Faux Infertiles

I don't get it. What is it about infertility that some people want to share in? You tried for a few months and got pregnant and you count that as infertility?  Some people think they had a "struggle" to get pregnant. Hello honey - you tried for a few months, maybe took some drugs and got pregnant. You have not been trying for a year. You have not had multiple tests, invasive procedures, injectible drugs, etc that the rest of us have. You are not and never were facing an IUI,IVF or IVF-ICSI as your only chance to get pregnant. You did it the old fashioned way, in a bed with your husband. Okay - maybe you were in the backseat of a car or on the dining room flooor - but the point is - there was a physical connection, physical activity between you and your beloved that resulted in that pregnancy. It was not a doctor sticking a tube filled with semen or embryos up in your nether region while your only contact with your husband was hand holding. You didn't lose your pregnancy. You didn't have to take multiple drugs to try to keep it. You didn't worry each day that you would lose this one just like the last one. So you feel my pain? You understand my struggle? I DON'T FUCKING THINK SO!

A second happy thought for the day

SWEEP! SWEET!
And if you don't know what I mean - you're not a Yankee fan!
I'm not sure there's enough time left in the season for us to catch the Sox and win the division, but we needed this to have any chance.

It's a bitchy blog today, with a happy thought at the end

Okay - my birthday was Sunday. It is now Thursday. Do you think my brother has in some way communicated his happy birthday wishes to me yet? Shithead! No phone call. No card. Not even a lousy e-mail. Macy's sent me an e-mail. So did several other lovely companies. Look - I know that he was pissed I wasn't a boy - but he's had 46 years to get over that. This is not the first time he has forgotten. In fact, this is the 3rd year running. SHITHEAD!

Now - we are planning a party for my mother's 75th birthday. It started out as just me and A talking about doing Thanksgiving on the Cape, since he'll be on vacation in November, and how we could do something out there, maybe invite the neighbors. Or, if Mom wanted to come back to CT for the holiday because her brother is here, we could do something at our house. Well, little sis called Monday "neighbors want to know if we are doing anything" I told her we had a brief discussion with Mom, but nothing decided. Now she's off trying to get everything nailed down and planned. And coordinated with the neighbors? Huh? And she's somehow invited the rest of the family to Thanksgiving on the Cape. She's being a total PITA and can't understand why I'm irritated. I'm not really irritated - just don't think we need to be planning this thing 3 months in advance and what's the deal with "coordinating with the neighbors"? Hello? They get invitations, they respond. If they want to help with food or decorations, we address that when they offer. I'm seriously missing something here, because I just don't get it. It doesn't help that one aunt is already talking about booking her flight and her son, my favorite cousin, is already trying to figure out what hotel to stay in. IT's 3 MONTHS AWAY! My poor mother doesn't even know yet. I've left that to older sis to handle.

Then I get an e-mail internally. A new dept head can not find his copy of the audit. He doesn't know where the old DH left it. That's what the e-mail from his assistant tells me. So - in a snarky mood I respond asking if he wants help finding it or is he looking for me to provide another copy. Hello. My name is Bitch.

Okay - here's a happy thought. After work, I am going to pick up my doggie. We boarded him yesterday while we went to Long Island for a picnic. I can't wait to see that sweet little face!

Happy Thought/Life List

I got a good workout in this morning!

3. Visit all 50 states. (I've been to 33 so far.)

Happy Thought for Today/Life List Addition

A bad day of golf is better than a good day at work. And I had a good day of golf!

Life List...
2. I want to break 90 on the golf course.

A "Duh" moment leads to a question on issues

I was on a little shopping spree Saturday. I headed into Marshall's downtown. Now - to fully understand my upcoming "duh" moment, you need to know that I live in a very multi-cultural town. There is a large South American population. Walk down the main drag and you'll see restaurants with cuisine from almost every South American country. So - I walk into Marshall's and see a sign for one of the store sections. It says "Ladies" on top and underneath "Damas". I stood there for a moment trying to think what the heck damas are - like some kind of clothing! Then my five years of Spanish kicked in and I realized that it was "Ladies" in Spanish.

So - having had my little moment - it raises a question for me. Should we have all our signs in two languages? Why not 3? There are a lot of Brazilians here and they speak Portugese. What about assimilation? Should immigrants to America learn to speak English proficiently? If they do, are we killing off their language and culture - harming their children? My grandfather was a first generation American. His parents came here from Quebec. French was spoken in his home growing up, but also English. When PopPop married my grandmother, a first generation American born to Irish immigrants, he chose to speak only English in their home because my grandmother did not speak French. I think that it's really a shame that my mother and her siblings did not learn to speak French. So - I think it would be a bad thing if today's immigrants did not speak their native language in the home. But are we doing them, and our nation, a disservice by making it easy to get by without English? Or is it time we decided that this nation needs to be a bilingual nation?

