January 30, 2006

I miscarried on Saturday. The doctor gave me medicine to cause it after the ultrasound on Thursday showed no heartbeat. It started a lot earlier than I thought it would. I took the medicine at 11 and it started about 2:30. I had hoped it wouldn't start until later, when my husband would be home from work. I ended up getting very little sleep because of the cramping. In the end it wasn't scary. It was like a really, really bad period. My husband took very good care of me the rest of the day and since. I had called my mom Friday night to tell her. I couldn't do much but cry. My sisters both called over the weekend, they have been great. I could care less whether my brother and his family ever know. My SIL doesn't like me anyway. I'm sure she would make all the proper sympathetic noises though. Then she would go talk about me behind my back. I went back to the doctor today to see if all the tissue had been expelled. It has been, but they still want to monitor my hormone levels. I have to go back on Friday. I really don't want to have to keep going back. I want it to be done. I want to start moving on with life. I want to get myself back in shape. I had lost some weight before getting pregnant, but I think I've put it back on since. I haven't exercised since the start of this IVF cycle. I need to start doing that kind of thing - moving on. I'm not sure when they'll let me start working out. I know that physically, I'm not ready today - but I will be soon. I just hope that when I feel like I can move forward in that direction, I'm not being held back psychologically by having to continue with monitoring by the doctor.