Post Holiday Post

I love my husband. He came up with some really good gifts this year. That's not why I love him - just a comment.

I think I did a sucky job on his gifts. I hit it right about every other year.

The dog and I are blue today. We both miss all the activity of the last several days.

I have one cousin who is a total ass. His idea of dinner conversation on Christmas Eve was to grill me about the floods in the town I work for like it was my fault. He was asking what "our property taxes pay for" and I pointed out to him that he doesn't pay any taxes in town. I made an obscene gesture and left the table.

My brother is still a shithead.

Dinner with mom & the sisters went well. It was very relaxed. The table looked lovely - especially my new reindeer table runner from the Pottery Barn! I wish I had taken a picture. The dogs quieted down enough for us to eat peacefully. It was truly funny watching my sister's little cocker spaniel get annoyed with Boomer and chase him down the stairs. The best was when Boomer tried to hide under the table. Well - no - really - the best was that Boomer slept very soundly in his own bed because he was just exhausted.

I'm doing a ton of laundry today - post holiday, pre-bowl game trip. Go UCONN.

I really am blue - I hate the let down after the holiday. I'm looking to keep myself occupied, so in addition to laundry, I'm going to get back to knitting the sweater I started for A about 5 years ago. Yeah. I started it 5 years ago. I take a loooooong time to finish projects like that.

My aunt gave me my grandmother's cookie plate. It's 77 years old. I love having stuff of Nanny's to use.

Can I mention again that I love my husband? He's just a good guy and so darn cute. I love kissing him, being held in his arms, just hearing him breathe at night. Next year, if his work group does not change - he'll be off duty Christmas Day, all day! Please, please no group changes next year. Since we've been together, the only time I've had him all day Christmas Day was the year he was on medical leave because he had shoulder surgery. So - if it's not too early, I will make my Christmas wish for next year - to have A. off duty on Christmas Day.

Happy Holidays?

I was all psyched for the holidays six weeks ago. We bought a new Christmas tree and some decorations and I was psyched. Now 4 days away - not so much. I still need to do a fair amount of cleaning. A can not help much because he's laid up with diverticulitis. He is doing what he can though. We have to drive to his parents tomorrow to do an early Christmas with them, then home on Sunday. So - I lose at least a day where I could be cleaning - more like a day and a half. So - I'm trying to get it done at night after work. This is a lesson to me to try to keep up with it during the year - like maybe dust regularly. Mainly though, it's a lot of tidying up and serious cleaning - like "Mom's coming" kind of cleaning. I don't want to be doing these multiple Christmases every year - there's got to be another choice. Then there's the brother thing - not an upper going into the holiday. Then I get my period just in time to be staying at someone else's house. I hate that. I just hate that. So it's not just another month of not being pregnant, which while I recognize would be somewhat miraculous, I still hope for, it's the damn curse and the lack of privacy while having it. Maybe I'm psychotic or something, but I don't like other people knowing about my private bodily functions. (Although here I am blabbing it on the internet.)  Merry Christmas my ass.

My brother is a shithead

I think I've mentioned this fact before. He wasn't born one, he became one. Marriage to the right person will do that to you. Her ability to turn him into a shithead was aided by the fact that my brother is a ball-less wonder. I don't think that he is literally ball-less. I'm sure Mom would have mentioned that at some point. Anyway, I digress. The latest event evidencing my brother's shitheadedness is related to my mother's 75th birthday party. Allegedly, shithead, bitch-in-law and children could not attend because bitch's family was hosting a 50th birthday party for her that same night. So - let's go from there. Bitch calls my aunt and tells her that oh - it is so bad that the sisters (that would be me and my sisters) let them know about mom's party too late for them to come to the party, their party plans had already been made. UM - hello shithead brother. we have written evidence - written by you - that proves you knew about Mom's party back in September, which is when we decided to have it. Couldn't let you know any sooner - and over two (2) months in advance is not freaking enough time? Even if it wasn't - was it really necessary for your bitch wife to call our aunt and say, basically, oh those sisters are so awful, it's their fault we are not attending. How about this one, shithead? Why did it never occur to you that Mom was turning 75 and that we should do something? Why didn't you take the initiative and suggest a party? Oh right - you are a shithead.
So - now - it's one month later. Cousin K has invited everyone to his home for Christmas Eve. Now - K is none too happy about brother not coming to Mom's Christmas party. So - when brother calls him to say he can't come to Christmas Eve, K pounces on the whole party thing - says "hey, where was my invitation to bitch's birthday party?" (well - he used her name - but you get the idea). Well - this is where it gets really good and brother's shitheadedness shows itself once again. The answer was "well - that ended up not happening, we just went out and had a nice dinner - just us." Now - we don't know who just us was - but - THERE WAS NO 50TH BIRTHDAY PARTY. These kind of things just don't fall apart last minute. They could have come to my mother's party. Yes, it would have been a 4 hour drive - but one of my aunts came from Florida for it - he couldn't drive 4 freaking hours?!?!?! And then he says - just to top it off - "we'll have to get together for a beer and have a talk" as if he is somehow going to explain why, despite there being no conflicting party, they didn't go to the Cape for Mom's party. I can see it now - it will somehow be the fault of me and my sister's. I don't think he realizes that his gig is really up with most of the family. They see what he and his wife are and they don't buy the excuses - but no one says anything to them outright in order to protect my mother.
Now - I've invited that asshole and his wife for Christmas. I so desperately want to call him and tell him to forget it, don't come. Please note - that it's been 2 weeks since I invited him and he has yet to respond. It didn't get lost in the mail - we talked on the phone and I said "please come" - so I can't wait to hear the excuse for not calling with an answer - if he ever even does. Anyway - I digress again. I feel like I"m in a position where I can not uninvite him because that would then require an explanation. Either I make up an explanation that makes me look bad - or I tell the truth and my mother is hurt. She doesn't deserve that.