Happy Day!

It's my birthday! I like birthdays! I'm not so much fond of the getting older part, but I like the celebration part, so I'll take them. And as they say - it beats the alternative! Today, A & I will be going to a picnic before he has to head back to work. It should be fun - please hold off rain! Last night I had dinner in the city with my friend Aimee. It was fun to sit and just chat, eat good food and drink good wine. I was a disaster trying to eat my appetizer - pate with sourdough bread. The bread was kind of crusty and at one point, I tried to bite into it and pate on top kind of flew off. Fortunately, it missed our purses and the bag with a gift Aimee had given me. Anyway - very cool restaurant - Five Points. I liked one thing they did in particular. On the side walls, they made it appear as though there were windows. It gave light to the room in a subtle way that also made the space seem larger. We had drinks later at the Campbell Apartment at Grand Central. That place is so cool. I had to run to catch my train home - but made it. I usually bring a book to read on trains. Last night's choice was "Rebecca" by Daphne du Maurier. I guess it's one of those books that you are supposed to read, but that I never had. Well, I'm really getting into it. The train ride home went very fast, as I was engrossed in my book. So - on to today.

I was just skimming an article in the NY Times about life lists. You know - the lists people make of things they want to do before they die. I have one somewhere. I'll have to dig it out and see what some of the things I've listed are. I know buy a boat is one. I might start using the blog as a recorder for things I would like to do in my life.

We'll start with a realistic possibility.
1. Own a boat.

Happy Thought for the Day

It's Friday! Does it get any happier than that!! Yes it does! It is beautiful and sunny out. I had a birthday cake - well half a cake - today at work. (My assistant and I are both 8/26 babies, so it was a whole cake - half his, half mine.) Tonight, I have a softball game. A is planning to come watch, after which we will likely go grab something to eat. I'm hoping for Colony Pizza. So, YES! It does get better than just being Friday!

Happy Thought for Today

I saw sun! It's gone right now - but it was there before. I am fully confident that it will stay out even longer tomorrow.

Mixed thoughts after the mini-vacation

We went to the Cape for a few days, hence no posts. (Like I'm a real daily blogger - right?!?) We stopped at A's parents on the way there, spent the night. I hate the bed we sleep in there. There is only a mattress over the springs. Get a box spring please! Next time, we'll sleep on the futon in the other guest room - a lot more comfortable! So - this was the Boom Doggie's first trip to A's parents' home. He was very excited. He ran around a lot and gave lots of kisses. G - A's dad - seemed to like having a dog on a temporary basis and volunteered for the poop and piddle outings. I started my weekend of prodigious (did I spell it right) eating the next morning. We had muffins, scones and eggs for breakfast. Mmmmmm.

On to the Cape. Weather was beautiful when we got there, but began to look like rain, so we got mom's stuff in off the line and made her bed. We like to rack up the brownie points! Hey - we are getting a virtually free vacation, so we need to help out around the house. The dog loves my mom. He enjoys being up there. He was very cute one afternoon when he managed to sneak out behind my mother. He was bounding around the yard. I could just see him thinking "I'm free, I'm free!"

Everything was all good until late Saturday afternoon. A comes in to me, listening to a message on his phone and says "Was I supposed to work this morning?" I told him I did not know and asked if they were looking for him to have been in the firehouse. Unfortunately, that was not the case. He had gotten a call telling him that there was a big fire at the Deutsche Bank Building and that word was one firefighter was dead and another one just barely hanging on. He was worried that someone was covering his shift and may be dead or nearly dead. He was also worried about all of the other guys in his firehouse and friends who were assigned to houses that would be responding. He was eventually able to get information telling him which company the dead firefighters were assigned to - I guess that's when he found out that the second one had passed. His main concern then was to check in on the guys in his house and to find out if his friend Chris, who was assigned to the firehouse of the brothers who passed, was okay. As the night wore on and into the next day, we got information. It was hard being so far away, because it wasn't top news to the Boston stations. We learned early Sunday that one of the men was a guy A had been friendly with in probie school. We also learned that it was A's company, including the guy covering his shift, that found the two men. They told him how bad it had been, the men who were low on air, the horrendous conditions, the fear that they weren't going home ever again.

