More pictures

We finally got the "big" computer hooked up, so I've been able to upload pictures again. These are some before and after pictures of the yard. There are a lot of Rose of Sharon bushes - or trees - and several regular rose bushes. There are lilies of some sort and one of the neighbors said there are daffodils. Then there were the weeds. We've gotten them out best as we can, but I know we need to do more. I'll be planting some bulbs soon - tulips and maybe crocuses and daffodils. A is trying to get the grass going in the front. It's a challenge! So - the first two are before....



and then a few after.....

We're in!

We moved in two weeks ago. We're still unpacking! And that doesn't take into account the stuff in storage. I'll have to take some more pictures - but I really wanted to wait until we had everything organized. Last weekend was just so much fun - Ernesto turned out the lights. Tropical Storm Ernesto cause major outages in our area. A was off at a funeral on Long Island for the FDNY Lieutenant killed in a fire earlier that week. We didn't get the power back on until late Tuesday afternoon. Not fun people! It didn't help me that A was working much of that time. And my mood was not too good as this past week was my due date for the baby I lost in January. That weighed heavily on me all week. I'm doing better with that now.

We really like our neighborhood. The people we have met are all very nice. There are a decent number of young - 5-9 yrs old - kids in the neighborhood. The street is quiet enough that they can play in the street. The other night, they were playing football across our front lawn and the neighbors. A & I sat on the front porch eating our dinner and watching the kids. We do have to get the dining room all set up so that we can eat like normal people at a table! We still have other work to do in the house, like painting trim, but we're getting there. The first time A showered, the tub took forever to drain. I had known from the house inspection that it was slow - but didn't know it was that slow. We tried all sorts of uncloggers - nothing was working. Then we thought that the stopper was stuck in the closed position. Plunging seemed to help get the water down faster, but wasn't solving anything. Then - don't know what I did - but one morning I was plunging away and the water started moving down faster. I fixed it. Don't know how - but it's fixed. I am scared to flip the stopper on for fear that will cause a problem again. I intend to buy one of those plastic stoppers. They are not the best - but they work. I think that I'm going to compile a list of "things to be done" and keep track here - see how fast we knock things off the list!

It's not a jungle anymore!

I don't know how much you'll be able to tell from the pictures, but this past week, A. has done a lot of work on the yard. The front hedges are now neatly trimmed. The weeds are gone, the Rose of Sharon trees (or are they bushes) have been trimmed. Things are looking good. On the inside, the floors are done and the carpet is in. It looks great. Moving day is Thursday. We can't wait!

Getting There!

I've been out of town, so I haven't posted any updates. Last weekend was busy. The rooms are all painted. Most of the trim is done. We focused on getting the low trim done as that had the greatest risk of getting paint on the floors. Any of the upper trim that was not finished will be done very carefully. The work on the floors being finished up today, so soon I'll have pics of that too! Then carpet in the attic on Monday and we're almost all set. Wednesday they come to put in some new phone jacks - hopefully that will be possible. I can't believe there was only one jack in the whole house. So - these are pictures of the living room and stairs. The living room is all taped off so we can do the trim. The last is a picture of the master bedroom. I really like the color we chose. It's soft and calming, but not too girly.

Coloring my world

For 12 years, I have lived with white or off-white walls. I miss color. I have really enjoyed being able to pick out the colors for our new house. I can't wait to be living life in color once more! The living room is done except for the trim, after my several day obsession with the walls. I couldn't decide if 2 coats had been enough to cover the yellow, so I finally just painted a 3rd coat. The guest bedroom walls are done. I have one coat on the master bedroom walls - ran out of light today - and I am loving the color. So - some before and after shots!

Goodbye Stripes!

Well - sort of - some of them. The dining room walls are done. All that's left to do there is the trim. When looking at the walls from certain angles, you can see where the stripes were. That's a result of the different kinds of paint that was used to create the stripes. Rather than do the kind of work necessary to get rid of them, we decided to live with that. It doesn't hurt the look of the room at all.

I also regrouted the tub yesterday. In cleaning it - it was kind of gross - some of the grout came out. It looks so much better now. I'm going to look into sealing it - but I think I have to wait a few days.