Let me tell you this right here and now. When my mother passes away (God willing many years from now) I plan to deliver a eulogy. At that point - if he hasn't changed his ways, it's no holds barred. I will consider the fact that we will be in a church when I plan what to say and I may keep the remarks such that I don't actually name names, but I will get my say and if the two of them don't get what I'm saying in church, I'll make sure they get it afterwards. And then, I'll have no more to do with them. They will cease to exist for me.

Snow thoughts

I think Boomer likes the snow. I love watching him run around in it. It's adorable the way he kind of bounds through it sometimes when it is deep. And how he chases the snow. Last year, the snow crusted over for a while and I would drag him around - watching him slide and seeing the slightly freaked out look on his face made me laugh!

We got out of work early yesterday, due to the snow. It annoys the heck out of me that the employee in my office who can walk to work always seems to be the first to respond to the notice that we are closing early due to snow.

I was a responsible neighbor this morning. I got out there and shovelled my sidewalk. Kids in our neighborhood have to walk to school, so I wanted our section clear for them. Then I had to shovel out the end of the driveway. The way the plow had packed the snow in there made it kind of like a cliff. I wasn't sure that my car would get through it like that. My neighbor said that's one of the reasons he'll never have a car again - always going for an SUV. Let me tell you - I'm thinking about it!

Yesterday's storm was one of the best kind we could get. The bulk of it was between 7 and 3 - so overtime should not be so bad. Nice way to look at it - huh! :) Can't help it - it's in my genes. There was nothing my dad hated more than snow on a holiday. That meant triple time for the guys on the public works crew.

Ah well - this season brings another thing besides snow - the Salvation Army bell ringers. I'm off now to go ring the bell with our Tax Collector. We'll be relieving two cops. Want to bet the cops get the biggest donations? I told them it wasn't fair to be carrying their guns while they did it but....hey - it is for charity.

Life's Little Irritants

While it's nice to have a well-trained dog that informs you when he needs to go out and do his business, it's completely annoying when he decides to do that in the middle of the night. I love that little face, but not at 3:30 am.

Food that is good for you should taste good. Food that is bad for you should taste bad. Something is just wrong with the world.

There is no such word as "alot". That one irks me like no other misuse of the English language. Well, maybe my old boss's use of "supposably" irked me more.

Air machines should be free everywhere. Every gas station should have one and it should be in working order.

Not such a bad list. I'm in a good mood today.

Life's little pleasures

It's amazing sometimes what little things will please a dog. Going for a walk around the neighborhood is one of Boomer's favorite things. It's doesn't seem like a big deal to a human - but boy does that little dog love his jaunts. And while he's walking - this time of year - an added bonus is leaf piles. People have raked their leaves into piles streetside, to be picked up by the Town's vacuum truck. Boomer just loves to run through those piles. Amazing the simple pleasures for a dog!

For me, it's sunsets, A's smile, good music, hot cocoa, warm brownies or apple pie, a cold beer on a hot day, the smells and sounds of the ocean, a fire in the fireplace. (For A - it's a fire anywhere as long as he's fighting it!) There's more - fresh sheets, warm sand under my toes, freshly cut grass, the smell of a rose - especially when I grew it! It's reaching out at night with my foot and finding A's foot in bed. It's sitting on my front porch with a cup of coffee and the newspaper or a good book. It's hearing my windchimes or hearing Boomer's tail thump against the floor as I approach him. It's lots of things every day. There's a book I have somewhere - something like "14000 things to be happy about" it's got good stuff in it - little things you forget about usually, but when you read them you think - yeah - that's something to be happy about.

I've got to do a post on life's little irritants too (like rubberneckers) - but I thought I would focus on the good stuff first.

Trading one yucky job for another

So - it looks like we may be done with union negotiations for a few years. Keep your fingers crossed people. It's been a long road since we started with the first one almost two years ago. With luck, by this time next week, that union will have approved their contract, then there will only be one more to go. So - that's done - but my boss volunteered me to serve as finance director for a coalition of communities. That part's not so bad. What's bad is having to go to their meetings. The person they have selected as their Director (kind of by default because she organized the coalition originally) is just a total scatterbrain. She has lots of information, but is completely incapable of presenting it in an organized manner. Oh - and the drama as she talks about issues. Good Lord spare me! My boss owes me. She totally owes me. And she knows it. I think she partly did it so that she would have someone to commiserate with at these meetings.

I haven't done a happy thought in a while - so today's is - I'm having a lot of fun giving little presents to my Secret Santa recipient at work.

As for the life list - I'll have to go back and check what I've listed so far.

Confessions

It's good for the soul right? Okay..

I only just took off my toenail polish from this summer.

I invite my brother and his family (bitch-in-law, etc) to my house for Christmas dinner. I did not do it with pure intentions. For one - I figure they won't come. For two - I did it mainly so that they could not say I didn't invite them. Granted the bitch will likely say I waited until late to ask - but she would come up with something to complain about even if I had asked them back in August (which is around the time I last painted my toenails).

My office is a disaster.

I have been cheating a bit on my diet - eating chocolate at work. It's very hard not to do so.