I wonder what I would have done if we had not gone to the Cape for a few days, but had been at home. A would have been working. How would I have handled the news of the fire? Would I have been freaking out? Would I have even known? Sometimes I don't turn on the scanner when he's at work. I'm wondering if I should keep it off or on. Better to know or not know? We talked some about what would happen - who comes to notify me. A few years back, when he was in a different company, he had set it up that one of his friends would notify me. We decided this weekend that he'll set it up for their company Chaplain, who is a Priest in the Town I work for, to notify me. I'll tell you- if you ever ask what my greatest fear is - it's seeing a department car pull up in front of my house. I stressed to A that we need to start going to church again. What if something happened to him? Where would I bury him from? We need to belong somewhere. We need a faith-home. I know that the Chaplain would take care of us, but I want to belong somewhere. So I guess next weekend, we'll begin trying out some of the parishes in our area. I know I shouldn't "shop" for a church, but I want a place where we'll feel comfortable, where we'll be at home. If anything ever happens to A, I'm going to need it.

Happy Thought for the Day

It's not raining. Seriously - that is my happy thought. We drove home from the Cape yesterday in the rain. That sucked. Today's weather is not great, but it's not raining.

Holy Cow

The Scooter, Phil Rizzuto, died today. It's a sad day for Yankee fans. I'm too young to have seen him as a player, but I grew up with him as a Yankee announcer. He was terrific. You could tell how much he loved the game and the Yankees. Holy Cow.

Happy Thoughts - Two for Tuesday

Two days from now, I will be on the Cape with my husband and my dog. It just doesn't get much better than that.

I feel good physically, having started to work out again.

Silly Dog stuff

A. bought Boomer this rather large stuffed bowling pin. He, of course, has thoroughly enjoyed ripping it open, pulling out the squeakers and the stuffing. Last night, he pulled some more out. It is so much fun to watch him do this. He gets kind of frenzied sometimes. It's like this is what he lives for, what he was born to do - rip the stuffing out of toys! So - last night, he had pulled some out and started picking up the foam and tossing it in the air. I decided that this was not the best thing, so I started picking up the foam he was not currently carrying in his teeth. Well - kind of like a kid would do - he sees me picking up the foam and he decides he needs to hide what he already has - in his mouth. It was truly the funniest thing. My little doggie with his puffed out cheeks hiding his foam. Kind of like looking at me saying "no mom, I don't know where the rest is". I wish I had had a camera handy.

This morning - more silly stuff. Sometimes dogs see something that is outside the normal scene - like you've added a new decoration to the room - and they bark at it. Boomer did this when I was trying to decide what color to paint the bathroom, so I painted blocks of each color on the wall - he barked at the paint. So this morning, I'm taking him for his walk and he sees a garbage bag that the neighbor put out for pickup. Well - he gets in the stance and growls at the evil garbage bag. Too funny that dog! He was successful in scaring that bag. It did not attack us as we walked past. Later in that walk, my masculine doggie who was going to save me from the garbage bag, starts to cry when he sees a poodle being walked by his peoples across the street. He wanted to go play with the poodle and just gave this pitiful cries because he couldn't. Such a dog! I love this stuff!

My dog is lucky....

...that I wrote the previous post yesterday afternoon. Had it been 12:30 this morning - might not have been the same post. It's so hard to be mad at that cute little face - but when he wants to go outside and sniff around - not pee or poop - at 12:30 in the morning - it gets a little easier. He is the sweetest thing though.

I love my dog

Dogs are wonderful little beings. Give them some food, a warm place to sleep and take them for a walk and they will repay you with unconditional love. I know - you know all about it. It just needs repeating sometimes. They don't ask much - well - okay - sometimes he asks a lot - but really - I can read later. Some day he won't want to play ball anymore. It's not a bad life they have. Sleep most of the day, play a little ball, eat some food, head to bed. Oh - and give out kisses in between. Yup - a good life.

Be careful what you wish for...

You know how people always say that to you? Hinting that what you are wishing for may not be so good? I'm beginning to feel that way about something I asked for. Our former Town Treasurer was awful. The man was a misogynist and a bigot. He was rude and was becoming forgetful. That last part was really one of the worst things. He would forget to make deposits or send wires. Not so good for our bank accounts, that one. So - I, as you might imagined, wished that he would be replaced. He was. Now, sometimes I wish for him back. His replacement is a woman with a big ego and a big mouth - not the gossiping kind - just the endless yakking kind. I have my own big ego and one of these days, we will clash. Part of the problem we are having these days is that I control with whom we do our banking. She controls with whom we do our investing. She is constantly sticking her nose into my arena. I'm willing to listen to her ideas and explore new avenues, but she does not decide what goes on in my office. So there! :P