Next project? Paint the living room.

Slowly but surely....

We're getting there. The pictures don't show it, but the ceiling in the dining room is done. They do show the bottom of the wall being done. Who knew that it would take so many coats to cover yellow with red!
A. did a lot of yard work today. It is such an improvement over what it had looked like. One before and two afters....

The first small steps

So - this is our house. We won't make any changes to the outside for a while - except in terms of landscaping. So far, we've prepped almost all the walls for painting - washed them down, filled in cracks, etc. I was washing them down in the middle of this heat wave with no a/c in the upstairs. I was wiped out last night. We got the a/c going upstairs, so it's much better now. Today, we put the first bit of paint on the dining room walls! Here are some before and during pictures. No afters yet.

The ways in which we will show our love for our house...

...are going to be many. We're going to paint the rooms. The downstairs rooms don't need that much love - but oh the upstairs! I can't believe how badly stained the carpet in the guest room was. Good thing we planned to rip it up anyway. We didn't plan to rip up the carpet on the 3rd floor, but that needs to go too. I think it may have been the cat's domain. We had planned to paint everything but the kitchen. The bedrooms are what really need it most. While the previous owners weren't pigs, they clearly didn't care about what they spilled in the bedroom. It's kind of weird because the downstairs had been re-done so beautifully- not necessarily to my taste, but very attractive. The upstairs was neglected. Not nearly as badly neglected as the yard though. There is grass in the left section (if you are facing the house) of the front yard. The rest of the yard is green, but it's not grass for the most part. The gardens are overgrown and have been unattended. There's going to be lots of ripping out and cutting down going on. They - I should say we - have this beautiful hydrangea that has been overgrown with other less attractive bushes.

Today's plan is to go clean the lower trim in preparation for repainting it. I will also paint samples of the colors we have chosen for the dining room & living room to make sure we're happy with those choices. They will be the first rooms painted. Then I've got two colors to try out in the stairwell. Hopefully one will work and we'll do that after the living room.
Tomorrow's plan is for A. to rip out the carpet and tape up the walls so that I can start painting on Tuesday.

Pictures of what will be

Okay - I'm going to try and post pictures of some of the furniture we've picked out. This is the stuff for the living room. We're not sure yet if we'll be able to go with the chaise lounge. Depending on space and the layout we go with, it could also be a loveseat or a big chair. The sofa is very comfy and big enough for A. to lay out on. The wood is kind of dark, which will go with the coffee table and end tables we have currently - if we decide to keep them.

So - where was I?

Maybe if I switch to titles for my posts I'll be better about blogging? Doubtful - but it could be fun anyway.
Well - a lot has happened in the last 20 days. We are homeowners! We decided that since we wouldn't be closing the week of the 4th, we would head to the Cape for a little R&R. We got there Thursday night, planning to stay until Sunday or Monday, depending on the weather. Then - Friday afternoon we get the call. "Can you close Monday at 3:30 pm?" YES, YES, YES! Of course, we recognize that the seller is not exactly moving out right away. So the deal is going to be, she pays our per diem interest until the end of the month, at which time she gets out or pays us big bucks per day. We don't know the specifics of the deal at this point, but yes, we will close.
Fast forward to Monday, closing. We finally get to the point of the closing costs - after signing our lives away 4 dozen times. I notice the "rent" is not quite what we expected and rather than a few bucks back, we have to pay $177. Not a big amount - but it's the principal of the matter. We go out into the hall to discuss this with our attorney - actually it's our attorney's partner who is not familiar with all that has gone on with this deal. And I must mention that the seller's attorney is such a loser that he has to borrow another firm's conference room for the closing. So - our attorney is saying well - we decided that was a fair amount since they are doing you a favor by closing early. HELLO? FAVOR? I pointed out to him that, by contract we were supposed to have closed on the 3rd. His partner, our real attorney, said that the seller was in breach of contract. Okay - go back in - lawyer's get their heads together again. Now the loser lawyer is saying it should stay where it is because the seller couldn't move out on time because she couldn't get started on her construction on time because our mortgage commitment letter got to her late, so she couldn't get her financing. Um HELLO! The time from our offer to the planned closing was just over 60 days. No way that they were waiting on our commitment letter getting to them to start construction. Tell me what house takes only 2 months to build? Please. That lawyer was such a sleeze. We agreed to just call it even with us not paying any more at closing, which meant we came out about $200 on the losing side. Not worth losing the house over.
So now - she needs to be out by Sunday the 30th, or she pays us $200/day. I thought I heard her say that the movers were coming on the 27th - so she may be out even earlier. By Saturday - but definitely by Sunday - we should have the keys to our house!