There's a couple of changes that may happen staff wise here and I think they are long overdue. I can't say that to the people involved because one is a friend - but it's time she leaves. The other one - I can't stand - which I guess is a corollary confession. She's a holier than though know it all who portrays herself as this down to earth "real" I say what I mean kind of person. She is not at all a team player and really - just - as they say "thinks who she is". Not sure what that really means - but it describes her well.



Last one - I made my dog wear an elf hat and reindeer ears to pose for our Christmas card photos. Evidence below.

Now that I have confessed - maybe I'll go say 3 Hail Marys and an Act of Contrition.

The Child Inside

It's still there - I'm still part child. This year I celebrated yet another anniversary of my 39th birthday, but I haven't completely grown up yet. I still want to know what my Christmas presents are before Christmas. I want to be invited to all of the parties and I'm sad and feeling left out when I am not. I hate to lose. I love to win. I get scared of new things, noises in the night and the unknown. I've learned to mask these things - but they are there. I didn't get invited to this one Christmas party this year and I am really disappointed and hurt. It's a business thing. I have to think that the reason I was not invited is that I am not a client of the host. I can understand that - but it still hurts. It's always a fun party and a bunch of my friends go. I've never been a client of this guy and he always invites me - so why not this year. I wonder too - I have a chance to become a kind of important person in our professional world next year - and I wonder - will I get invited then? Then will I be mad because I clearly got invited more because I'm now kind of important and they want to be able to say I was there? That would hurt too.

Being an adult is not so bad. I've got a lot going on at work right now - and will continue to have a lot going on right up through mid-April. It's stressful. I'm doing double duty - my job and my boss's. The new boss starts in about 6 weeks - but that's right when budget starts and that goes on until April. Sometimes I feel like there just aren't enough hours in the day, days in the week to do it all - and I worry that there are things that maybe I should be doing, but I'm not aware of them and how do I address that because I really want to be doing a good job at this. Especially now that I'm getting paid extra to do it. Not a lot extra, so I don't feel like I have to actually do all aspects of both jobs to earn the dollars - but still, I want to do a good job. Monday, at one point, I thought my head might explode. I just needed to quiet - nothing running through my brain for a few minutes to stop it - kind of like taking boiling water off the burner for a bit. Anyway - I can handle it - and it's good to know that I can - but I'll be glad when the end of April rolls around. I think I need to plan for a little time off then. That's when the child inside can go play!

Let me rest!

When I first typed that - I typed "Let me reset!" I think maybe that was appropriate. I'm so tired right now. I've been doing my job plus my boss's. Last night that meant being at a meeting until 11:24. PM that is. I have to be here again tonight for my own job and I fear it being almost as late. I have a 7 am train in the morning. That doesn't sound too bad - except that means I have to be out of the house by 6:30 to get there, go upstairs and get my ticket and get back downstairs with sufficient cushion to ease my over anxious mind. Hopefully I can sleep on the train.

So - my dog thinks he's smart.

Yes indeed. In fact, I think he thinks he's smarter than me. See - he's not allowed up on our bed, but he goes up there when he thinks we are not looking - like when I'm taking a shower in the morning. Then when he hears me finishing up in the bathroom, he jumps down onto his bed and lays down. He thinks he has me fooled. He has no idea that I hear him jump down or that I can feel the warm spot where his little body had been curled up. It reminds me of my family's first dog - Charlie. Charlie used to crawl under my parents' bed (he was a mini-poodle) when he heard my father going down to bed. If Dad didn't make him come out, he would wait until after my dad got into bed, then he would come out and jump up into the bed. Silly doggies. It is so cute that they think they've outsmarted us.

GO UCONN!

UConn Husky,symbol of might to the foe.Fight, fight Connecticut, it's victr'y, Let's goConnecticut U Conn Husky,victr'y again for the White and BlueSo go, go, go Connecticut,Connecticut U. Fight!C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I C-U-T. Connecticut,Connecticut Husky, Connecticut Husky,Connecticut C-O-N-N-U. Fight! (repeat)

Had to post that. I need to learn the words! One more regular season game against West Virginia. If UCONN wins that game, they win the Big East. Okay - it's a long shot - but wow! They could win the Big East. They should be going to a good bowl game regardless. We'll be going with them.

My dog lifted his leg to pee!

Not noteworthy you think? Well then, clearly you do not have a boy dog who is expected to be among the manliest of manly dogs who used to squat like a girlie dog. He's not doing it all the time, but more and more, he is not just sniffing at trees and squatting in the grass, he is lifting his leg and peeing! WOOHOO! He even lifted at the traditional doggie target of a hydrant on Wednesday. I was so excited - I called A to let him know!