I'm too old for this....almost

I played softball last night. I used to play for our work team. I'm not that good. I played as a young girl, but never in my teen years. Then as an adult, I played for work teams from time to time. I do not have a strong throwing arm. I think if I worked on it, that would improve. I need to work on my hitting too. This year, after a couple of years off, I said I would play for one of the volunteer fire houses in town. I really like this bunch of people. They are fun to play with. None of them take it too seriously - unlike my own work team did in the past. We win or we lose - but we have fun doing it. So - despite my advancing age and creaking body, I will play with them again next season if they need a girl. (They have to have 3 girls on the field in a game.) Last night was a particularly fun game. We played Jet Blue. If you remember their funny ads from a few years ago - think about that attitude trickling down throughout the corporation. These people were fun. They didn't even get upset when one of our players fouled a ball off and it knocked over one of their beers! Talk about cool people! I am a little achy this morning. Okay - a lot achy. I've long had problems with my achilles tendons. The left one is bad this morning. I even stretched before the game. Oh well. I need to get into something like yoga - try to get this body more flexible. I'm sure A would enjoy that too!

A few pictures to brighten my blog

Some of the Boom Doggie, some flowers

Thoughts on living infertile in a family world

There was a little bit of a "to do" on one of my message boards this week. Someone wanted to organize a "mom's get together" and used the board to do it. This did not sit well with everyone. The original poster did not mean to be hurtful, but she was. That kind of thing happens a lot in the world - people don't mean to be hurtful, but they are. Often it's from just not thinking. Sometimes it's because they don't realize that they should be thinking. Which raises some questions for me. How far should we go to not be hurtful? When does it become ridiculous to be tip-toeing around someone's feelings and when can we take reasonable actions to be considerate? I think that years ago, infertility was just something you didn't talk about - like cancer. I've read that many people don't really know what the history of cancer is in their family because years ago, the word wasn't said. Today, knowing how important family history is and with medical advances to treat cancer, it's much more talked about. Maybe infertility is more talked about now because it can be treated in some cases.

I don't think society has really figured out how to deal with those of us who are infertile. The world is geared towards families. Parenthood is celebrated. We have holidays for parents! It always seem so much more horrible when tragedy befalls a parent. It can be very hard to live in a world designed for families. You can begin to feel like you have no place in the world. One of the questions most asked when you meet someone for the first time is "Do you have kids?" and when you say no - a lot of people don't know what to do with you! You get the nosy ones who probe as to why, there are the ones who can't think of another question to ask, there are those who offer you their kids (never a good thing to do) and of course there are the terrific people who move on to another topic or respond well to your moving on to another topic.

Infertility is so painful and so personal. You may never know that your co-worker, neighbor, friend or relative is suffering from infertility. If you don't know, how do you avoid hurting them? By their silence, have they foregone the right to sensitivity? I think that with a little common sense, a moment of thinking - you can sometimes avoid hurting someone who is silently suffering. Just some examples to show what I mean:

1. If you or your wife just had a baby, only send out pictures of that baby to people who have requested them. I had a co-worker who sent me pictures of his new baby twice - once the pictures were specifically directed to me. I had never asked for them, never even talked to him about his wife's pregnancy - yet he sent me pictures of his brand new baby a couple of days after she was born. It devastated me. My baby had been due that same week. He could have saved me a lot of pain. I'm sure that in his joy, he never considered that there was anyone who wouldn't want to see the pictures.
2. If you ask someone "do you have kids" and they say no - Leave it at that. Move on. There is nothing wrong with that. If the person wants to talk about it - volunteer further details, they will.

If you know someone who is open about their infertility, be supportive - but don't be stupid. Offering your tales of your friends who tried for months, then went on vacation and got pregnant does not help. Talking about that celebrity who just had twins at age 48 doesn't help. Someone undergoing infertility treatment knows darn well that said celebrity used donor eggs and IVF. "Just relax" "eat pineapple" "elevate your hips after sex" "pray" - trust me - they've probably not only tried all that, but have done more. Do not ever suggest that it is God's will. It's no more God's will that your friend can't get pregnant than it is God's will that a crack addict can produce baby after baby and neglect them. What you need to do is offer an ear - and mean it. Offer a shoulder to cry on. Understand that the treatment is taxing - the number of doctor's visits, having blood drawn every other day, getting ultrasounds every other day, the cost, the emotional ups and downs from hormones and expectations. Pay attention to your friend's reaction to news or activities that involve children. Some may want to be isolated, some may not.
Like I said before, it's really hard to be infertile in a world designed for families. I think as years go by and people learn more about it, it will become easier.