Then the fun begins. We've picked out paint for each room, furniture for the living room and a new bedroom set. I'll have to find pictures and post them! So I'll be taking some time off work to paint my little heart out. Then we'll have the floors done. I also plan to strip the top of my dining room table - it was my grandparent's - and refinish it. I actually did this about 10 years ago, but I never finished the leaves. I would prefer they match so, I will do it all again. I'm debating on my dining room chairs. We have four now. I would like at least 6. My debate is do I stick with the style that I have - or something similar - or do I go for a new style. If I go for a new style, do I get 6 new ones or just two? Last dilemna - for now anyway - is the bathroom. The tiles on the tub and wall are beige. The floor is more white with these mauve diamonds in the center. We have rugs in navy, cream and I think there are green ones in storage. We have a really cool shower curtain - it's from the New Yorker. If you remember the New Yorkistan cover they did after 9/11, that's our shower curtain. That has a lot of color. I don't know what to paint the walls. Right now, it's khaki and either a dark green or dark blue stripe. The stupid mauve diamonds on the floor are the problem. I'll figure it out or rip out the floor! :)

July 5, 2006

I can't believe it's been so long since I have blogged! Wow!

I should be posting about how we have closed on our new home and we spent yesterday painting and how I'm going there after work to paint some more. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Our sellers aren't ready to get out. They now want to wait until the end of the month to close. I'm presently waiting for a call from our lawyer telling me how his discussion with their lawyer went. I'm not known for my patience. This is trying.

We are going with the friendly approach right now. We are going to say "okay, we'll work with you, but you need to compensate us for the costs we are going to incur as a result of not being able to get in when we planned." At best, it's probably going to cost them at least $2,700. We could reduce that if they would close by Monday. We would then consider renting the house back to them for the month, if all the insurance details could be worked out.

I could handle whatever is going to happen, if I could at least plan for it. If I knew what it was. Tell me we're closing August 1st and I can deal with it. Because then I can figure out what to do next.

May 22, 2006

I'm slacking again. Life has been busy. We're buying a house. I'm still scared something will go wrong - but it's looking good. I actually started packing yesterday. Today I need to write to our landlord and tell her we're leaving. I've started picking paint colors. Nothing is definite yet, but I have ideas.

We went to Montreal for my professional association's annual conference - my first while on the board. My trip there was relatively uneventful - if you don't count the limo being 20 minutes late. Good thing I called and said "where are you" or he would have been later. As we are driving there, he comments on it being an international flight and had I allowed enough time to check in. I start to worry - hadn't really considered Montreal as being international. Silly me - just because I could drive there doesn't make it a local trip. As it turns out, I was fine. I wish I could say the same for dear husband A. A was in Atlantic City for his own conference, taking the train to Philly to then fly to Montreal. I booked it all through United - just told the web site "I want to go from here to there" and let it do its job. Well - computers can't think. They put him on a flight from Philly to NYC to Montreal. Two different planes. Two different airlines. He did not have enough time to collect his baggage, get to the next terminal and check in. He ended up having to fly to Toronto, then to Montreal, arriving at 1:30 in the morning. I must say, he was very even tempered through the whole ordeal.

The conference was fun. I didn't have much time on my own. I had meetings and activities that I had to attend. That was different from me - but very worthwhile. I'm truly enjoying being on the board, meeting some terrific people. There was the incident where I lost my purse and was mildly freaking out (A. may disagree about how mildly) but I found it so all was well. Now I just have to turn in all my receipts and get reimbursed!

