's because I'm starting to think that it won't work and we won't have children. It could also be that my husband had to work all day yesterday and last night and tonight, so I won't see him again until Friday night when I get home from work.

I wish we could afford to adopt. I would do it in a heartbeat. The problem is, it's expensive, where with the IVF, insurance pays for most of it. If we were younger, it probably wouldn't be a problem. Of course, if I were younger, I would probably be able to get pregnant. The issue for us now is that we want a house. We are saving diligently for that. I also think that we would be in a better position to adopt if we had a house. We should be in a house within the next 2 years. But by then I'll be 46 or close to it. Then we would have to save anew for the adoption. I suppose we could borrow somehow - but we would have just borrowed for a house. Anyway, I just see the years slipping away and adoption not being feasible. I need to adjust to this reality.

October 19, 2005

Negative - it's an ugly, depressing word. I'm beginning to think that the positive result is not going to happen for me. We'll give it one more shot, but then that's it.

October 17, 2005

Tomorrow is b-day. I go for my beta test aka pregnancy test. I'm nervous. I have decided that whatever the outcome is, I need to start eating healthier. If it's negative, I'll also get my butt back to the gym. If it is negative, we are taking a month off. My goal will be to lose 5 pounds in that month - should be very do-able. If it's positive - a whole new world begins for us.

Work issues - stupid people, obnoxious people, lazy people, greedy people - all driving me up a wall. There are the ones who show up to work 15 minutes early, spend that 15 minutes getting their coffee and chatting and then want to be paid OT for the 15 minutes. But - when they show up 15 minutes late - well - don't dock me! Or how about the "public policy" people who just hate taxation and government workers and look to pick fights with us and want to show how incompetent we all are and how we are ignorant, etc. Well - aside from the 15 minute club - they are so off base. And it's just so much fun when they get all high and mighty with you when they have no right to do so, but there is just nothing you can say to convince them that they are wrong. After all - they are never wrong. And the sky is green.

Which brings me to - beautiful blue skies!!! What a lovely sight! Three days in a row there has been visible blue sky! After 8 days of rain, it's such a fabulous sight.

October 12, 2005

Since my last post - the good, the bad and the funny. The transfer went well - after they made me lose some of my uncomfortably full bladder 3 times. That was the funny - and the good. When I arrived, one of the nurses told me that I looked too happy to be uncomfortably full. She made me - well strongly suggested it - drink more water. Then when the RE said I was too full - well, I couldn't help but laugh. We transferred 4 eggs of varying sizes and qualities. Hopefully there's a keeper in there! D-day - or is it P-day is next Tuesday.
After resting for the weekend, on Monday I was off to my first board meeting for my professional organization. I was a bit nervous, being a newbie, wondering if I really had the credentials to be there, etc. I guess I did okay. I got a call from one of the officers today thanking me for speaking up on an issue, telling me "good job." In the next year or so, I'll need to start thinking about whether or not I want to try to become President. I wonder sometime if they (the powers behind the throne) already have their eye on someone in my class, hoping to groom them to become President. What if it's me? What if I get pregnant? Would that squash that? Would I squash it? Anyway, the meeting was another part of the good.
The bad? Getting home. Delayed flights. Annoying neighbor on the plane. Her carryon? A pizza! She's telling people they can't put stuff in our overhead bin because they'll crush her pizza.
That's not the real bad though. The Yankees lost. Freakin' A-Rod and Matsui picked a fine time to slump. Time to focus on the Giants.

October 7, 2005

I've been neglectful. Life has been eventful in the babymaking area. A week ago, went to the RE and he was only counting 3 follicles that would make it to harvesting, so he said we are going to do IUI. I go back Sunday thinking I am going to trigger that morning for a Mon/Tues IUI. The doctor walks in and starts talking IVF. Okay. He says the nurses convinced him he was being too strict. Okay. We get on with the ultrasound. I was really in good spirits. We joked about my lagger ovary. Well, it wasn't lagging anymore. I had blossomed over the weekend. I now had 6 candidates! Granted that wasn't as good as the 13 I had going into the last egg retrieval - but way better than 3! So - egg retrieval was Tuesday. Everything went smoothly. All 6 were mature, all fertilized natural, 4 of them looked good as of Wednesday. I go for the transfer today. I have not gotten a call cancelling, so there's at least one to transfer. All it takes is one - right? I'll keep repeating that and maybe believe it some day. So - we go on - PIO shots in the butt each morning, pills, pills, pills each night. The shots are the icky part. The needle is big. It doesn't hurt - except to look at it! :) After, I just feel like I pulled a muscle. I can deal with that. Once again, I realize how lucky I am to be married to my husband. He is just wonderful with all of this. He takes care of me. He does my shots when he is home. He's just the best. I love him so much!

September 28, 2005

This weekend was lovely. We went to the city to celebrate our 1st anniversary. The Yankees remained in first place. The Giants lost - not so lovely. My Friday RE appointment was not so hot, nor was the Monday one or today's. I'm not progressing like I did the last time. There's 1/3 the follicles this time. I have four, so I'm good to go for another IVF, but last time they got 15! The RE says that this response is more typical of a 44 year old. I had such high hopes for this cycle. I just felt that it would work. Now, of course, I'm not feeling the same optimism. Strangely though, I do not feel defeated. I will most likely miss a board meeting at work if we are able to go through and have a transfer. Darn!

