What if?

A & I were walking the dog the other night and passed one of the homes in our neighborhood that had recently sold. It had been on the market when we were buying, but was above our price range. We didn't really like it too much anyway, as it had a tudor style, but white siding and a roof in dire need of replacement. So - as we approach this house the other night, we see that the new owners have begun ripping off the siding. Underneath was stucco and lovely tudor markings - or whatever you call the wood in tudors. A says "Had I known that was under there I would have been interested in buying that house." That of course leads to the old "what if we had bought that house" kind of thought. We've had that thought with other homes. What if we had waited a few months to buy. The house that was listed at $100k over our price range steadily dropped in price to where it was listed within our price range in 6 months. What if we had waited and bought that house. It's bigger, has more bathrooms and has a bigger yard. What if. But then - I say - well it's across the street from a school - right across from the driveway. Would we really want to be dealing with that traffic? What ifs don't always have an answer that leads you to know you made the right decision.

I've been thinking on this topic the last few days - some of the other "what ifs" in my life. What if I had gone to a larger, co-ed college? Would I still be living within an hour of my childhood home? Would I have met and married someone in college? Would my career path have been the same? Would I know have kids in college or grad school? Maybe even be planning a wedding for a child?

What if I had stuck to my original plan to study nursing in college instead of thinking pre-med? Would I have stuck with it? Would I be good at it? Where would I be career-wise? Would I have been happy?

What if my father had not died when I was in college? Would I be who I am now? Would I have gone to school for my masters in South Carolina as originally planned? Where would I be living? Would my parents have moved to Cape Cod or Florida?

What if I had decided to have a child on my own, using a sperm donor before getting married? Would it have been a good life for me and my child? What if I decided to never diet again and just accept whatever weight I ended up at? Could I be happy? What if I hadn't lost that paycheck 20 years ago? I still think about that $200 in cash - what I could buy with it. What if I had bought my first condo in Bethel or New Milford instead of Woodbury? What if I had taken the job in California instead of the city in CT? What if we had gotten the Bridgeport account at MSDW? What if I had gone to Paine Webber? What if I had gotten the MDC job?

What if I had no miscarriages? What if we hadn't adopted Boomer?

What if I had been too hung up on the age difference to say yes to A? I just can not imagine that one. What if I had met A 8 years earlier? I like that one. I think that A and I were meant to be. Had we met 8 years earlier, we would have still fallen in love and gotten married. I like to think we would have had several children as well. The downside to us meeting 8 years earlier is another what if - What if A had been on duty on 9/11? I could not bear to know the answer to that one.

In the end, I think I'm in a good place. I love my husband dearly and can not imagine being with anyone else. I really like our house. It would be nice to have something bigger - like the one on the street behind us that is now listed at our purchase price - but that one's on a busy street and maybe their neighbors aren't as great as ours. So - if I could "get" any of my "what ifs", it would be to not have had a miscarriage and for my father not to have died. Totally understandable.