Mother's Day was a tough one for me. I was in a serious funk. It didn't help that, while at the conference, yet another colleague told me that he and his wife were expecting. Then I come back to the news that a co-worker's wife had given birth. Am I just more aware of all these pregnancies or is there a baby boom for everyone but me. It's hard sometimes to see pregnant women, especially if they look about as far along as I would have been.

My mom is sick. We don't know what's causing it. She goes for another test tomorrow. She's nauseous all the time. My greatest fear is that her cancer has returned. It's hard too with her being so far away. I can't get up there to help her out right now and probably won't be able to do so for another few weeks. It's frustrating.

It's beautiful weather here today and I'm not going to miss a minute more. I'm off to walk.

April 28, 2006

Happy Birthday to my little sister!

I've been neglectful here. Okay - not to jinx things - but it looks like we've got a house. The seller has accepted our offer. Now we have to deal with the results of the inspection. We found out that the furnace needs to be replaced right away. We knew it needed to be done, but thought we would have a couple of years. We're inclined to ask for some sort of concession, but we don't want to lose the house over it. what to do, what to do, what to do

Work is busy. Next week I leave for a conference. I'm looking forward to that. Time seems to be flying right now!

All in all, life is good.

April 13, 2006

I need to be talked down. Sometimes I obsess about stuff. Right now - I'm obsessing about my employee who is leaving today. I'm glad she's going. She did a good enough job with her work, but she's the one who told other people about my miscarriage. She has a real tendency to talk about other people's private lives. So - my obsession right now is that I really wish everybody else here knew what she was really like. I hate how nice everyone is being to her because she is leaving. I want her shunned. Don't be taking her to lunch - she's talked about you too. Don't be buying her flowers - do you know how much of your life she's revealed to others? I really want to shout and say "She's not this wonderful person that you all think she is." She's not a horrible person, but if people only knew the truth about her - they would be giving her a wide berth. And I have to sit her silent. If I told people, then I'm just climbing down into her gutter. And I know it is terribly un-Christian of me to wish this - but I can't help it right now. I was wronged and I want some retribution.

I also worry about what she has said about me. I know she was unhappy a few months ago when she wanted more vacation time than I could give her. She's also told some lies in her leaving. She told me and the HR director that she could only give two weeks notice because her new job wanted her to start right away. Lie. She's taking next week off. She told this guy in another department - this union leader that she supposedly does not ever talk to - that she was leaving before she told me. That was just not right. People here have no clue about her. Well - some people do. They knew what she was like before I did.

Oh - and have I mentioned that she dates my husband's cousin? None of said cousin's friends like her. They tell him to drop her on a regular basis. But - he doesn't. And I love my husband's cousin - he's a great guy. So - I have to suck it up and put up with her even after she leaves my office.

I need to get over it. She will get her just desserts. I just wish that I could see it when it happens.

April 12, 2006

Quick thoughts
- People need to learn to share the sidewalk. Earlier this week, I encountered two women on walking side by side the sidewalk coming towards me. There is only room for two abreast. Instead of one of them stepping aside momentarily, they forced me off the sidewalk. Rude!

- Just when I think I'm getting clear of all the emotional issues with my miscarriage, stuff happens. Monday night it was coming home and finding yet another issue of Fit Pregnancy had arrived. I cancelled that magazine right away. I just couldn't handle it Monday night. You think you are getting stronger and someone kicks you in the gut. Today, it was getting a request from another department at work to make a contribution for a gift to a guy and his wife who are having their first child. Just another kick in the gut seeing that and knowing that it's not going to happen for me.

- Some good stuff - we made an offer on a house yesterday. I'm am excited and nervous. We want this house. It would be such a great house. It needs work - but we are ready for that - looking forward to it even. I'm afraid to get too attached to it yet though - just in case we don't get it.

- The budget is almost done. I always feel so much more relaxed when it's finally put to bed. Of course - this year I have negotiations to deal with and we'll be short handed in the office for a while - but we'll make it.