I wish I could speak Dog...and other thoughts from the weekend

I really do wish I could speak Dog. I know that our dog understands some English words - like sit, down, off, eat, kisses. He doesn't understand them necessarily in the context of sentences - but say something like "eat" and boy does he understand! When A is home, he gets the dog's dinner for him. The other night, I got up from dinner first and headed upstairs to do something. I came down a bit later and A was rubbing Boomer's belly. He then pretended to eat Boomer's feet. I said "Watch out, Daddy's going to eat your feet." Well - Boomer bounded up and looked at me all happy. Turns out Daddy forgot to feed Boomer. He knew that word - and he was ready. I wish I could ask him why he does stuff - like walk through leaf piles. I also wish I could understand why a yappy little dog can set him off, but not the big dogs. I also would like to talk to those yappy little dogs and say "Do you really think you can take the BoomDoggie? I don't think so!" I can talk to the owners of the little yappy dogs. I should. I would like to ask them - why is it that you can't train your dog to be nice? People with little yappy dogs think it's so cute when they get all barky and growly at a big dog. Yeah - real cute. Problem is - my dog doesn't recognize that Fluffy is so small he's a too chomp lunch. My dog hears "I'm tough, I'm coming to get you big guy" and he growls back.
This was not a good sports weekend for my boys in blue - UCONN and the Giants. Both lost - very sad. Next weekend is the last home game for UCONN. It's a noontime start - so we'll be doing a breakfast tailgate. They should win - they had better!
I got a lot done this weekend. The new closet doors are painted. The trim in the bathroom is painted. I had made myself a list. I got everything on it done except for doing laundry. I did not do a speck of laundry. How stupid was that? I could have dumped a load in while doing other stuff. Oh well - guess I'll do it tonight.
I have to talk to the elected boss about some kind of compensation for filling in for the appointed boss. I would love it if they gave me a bonus. That might mean we could replace a bunch of windows in the spring.
Okay - will sign off now. I plan to spend the rest of my lunch hour determining if we should stay with our current bank - Bank of America or switch and maybe move my IRA from Morgan Stanley at the same time. Fun stuff - not really, but it is right up my alley.

Election Day

This time tomorrow, I may have a new boss. I hope not. This is not the area in which I like to see change. The challenger is nice enough and if he wins, I'll have no problem working with him. But - the incumbent is already broken in. We know what we have with her. We know how she works, her strengths, weaknesses, hot buttons, etc. If the challenger comes in, we have to learn all that stuff with him. You also never really know if the new boss will truly be a leader or if you'll be propping him or her up. The thing we always have to remember is that we work for the Town, not the politician. If the politician is a weak administrator, then we do what is necessary to get things done. Making sure that the Town continues to function and function well.

And That's Another UCONN Great Win!

My title is a little take-off on something that UCONN football fans do - kind of cheesy - but it's our thing. So - whenever UCONN makes a first down - the announcer says "And that's another UCONN..." and the crowd says "First Down". Yeah - cheesy, corny, whatever. WE BEAT RUTGERS! Okay - there can be no let down next week against Cincinatti or the following week against Syracuse. Then - Thanksgiving Day weekend - if we beat Cincy and Syracuse - we'll be playing West Virginia for the Big East Title. Realistically, we should be able to win the next two, but I doubt we can beat West Virginia. It has been an awesome season so far though.

Untitled

I can't think of a good title for this post. Maybe it will come to me. Jeopardy just finished. I watch it regularly. So often I see the answers and I could run through the categories and win a ton of money. I don't do too well with the literature stuff. I would have bombed on today's Final Jeopardy. I really think I would do well on average. It really is all in the luck of the draw - which categories show up on your day. I took the test online once. That thing is freakin' hard! I don't quite get how some of these people pass it and then do so horribly on the show. Really. I would do so much better. I need to get on Jeopardy. I would totally rock at Wheel of Fortune too. I don't watch that one as much - but I'm good at it. And I would never buy a vowel. Total waste of money if you ask me.

Go UCONN! Goodbye A-Rod! Old beaus and hearses...

Before I get into what I planned to post about - I had a weird experience today. I just got back from a lunch-time walk. While walking on this one street next to a cemetery, a car and the person asked me for directions. It wasn't just any car though - it was a hearse. Ewwww. EW EW EW. I think the driver was the only occupant - but still - EWWWWW.

So anyway - awesome game for UCONN. They beat South Florida. This was a big win for them. It was exciting. We had a great tailgate before the game. Then we sat indoors with some friends, rather than in our usual seats. On the way in, I saw this guy who was either an ex-boyfriend or the ex-boyfriend's twin brother. He really is a twin. So I went up to him and said "Are you Tom or Paul?" It was Tom, the one I dated. He's aged - really aged. And let me say - he was a bit of a shit when we dated. And to look at him - and then to look back at my husband - wow! Did I make out! I look at A's face - and I just love to look at it - I could look at him all day long. Tom - eh. So - anyway - the rain helped UCONN. USF was ranked way higher - had been #2 a couple of weeks ago. Most of the game, UCONN was clearly better. Towards the end, USF started coming back. There were a couple of 3rd downs where it was important for UCONN to hold. When you are outside in the seats - you get up on 3rd downs and make noise - anything to disrupt the other team's offense. People in the club seats don't normally do it - after all - the team can't hear them. Well - late in the game on USF's last drive - I couldn't take it anymore. It's 3rd down - I have to get up. So I did - and so did a whole bunch of the people in our section. It was awesome! After UCONN won - the players went to the student section and gestured to the kids to come down on the field. They did - the poor security guards couldn't stop them. It was incredible - just incredible. We're going to a bowl baby! And it won't be Detroit this time. (At least I hope not.)

Okay - on to A-Rod. Good riddance. You don't want to be a Yankee - fine. He's so full of hot air. He is not worth $30m until age 45. And he and his agent showed a total lack of class in his announcement. Yeah - I'm no fan of the Red Sox. I admit that baseball was a hell of a lot more fun when the curse was on and they found innumerable ways to win in the playoffs or World Series. But hey - they were clearly on their way to winning the World Series last night. Couldn't A-Rod's announcement have waited a day? He had 10 days after the end of the Series to decide to opt out of his contract. What a jerk. Mr. September. Yup - MVP in the regular season, DUD in the post-season. I would love nothing more than to win the World Series next year - sans A-Rod.