September 21, 2005

What a crappy day. I forgot to take my shots before heading to the doctor for bloodwork, etc. So I had to go back home after the Dr appt. That meant driving through the rush hour traffic. I ended up being 45 minutes late for work. What a lovely start to the day. No follicles worth measuring at this point - that has me a little concerned. I guess we'll know better on Friday when I go in again. Color me blue for the day.

September 20, 2005

I'm tryiing to find a Yankee blue or Giants blue to post in. What a night for NY sports!!! Sadly, I had a bit of a headache - thanks to the fertility drug regimen. I was falling asleep during the games - I was switching back and forth between games while hubby slept. Thank goodness for TIVO!! When I woke up to see a Yankee running down the third base line towards home, his teammates awaiting him - I knew I had missed something great. So - I just hit rewind and I got to see Bubba Crosby's home run! AWESOME! We are only 1/2 back and gaining!! Then my beloved Giants won as well. I must say that Eli Manning looked good, Shockey and Burress as well. I felt a little bad that they beat New Orleans, but not that bad.
So, on with my babymaking. I don't remember the headaches lasting for more than a day the last time. Perhaps it is the new drug they added to the mix. Don't know. Tomorrow I go in for bloodwork and ultrasound to see how many little eggs I'm producing!

September 19, 2005

He's home. He's off today getting a battery of tests at the FDNY medical center. It's so good to have him home. I kept hugging him, touching him, looking at him. I'm happy to see his underwear laying on the floor, his socks on the couch - any sign that he's home with me is a good one. I'm sure a week from now - that stuff will drive me nuts, but for now - it's a beautiful sight!
So now for me, the focus is back on babymaking. I've just started stims for a second IVF cycle. I'm right about at the stage where I get all emotional from the hormones. DH may want to head back to New Orleans if I get too bad!!

September 17, 2005

He's coming home! He is on the plane. A few more hours. I can't wait to hold him in my arms.

September 12, 2005

Work is busy as all get out. It will slow down after this week - just as hubby comes home - YAY!!

I think that this is a good thing. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9315184/ There was no way Brown could continue on as FEMA head and be successful.

September 11, 2005

It's hard to believe that it's been 4 years. Today was a beautiful day, just like then. I was pretty much on auto-pilot that day. I spent the day trying to communicate with family, assuring them that my sister, who worked on the 89th floor of 1WTC, was okay. Getting in touch with my mother was the hard part. She was in Ireland. I desperately wanted to reach her before she saw the news. She was off sightseeing and we couldn't get hold of her. She saw it on TV. Some nice man let my uncle, who was with my mother, use his cell phone to call me. When I answered the phone he said "what's going on" to which I responded "who's this?" When I told him my sister was okay, I heard him relay the news. My mother got on the phone and all she was doing was crying.
Today, they had a mass in New Orleans for the FDNY. I know it meant a lot to my husband that they people there made that effort for them. I miss him so much. This is the first anniversary of the attack on which we have not been together. I would like nothing better than to be able to hug him right now. I feel good about what he's doing though. It's hard as hell to be without him, but I know he'll be home soon. Target date is 9/18!!! I can't wait to just have him in my arms and to be in his, to go to sleep listening to him breathe, to smell him, to touch him, to look at him. 7 days. I can do it.

September 9, 2005

What a difference a day makes. I'm feeling so much better today than yesterday. A called last night. We got to talk for a good long time. He is feeling so good about what they are doing. He was "off duty" yesterday. So they went to clear trees off of some of the houses and patch the roofs - I'm still not clear on whether it was fire houses or the firemen's personal homes. He said one of the guys was in tears that they were doing this for them. I think that he is feeling so good about it that it has carried over to me. Today he is on duty again, but I'm not feeling as worried as I had been.

September 8, 2005

I had a meltdown last night. Over Fantasy Football. Not really - but that's what kicked it off. The stress of my husband being away is kind of getting to me. I hadn't heard from him - still haven't - since early Wednesday morning. He was on his way to the staging area, going on duty as a firefighter. So, I had a good cry over my inability to get into the fantasy football draft. I needed it. The auto-draft ended up giving me a decent team - although a few too many defenses and not enough WRs.

September 6, 2005

Not a day like any other. Yesterday my husband, along with about 300 of his co-workers, left for New Orleans to assist in the relief effort. My husband is a firefighter. This really led me to start this blog. It seems like a good way to get my feelings down - get them out. I won't post links - I think you all know what they are facing.

So - I'm scared. Are the gangs with the guns still out there? What kind of shots did he get before going? Can you believe that each time I've gotten to talk to him (only twice since he got there) I forgot to ask if they gave them shots! I know he has a roof over his head, a dry place to sleep, water to drink and food (MREs) to eat. But what about disease? What if he gets injured at a fire down there? I have the utmost respect and admiration for military wives. I don't know how they do it.