- The weather is getting nice. I'm getting out for walks most days. Today I will be walking to the convenience store to buy my Powerball tickets!!

April 6, 2006

Happy Birthday to my cousin Elyce and her husband Tom! Elyce joins the world of 40 somethings today. She is a terrific person. One of those people you enjoy being with. I wish she lived closer.

Life has been hectic. It's budget season at work and we are getting down to the end so I'm really crunching out a lot of work. I can't wait for it to be over! Today has been especially tiring. I had a GFOA meeting that was 1 1/2 hours away. Then I had to leave mid-meeting to be back here to go over some budget stuff with my boss before the meeting tonight. Plus I had to get some stuff ready for the board, so that I can calculate a tax rate on the fly tonight so they can see where they are before the final changes. Plus I've been reviewing how to do the payroll this week since my payroll clerk is leaving next week. Can I say good riddance here? Of course I can - it's my blog! I can say whatever I want!

We are going to look at houses this weekend. I am so excited. Strange as this may seem, I hope we end up with one that is in need of a little work. I want to do that kind of stuff - repainting, stripping wallpaper - make it our house.

At my meeting today, two of my male colleagues told me their wives were expecting. They have no idea of our struggles to have children. It can be so hard to put on that bright happy "oh congratulations" face. I'm adapting to the child free concept, but I don't think I'll ever completely get over not being able to have kids. And it looks like adopting is just not in the cards for financial and emotional reasons.

My great-uncle passed away this week. There's a graveside service tomorrow and I hope I can make it. My mom says that my brother is going. I just hope he doesn't bring his bitch with him. It's my blog - I can call her that here. I suppose I should be a little careful. My nephew is rather computer savvy. I don't think he would find it though - there's no clues to lead him here. I found his blog though. He doesn't know. I've learned some interesting things reading his blog!

Well - I think I am off to go suit shopping before my meeting - and maybe to pick up a quick bite to eat.

March 28, 2006

I can't do the online Jeopardy try out tonight. I'm not happy. I have to be at a meeting for work tonight. I won't be able to watch the UCONN women's game tonight either. What a bummer about the men. I'm rooting for LSU on the men's side now.

I've been walking at lunchtime when I can. And if I can't walk, I do cardio at home. I'm trying to get cardio in at least every other day and weights as well. I'm also being careful about my eating. I'm seeing the difference in the fit of my clothes, but not on the scale and that makes me mad. Our scale can be ornery. Sometimes, it seems to be stuck on the previous weight. I don't always trust it as a result.

We've begun house hunting. It's exciting and terrifying! And something new to post about !!

March 23, 2006

Wow. It's been a while. There has been stuff happening. I haven't really had anything I felt like writing about that wasn't really whining. Like having my personal pain exposed by someone I thought was a friend. Then having one of those days where you think maybe you should be committed or at least be on serious drugs. But - I have decided to focus on being happy. I have a wonderful husband. He's been sick. He's been on vacation too - sucks to be sick on vacation. While he's been off, he's let his beard grow a bit, but he has it trimmed in a Van Dyke. I like it. Too bad it's against regs. He's the best thing that ever happened to me.

I'm trying to be good about exercising more and watching what I eat. We are going to a dinner dance Saturday. It's when things like this come up that I really really wish I hadn't gained this weight. I'm not sure what the scale will say tomorrow morning, but I feel good. So I'm focusing on that.

I got a new dress for a black tie event we are going to in May. It was a very good buy, plus it's a beautiful dress. More good things.

One bad thing I have to sneak in here - I am sucking big time in both NCAA pools I'm in! :) That's a fun bad thing. Tennesee killed me. There were plenty of others, but we UCONN fans don't like Tennessee anyway - so it's easy to blame them.

So back to all about being happy. We are hoping to buy a house this summer. First step is to find out what kind of mortgage we can get. I'm psyched and scared all at once. It's a huge commitment, but one we want to make. I'm tired of renting. I want my own place to decorate. I want a place where no one is walking over my head, where I'm not sharing a hot water heater with 2 other families, where I can park in a garage. Soon - it's coming soon.