Friends are amazing

I've had the opportunity in the last two days to see friendship at work in two amazing ways.
First - my friends. After my last post, I have received several supportive e-mails from friends. Some of these friends I've never actually met "in real life" as they say. They are women that post on the same board I do and who have shared similar experiences. I can not begin to express what their support and friendship means to me. Thank you ladies. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are amazing women. I am blessed to know you.

The second opportunity was with my husband and his friends - firemen of course. A got a call last night saying that his friend PK was missing. PK is a reliable guy. He left his local volley house to go to his job as captain of a boat early yesterday morning. He was to be present at a dinner his boss was hosting on the boat that night. The boss called the firehouse looking for him. PK wasn't there. The guys mobilized. One went to the marina locally to hunt for him. A & another guy went off to a marina he worked at in a nearby city. They were calling his cell phone regularly, driving around town looking for him. They even had me call the cops to see if he was sitting in the police station. It was scary - but amazing to see how these men got together and said - our friend is missing, we're going to do whatever we can to find him. They found him later in the evening. He's okay.

So - friends are amazing. Thank God for them.

What to call it?

What do you call it when someone else has good news and you don't hate them for it - but you are so jealous because you want what they have that you can't feel happy for them? I felt like I was at such a turning point in my recovery from my 2nd miscarriage when a year or so ago, a friend told me she was pregnant and I was happy for her. Lately, the pregnancy announcements just keep coming. There are several women I know struggling with infertility, but the last two announcements just have really gotten me down. I think it's partly because lately, it's women who are approaching 40 or are already there and/or have struggled to get pregnant. Basically - they are where I'm at - but now I'm feeling more alone. It's so much so that I think I need to take a break. I can't deal with the announcements much more. The odds of me ever becoming pregnant without the use of donor eggs - an expense we can not afford - are miniscule. Adoption isn't much of a shot either because of the cost - we just can't afford it and A is unwilling to accept financial assistance from a family member. So, I've got to adjust myself to life without children. Sometimes I think I am doing so well. I lavish all that love a child would get on a stupid dog. I try to think about what we can buy, how we can travel, etc if we don't have kids. Then I see a baby or a baby picture and I know I have not reached acceptance. I don't know if I ever will. That scares me.

drive by post

I love this weather. Well - I hate trying to pick out what to wear for work in this weather - you know - summer temps during the fall - what to wear. But - I love this weather. I love this time of year. The leaves are turning. The acorns are falling to the ground. Am I nuts that I love to crunch over those when I walk? I love kicking through leaves. If we had enough leaves in our yard to make a pile, I would seriously jump in the pile. I just loved doing that as a kid. I went for a walk on my lunch hour - listened to music I enjoy on the ipod, breathed in the great fresh air, marvelled at the colors on the trees - just a perfect day. If only I didn't have to go back to work! This would be a great day to play golf!

Where am I on my life list? I'll have to pick up the number later - but here's my latest addition - Drive across the mid-west. I think it must be such a beautiful area.

Mother Nature Sucks

We had flooding in the town I work for last night. One business district got 4 feet of water. Businesses are devastated. Yeah - it's not on the magnitude of Hurricane Katrina, but it still sucks. Just saying.

Random stuff

If you are in the left turn only lane, do you really need to turn on your blinker?

Do you walk to the right - like we drive to the right? If you were in England, would you walk to the left?

Why does my dog always go bop his nose on his leash and the bag of poopie bags when I'm filling his food dish?

Don't you hate it when you, a normally responsible person, screw up and you want to blame it on someone else - anyone else - but you really can't because it was your responsibility in the first place? Don't you hate it more when someone else does that?

What do you do when your brand new Bic that is supposed to write first time, every time, fails after the first time?

Can Superballs lose their mojo?

I Love....

...my husband. I'm not one for thinking that there is a grand life plan someone made up for me - but in this instance I might be persauded. We fit together so well. I can't imagine anyone else being the right match for me. When it all came together, it was just so right and I knew it from the start. It must have been a grand plan. Thank you to the planner!

....my dog. How could I not love that little face! He's 70 pounds of love. Seeing his tail wag, or hearing it thump against the floor is such a happy thing. Even when he's a pita, I love him.

....fall. The air is so crisp and clean. It's football season. The leaves on the trees are turning beautiful colors. I even love fall clothing.

....the Yankees, the Giants and UCONN. Go teams Go.

....chocolate. No explanation needed I should think.

....my dining room. I just love the colors we chose, the furniture. (Well okay maybe not the bookcase, but that won't be there forever.)

....my life. Sure, it's not perfect - but it's damn good.

Don't Block the Box!

Don't Block the box! This is one of my driving complaints. It annoys the heck out of me when people block intersections. If you can't get through the intersection on a green light, don't enter it. It's a way of saying "I'm more important than you are." Such people don't care that because they've blocked the box, now someone with a green light can not enter or pass through an intersection.

Don't Cheat on lanes! I can't stand people who think that their need to get ahead is so important that they make left-hand turns from the center lane - which is for going straight ahead. Other cheaters are the ones who come up from the a different lane and sneak into the turning lane at the last second - all to avoid waiting in the line of traffice in the turning lane. My last category of lane cheaters are on the highway, when there is a slow down in traffic and they drive in the breakdown lane. I know this is legal in some areas. It is not legal where I drive. And it's cheating.

Don't get in the left lane if you don't plan to keep up with the flow! Need I explain? My exception to this rule is if you move over temporarily to pass someone. But don't stay if you're not going to go with the flow. I'm not asking you to speed - just to go with the flow(recognizing that that may involve speeding).