March 6, 2006

I'm trying very hard to work on the whole swearing thing. Today, as I was leaving the RE's office - which does not put me in a good frame of mind - I had an encounter that might normally let some of my road rage slip and the swearing come out. But - it didn't! Small victory for the day. This goober was coming up in the right lane, going really fast (mind you I'm a speed demon) and clearly he wanted to get around me. Eventually, it suited my purposes to let him go by. Well - get this - Bubba (as I affectionately named him rather than MotherF***r) was driving a light blue Subaru Impreza (very manly) with a spoiler and big tailpipe. Okay - if you want to have a hotrod looking car - a Subaru Impreza? Light blue? Oh boy - what a goober. I'll bet he picks up lots of chicks in that!
I think I'm making some progress on the issue of getting my body back into shape. I did 20 minutes of cardio Saturday night - half of it was really tough stuff. Sunday, I did 10 minutes of cardio and another 40 of pilates. That made me feel really good. I wasn't great with the snacking - but improved. So far today, I have resisted snacking (other than popcorn which is part of my plan) and it wasn't hard. It hasn't felt like denial. Let's hope this continues!
So - another blood draw today. I'm hoping that this was the last one. I'm just waiting for the phone call. I think that when I am done with the RE, it will really help me put this behind me. I know that there will be moments of sadness and tears - like I had this weekend - but I will feel like I've really turned a corner. I kind of feel right now like I'm approaching the end of the street, ready to turn the corner into the sunshine - but I'm not there yet. It's hard seeing little babies on TV - knowing that I'm not going to have that ever. Going back to church was hard. I know God didn't cause this - but I'm still not over my anger there.
My honey is home sick today - horrible way to start his vacation. I feel so bad when he's sick and I can't do anything for him. Hopefully the doctor will be able to put him on the road to recovery soon!

March 3, 2006

First lesson of the day - clean off the roof of your car after a snowstorm (and all windows too). I did - but I sure wish others would too. It's just SO much fun to be riding down 95 when someone's snow stack blows off the roof of their car back at you.

Second lesson of the day - weed through your saved e-mails on aol and delete some once in a while. Otherwise, one day you will have over 2000 e-mails to go through!

I'm doing well. I'm laughing more than crying these days. There is always sadness, but it's getting easier to bear.

I'm taking a mini-break from weight loss efforts tonight, but starting up again tomorrow.

Oh - and the count on the "no swearing" thing is up. One last night - but that was justified since the board I staff would not cancel their meeting despite the snow. Then again today I swore while in the car. It's something about getting behind the wheel that does it to me. It's a form road rage I think.

March 1, 2006

It's Ash Wednesday. I'm being a bad Catholic. I did not go to get ashes. I just don't feel like going. It's not a Holy Day - so I think I'm still good with God. I need to get going back to church. I didn't go the weekend I lost the baby for obvious reasons. Then there was the blizzard and I've fallen back out of the habit I had gotten into. Hopefully this weekend I'll get myself back there. I've decided to try to give up swearing for Lent again this year. I've already blown it. I started to say "f**ing" something today - realized what I had just said - then (get this) I said "D*** I swore." Hello! I'm doing better with the no sweets deal that I agreed to with my husband. Okay - it's only been one day. I'm doing that part to help me get myself back in shape. I need to lose about 15-20 pounds. I did workout tonight - that felt good. I got these 10 minute DVDs. Each has 5 10 minute workouts. I did 2 cardio segments, one toning segment and one stretching segment. Not a bad job. I want to be in better shape before the firehouse dinner dance and then in really decent shape for my annual conference in May. We'll be going to a black tie dinner at that and I would like to look nice in whatever I wear, not frumpy and dumpy! I'm doing better dealing with my loss. The counseling has helped. Support from friends and family has helped. What's helped the most though is the constant love and support from my husband. I've read the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People." It has really helped. I plan to read it again. I get the authors point, that the world is random and God doesn't cause the good or bad things, he's not testing us, etc - and that when the bad things happen, we need to turn to God for help in where to go next. I'm just not ready for it yet. Okay - for whatever reason, blogger is not letting me do carriage returns. So - on to a new topic - bulk e-mails. We all have those people in our lives that send out these e-mails with jokes, political crap, chain letters, etc to all the people in their address books. I have 3 such people - my aunt, my husband's uncle (I thought it was his aunt up until this week) and a friend of ours. I get annoyed with the political crap - seems all three of these people are conservative Republicans who don't realize that I'm a semi-liberal Democrat. Two of the three have the unfortunate habit of sending stuff out without checking the veracity of the information they are forwarding. Well - a little brouhaha developed this week when one of my e-mailers sent something out about the ACLU and crosses on federal property. This prompted a response from one of the other recipients. Soon we have a reply to all war going on. Where am I going with all this? The jokes are fine. I love the pretty pictures. But before sending out the political stuff you should do two things. One - consider your audience and two - check the facts. That's it. I'm stepping off my soap box. One last thing - I went to see UCONN v. Villanova Men's Basketball this Sunday at Gampel Pavilion. AWESOME! WE WON!! In honor of my UCONN Huskies - I will color this post UCONN blue.

February 10, 2006

I lost my baby just about two weeks ago. It's been a struggle since. The physical issues have mostly gone, but emotionally I just don't know where I am. I think that part of my problem is accepting that it's okay to be grieving. There is something in me that feels like I should be able to get over this. I think that's maybe because I had to go back to work so soon after. I wasn't able to stay home and work through it, but had to be back at work the Tuesday after it happened. My husband has been wonderful. He's my rock. I've always known that I loved him very much - but each day since we lost our baby, I have fallen more deeply in love with him. The way he has cared for me has just been awesome. Whether it's holding me as I cry, kissing me gently, telling me that he loves me, making me breakfast, calling to check up on me or telling me how sexy I am - he does so much to help me feel better. I worry about him. I worry that I'm not taking good care of him. He tells me that talking to the guys at the firehouse really helps. The fire department really is a brotherhood. I am so thankful for them. I'm seeing a counselor. That, I think, is helping. I've actually seen two. I went to see our counselor from work and my RE wanted me to see someone they know who specializes in fertility issues. I decided to see both and then pick the one I felt would be most helpful to me. That sounds a little funny when I think about it - like test driving counselors. Anyway, the one the RE recommended is nice and said some things that really helped - but I don't think her expertise in fertility issues helps. I need help with grief just as much as I do with facing the infertility problem. So, I'm sticking with my work counselor.

I am heading up to visit my mother next weekend. I think that will be very good for me to be with her. Mother-love is a wonderful medicine! Also, she lives near a beach and walking on the beach has always been a very calming activity for me. Plus, she's been sick. She was in the hospital earlier this week with a kidney stone. So my visit will be a chance for me to help her out too.

I suppose that's all for now. I'm ready to hunker down this weekend and wait out the storm. Blizzard warnings - yikes!

January 30, 2006

I miscarried on Saturday. The doctor gave me medicine to cause it after the ultrasound on Thursday showed no heartbeat. It started a lot earlier than I thought it would. I took the medicine at 11 and it started about 2:30. I had hoped it wouldn't start until later, when my husband would be home from work. I ended up getting very little sleep because of the cramping. In the end it wasn't scary. It was like a really, really bad period. My husband took very good care of me the rest of the day and since. I had called my mom Friday night to tell her. I couldn't do much but cry. My sisters both called over the weekend, they have been great. I could care less whether my brother and his family ever know. My SIL doesn't like me anyway. I'm sure she would make all the proper sympathetic noises though. Then she would go talk about me behind my back. I went back to the doctor today to see if all the tissue had been expelled. It has been, but they still want to monitor my hormone levels. I have to go back on Friday. I really don't want to have to keep going back. I want it to be done. I want to start moving on with life. I want to get myself back in shape. I had lost some weight before getting pregnant, but I think I've put it back on since. I haven't exercised since the start of this IVF cycle. I need to start doing that kind of thing - moving on. I'm not sure when they'll let me start working out. I know that physically, I'm not ready today - but I will be soon. I just hope that when I feel like I can move forward in that direction, I'm not being held back psychologically by having to continue with monitoring by the doctor.