Happy Thoughts for the Day - happy, happier and happiest....
Happy - The Yankees made the playoffs.
Happier - The Mets did not.
Happiest - The Giants beat the Eagles.

Pictures...

I haven't posted any pictures in a while - so here goes a few. We'll start with pictures from our wedding, since Tuesday was our 3rd anniversary.

Then we'll add some of Boomer and our garden for good measure. One picture shows Boomer riding in the truck, his head propped up sleeping as we drive to the Cape. The other shows him getting caught sleeping on the couch with A. The flowers are dahlias and a rose. The yellow ones are dinner plate dahlias. I've posted them before - they get like 7 inches across.

Random Monday thoughts

I'm down under 150! Yay! I figure 1 pound a week is a reasonable goal.

Have I mentioned that my dog does Chewbacca type noises? We've made a real effort to get him to stop barking at us. It's okay to bark at intruders, but not at us to indicate he wants something. So - we've been pretty successful. Instead of barking, he know does the Chewbacca things. He talks to us. Sometimes it's so funny sounding, I have to laugh.

I had a weird dream last night. In the planning for my mother's 75th birthday party, someone decided that we would have an American theme. So my sister said that she would not be making Swedish meatballs for the party - after all, they are Swedish not American. I had a total meltdown. Over meatballs.

Both the Yankees and Giants won yesterday. UCONN & the Yankees won on Saturday. Good sports weekend here.

I thought the new season of Desperate Housewives was starting last night. not until next week. But - premieres do start tonight - can not wait!

What if?

A & I were walking the dog the other night and passed one of the homes in our neighborhood that had recently sold. It had been on the market when we were buying, but was above our price range. We didn't really like it too much anyway, as it had a tudor style, but white siding and a roof in dire need of replacement. So - as we approach this house the other night, we see that the new owners have begun ripping off the siding. Underneath was stucco and lovely tudor markings - or whatever you call the wood in tudors. A says "Had I known that was under there I would have been interested in buying that house." That of course leads to the old "what if we had bought that house" kind of thought. We've had that thought with other homes. What if we had waited a few months to buy. The house that was listed at $100k over our price range steadily dropped in price to where it was listed within our price range in 6 months. What if we had waited and bought that house. It's bigger, has more bathrooms and has a bigger yard. What if. But then - I say - well it's across the street from a school - right across from the driveway. Would we really want to be dealing with that traffic? What ifs don't always have an answer that leads you to know you made the right decision.

I've been thinking on this topic the last few days - some of the other "what ifs" in my life. What if I had gone to a larger, co-ed college? Would I still be living within an hour of my childhood home? Would I have met and married someone in college? Would my career path have been the same? Would I know have kids in college or grad school? Maybe even be planning a wedding for a child?

What if I had stuck to my original plan to study nursing in college instead of thinking pre-med? Would I have stuck with it? Would I be good at it? Where would I be career-wise? Would I have been happy?

What if my father had not died when I was in college? Would I be who I am now? Would I have gone to school for my masters in South Carolina as originally planned? Where would I be living? Would my parents have moved to Cape Cod or Florida?

What if I had decided to have a child on my own, using a sperm donor before getting married? Would it have been a good life for me and my child? What if I decided to never diet again and just accept whatever weight I ended up at? Could I be happy? What if I hadn't lost that paycheck 20 years ago? I still think about that $200 in cash - what I could buy with it. What if I had bought my first condo in Bethel or New Milford instead of Woodbury? What if I had taken the job in California instead of the city in CT? What if we had gotten the Bridgeport account at MSDW? What if I had gone to Paine Webber? What if I had gotten the MDC job?

What if I had no miscarriages? What if we hadn't adopted Boomer?

What if I had been too hung up on the age difference to say yes to A? I just can not imagine that one. What if I had met A 8 years earlier? I like that one. I think that A and I were meant to be. Had we met 8 years earlier, we would have still fallen in love and gotten married. I like to think we would have had several children as well. The downside to us meeting 8 years earlier is another what if - What if A had been on duty on 9/11? I could not bear to know the answer to that one.

In the end, I think I'm in a good place. I love my husband dearly and can not imagine being with anyone else. I really like our house. It would be nice to have something bigger - like the one on the street behind us that is now listed at our purchase price - but that one's on a busy street and maybe their neighbors aren't as great as ours. So - if I could "get" any of my "what ifs", it would be to not have had a miscarriage and for my father not to have died. Totally understandable.

Bulky Waste Day

Today is bulky waste day in my neighborhood. It's kind of neat to see what people put out. You can see who has replaced their old computer or sofa. You know who has done a lot of yard work recently. I like bulky waste day. As a resident I like it. As a finance director - bulky waste days are expensive. My town does it EVERY WEEK! As a homeowner - it's great. Whatever you want to get rid of - put it on the sidewalk. It's gone - either a scavenger will pick it up or the public works crew. My contribution this week is a few old knickknacks, a plastic mail tray and a dead bunny. Before you get the wrong idea about my doggie - he did not kill the bunny. Not that he didn't want to, but he's innocent. I found it dead in our front yard this morning. I feel bad for the bunny and his extended bunny family, but it should be a little easier taking the dog out at night now that there's no bunny for him to chase.

Continuing with the bulky waste theme - don't you wish we could have a bulky waste day for our life problems, work issues, relationships, family members? This week I would throw my brother's wife on the bulky waste pile. Oh heck - who am I kidding - I would throw her out there any week. Maybe actually today I wouldn't put her out there because it happens to be my brother's birthday. (I sent a card. Mailed it Monday so he should have it on time, unlike the card he sent me.) I might throw the Giants defense on the bulky waste pile too. I would like to add a couple of board members, my weight problems, my knuckle cracking habit and my flabby arms. If only it were that easy.

Happy Thought for the Day....I love my morning walks with the dog in this weather. It's cool and crisp out. It feels so fresh and new. I love that we have the world mostly to ourselves.

Life List #7 Beat my older sister at Monopoly or Risk - either one - doesn't matter, so long as I WIN!

Really Important People

I saw someone really important today. I have no idea who he is - but he's definitely important. He does not have to stop at stop signs and he can park wherever he wants. Today he parked in a space reserved for the elderly, but because he's really important, it doesn't matter that he is, at worst, middle aged. This town I work in is full of really important people and their really important children. You know them - the kind that park in fire lanes because they are so important they just have to be able to get in and out fast. Or they park behind someone else, trapping them because clearly, those other people are just on the bottom of the food chain and no where near as important as said really important people. Then there's the really REALLY important people. They get to park in the handicapped spots because it would be dreadful if that really REALLY important person was not able to get in and do his business as fast as possible. Let me tell you - I would like my doggie to do his business on that really important person's car!

TGIF

Really - TGIF! That's my happy thought for the day - do we need more? The auditors leave today - not that it's all done - but the big pressure is off. I am going to have a weekend! I am going to sleep late tomorrow. Did you hear that Boomer? I do love my dog. I think he's very cute. But - when he get's up at 4 am and wants to play, roam the house, lick my face, lick A's face - then he's not quite so cute. I am not going to work tomorrow. In fact, I'm going to the UCONN game and I plan to have fun! Did you hear that UCONN? You need to win - that's part of the having fun part. I have been saving my "bonus points" on weight watchers so that I can indulge a little on Saturday. I don't want to go too far though - just a couple of beers and a bigger lunch than I would normally have. That's all.

Just some generic comments on life

• people need to learn how to merge onto a highway. That should be covered in driver's ed.
• kids will play with anything that amuse them - last night one of our friend's stopped by with his 8 year old - the kid was happy as could be just clomping around with one of A's boots on
• I think I could be happy with only 3 seasons - spring, summer and fall - if I had to, I would make do with 2 of the 3 and would happily give up summer if I could have spring and fall all year
• pink is a good color for me, I should wear more of it
• every house should have a front porch - they are just the best thing for a neighborhood

It's Hump Day!

Thank heavens! Halfway through the worst of the audit too!! That's one happy thought for the day. Happy thought #2 is from yesterday. I had gotten up to start my day, left the dog in bed with A. I came back into the bedroom to find the dog spooning A. I wish I had my camera. It was so cute. He even had his little leg up on A, just like I would. Totally adorable. Happy thought #3 - my return to WW is working! I'm not feeling too too hungry and I'm down almost 3 pounds. I know it's all water weight - but I feel encouraged. Saturday will be a test as we'll probably be tailgating before the UCONN game, but I'm going to gain myself some points by being active and I'm trying not to use up too many of my 35 "extra" points for the week, so that I can be a little bad on Saturday.

Yesterday was hard for A, harder than the last several 9/11 anniversaries have been. I think it's because he's back in Mid-town, at a company that lost quite a few guys on 9/11. For the previous several years, he's been in Harlem in a house that lost no one - although 2 of the guys lost their brothers. It's not quite the same. Memorials are slightly different, no pictures or placques of the 9/11 dead in the firehouse - so I think that's what hit him. That, and it was a Tuesday for the first time. Thank God it wasn't a gorgeous day like it was in 2001.

Life List #6. Knit something - anything - that is not simply stockinette or garter stitch.

Oh - and re: LL#5 - I mean to go to a game in each ballpark. There's one ballpark that I visited, but did not watch a game, so I'm not counting that.

9/11 Six Years On

I'll probably add to this post during the day - adding thoughts as they come to mind. First though - I want to start with this tribute that was published in Pensions & Investments magazine on 10/15/2001 in an ad from Progress Investment Management Company (trying to give proper credit.) I've tried to stay true to the original formatting.

Tribute
Some things can not be adequately expressed, yet cry desperately to be told
told to those you know and love
to those you meet in passing
told to the children of today
and to those who are yet unborn
You need to tell them what you saw that day
And make them see....

the ones who fought with hand and axe
and took the stairs by twos,
who looked into the face of death
and stayed its hand,
if only for a moment,
with a calm ferocity of spirit

the ones in uniform and those without
who vanished in the coming of a madman's dream
the fatherless...the motherless...the childless who remain to mourn them

Tell them of the great heart of a great people
And let them ask, and let them hear your answers.

To our friends and colleagues at the New York City Fire Department
To the men and women of the Police Department and emergency medical services
To all who have sacrificed and those who will.
We will tell your stories.
We will remember.

**********************************************************************
My younger sister has never been an early bird. Thank God for that - it may have saved her life on 9/11. My sister worked on the 89th floor of 1 WTC (the first hit). 5 of her co-workers were there in the building that day. All survived. They had all been in the back rooms of the office and managed to get out a back door. They said the front offices - where my sister's was - were all engulfed in flames.

And the winner is....

weight watchers. I decided that would be the easiest for me to manage. I'm on my third day and so far, so good. I've had moments of "I'VE GOT TO EAT SOMETHING BAD FOR ME AND NOW" but I'm managed to overcome them. Tonight, I plan to get myself some veggies to cut up and use for snackage. I think that I may try to mix some of the South Beach principles in there - can't hurt - right?