January 23, 2006

I heard this morning on the radio that today is the gloomiest day of the year. It is. That's for damn sure. Life is not so good anymore. I'm pregnant, but it doesn't look like I'll be that way much longer. I had an ultrasound this morning. The baby hasn't grown as expected in the last week and it's heartbeat is not as fast as they would expect. My doctor expects that when I go back on Thursday for another ultrasound, there will no longer be a heartbeat. I knew that this could happen - that getting pregnant was only a small part of the battle. It just hurts so much and I can't even go home and cry. I have to get the budget finished and to the printer by the end of the day. All I want right now is to be in my husband's arms and I can't have that. I was really beginning to believe that this was happening and that we would have a healthy baby. We had such hopes. I know that we could still get a miracle, but the odds are not with us.

It's hard to keep a secret. I'm keeping a good one. I don't want to tell it just yet because I don't want to jinx it. Silly - right - but I'm somewhat superstitious - remember it was my fault the Giants lost the playoff game, all because I tivoed it.

I'm heading to DC tomorrow for a couple of days of meetings. I will not see my husband until Friday evening. He has to work tonight - so saying goodbye to him this morning was tough. I reminded myself though, that this was not as bad as when he went to New Orleans.

He had rope training with the FDNY yesterday. All FDNY firefighters have been given personal safety ropes. This is in response to the tragedy of about one year ago, when 6 guys were forced to jump about 5 stories down from a burning building. 2 were killed. One walked away with very few injuries, but the others suffered severe injuries. So yesterday, he was learning how to use the new ropes they have been given.

Football wise - I'm now rooting for Carolina and Pittsburgh. I've never much cared for Denver and I like the coach from Carolina - he's a former Giants coach. I wanted the Colts to win on Sunday, but I knew that interception reversal was wrong and didn't want to see them win as a result of that. I think things worked out as they should.

January 9. 2006

Life continues to be good. Except for the Giants. I am so disappointed. I feel like it's my fault. I tivoed the game. Ever time I tivo a game, they lose. I thought about it, but said to my self "Self, really, your tivoing the game will have absolutely nothing to do with the outcome." Ha! I set the tivo because I was going to a get together with some friends that I had never met before. Sounds funny doesn't it. I was meeting up with a bunch of ladies that I chat with online on a regular basis. It was so nice to meet all of them. Well worth missing the game. I was exhausted afterwards though. It was a long drive and I tire easily these days. Well, sportswise, at least UCONN had a halfway decent weekend. I'm bummed that the girls lost to Tennessee. I hate Tennessee and Pat Summitt. But - the boys won and it was an exciting game. I would, however, prefer they be a little less exciting. I know that because I'm a girl, I probably should prefer watching the women's team, but I just find the men's game so much more exciting. Now that the Giants are out, I will focus on UCONN sports. I'll still be watching football of course - must have football on Sundays. I will be rooting for Indianapolis to win it all. I think that I would like to see Chicago win the NFC. As long as New England and Washington go no further, I'll be happy.

January 5, 2006

Life continues to be good. Life is busy though - and getting busier. The budget madness is starting. A little funny from earlier this week - you know when someone tries to show off their knowledge of a topic - or maybe tries to trip you up? Someone did that with me this week, in a public meeting. She asked me about implementing an accounting standard - would it be difficult for us and what were the financial implications. It was embarassing. We implemented that standard 2 years ago. In fact, everybody - except the very very small entities - had to have implemented it by the end of the last fiscal year. And financial implications? Uh - the standard just changed our reporting, no financial implications. I suppose that part of the question wasn't too bad - but she really blew it with the first part. There's actually another standard that's out that she should have asked about. It would have indicated real knowledge on her part and there could be financial implications with that one.
Anyway, as I say, life is good, but I'm tired a lot these days - so off to the couch to watch one of my obsessions - CSI!

January 1, 2006

Happy New Year! Life is good. Here's hoping we all have a healthy, happy year filled with love and friendship. I hope it is also filled with lots of victories for the NY Giants, the Yankees and UCONN! :)