My doggie has kennel cough - got it at the kennel! Poor puppy. He really doesn't like taking his meds, but we're getting them in him. The cough medicine makes him drowsy. It's kind of funny to see him zonk out! Being the mean old nasty selfish peoples that we are, we give him the evening dose shortly before bed time! Hey - he's got to take the medicine - no reason we shouldn't benefit from it too!

The audit is upon me. It doesn't seem too bad so far. I got a lot done over the weekend to prepare. I have only a few entries left and the footnotes, md&a and transmittal. Half of that stuff usually waits until later anyway. The good old BOE is holding me up on stuff - pain in my butt.


Happy Thought for the Day - I will get to sleep with A. every night for the next two weeks.

Life list
5. Visit every major league baseball park. (I have been to 5 so far, if I count stadiums that are now closed.)

...for tomorrow I may diet...

yup - got to start - the fat pants are getting snug - so tonight I party, for tomorrow I may diet

What the heck happened? I was doing well, in a groove, staying pretty stable - then August happened. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Seriously though - let's add it up...

• golf outing - copious amounts of beer and other fun food
• 3 different Fire Department pickups - yup - copious amounts of beer and fun food
• vacation at Mom's - appetizers every night and copious amounts of wine
• my birthday - birthday cakes, birthday dinners, birthday drinks, etc

I have to figure out how I am going to do this. I've done Weight Watchers and South Beach before and both work. I do wish I had stuck with the South Beach Diet, but when we moved, I got slack. I've tried going back - but something always gets me off track. It's a guaranteed winner and it is healthy eating. But - breakfast is a toughie. A is off to rescue school for two weeks, which means I will have morning dog duty 4 days a week which in turn means limited time for breakfast preparation - unless, that is, I want to get up early or otherwise alter my morning routine. I am a creature of habit. I think it goes with being a Virgo - I need to stick to my routines. So - if I do SB starting now, that means figuring out something for breakfast other than scrambled eggs 4 days/week. It also means I really should do salads for lunch - that's been the best for me when on South Beach.

I could do Weight Watchers again. Again - healthy eating habits and it makes you consider your options, which is really good practice. I don't want to go to meetings though. If there isn't the dreaded weigh-in with a person other than myself - so that I can't lie or fudge - will I stick to it? Was that a key factor in WW working for me in the past? That need to please the weigh-in woman? I suppose if I think that's key, A could weigh me in. Can't trust the Boom Doggie to do that, he's not good with numbers. The other thing with WW is that you have to be dilgent and record everything you eat and you have to calculate points. I think I would have to sign up for the online program. Advantage SB here - no cost. WW has an advantage in that there are basically no banned foods - not even alcohol! I do think though, looking back on my August history, that I should stay off the sauce for a bit as I'm sure that was a major factor in my weight gain.

I don't like the Atkins diet. I could do the Special K thing, Special K for two meals a day and watching what I eat in between. I just don't see myself doing Jenny Craig or Nutri-system. I don't really like the idea of dieting by eating their food. What happens when you are done losing and need to transition back to preparing your own food? I've done hypnosis - and that really worked. I could do it again, I still have my tape. The thing is, in the tape, the hypnotist refers to me getting healthy as I'm trying to get pregnant. Do I want to listen to that? Reality is that we are still trying and it was after doing the hypnosis and losing some weight that I did get pregnant - so maybe I should dig that out.

I'm not sure what else is out there. I don't really trust myself to just "eat sensibly" in order to lose weight. I've also started doing some weight lifting and pilates again to help me be more fit. I need to kick up the cardio. The dog walks are not quite doing it. I'm thinking it would be good for all three of us - me, A and Boomer - to get out there for longer walks. Maybe this will be the time I maintain my weight level for a good long time. Hey - it could happen. Really.

When do I get over it?

Ever? My baby would be a year old now. Will there come a time when I don't look back and think "oh - my baby would be xx age now"? Part of me hopes yes, part hopes no. I don't ever want to forget that little life that A and I loved so well, that we had for far too short a time. It was way too early for us to know the sex, but I've always thought it was a little boy.

No happy thoughts today. I'm just going to get through the day. It will be busy, so that's good.

Important Question....

Are bitches born that way or are they made that way? And I'm not talking about dogs. Same thing about know-it-alls. Did they come out of the birth canal like that? Or is it something that developed over the years. And hypocrites? What about them?

Happy thought for the day - maybe for life - I think that A. volunteered to clean the bathroom from now on - for life. I hate cleaning the bathroom, especially the toilet. Now if I can get him to dust - my life will be complete!

Life list - what number am I on?

4. Play golf at Pebble Beach. Very do-able.

back to work

Well, it was a lovely 3 days off. Although I wasn't really off - I ended up working on the financials on Monday. Still, it was nice not to HAVE to do stuff.

I'm working on my happy thought for the day and not coming up with anything that I'm particularly happy about. It's not that I'm sad - I think it's just that I have a lot to get done at work this week.

WAIT! HAPPY THOUGHT! The new HR Director started today so I won't have to be doing HR work for much longer. Indeed a happy thought!

Faux Infertiles

I don't get it. What is it about infertility that some people want to share in? You tried for a few months and got pregnant and you count that as infertility?  Some people think they had a "struggle" to get pregnant. Hello honey - you tried for a few months, maybe took some drugs and got pregnant. You have not been trying for a year. You have not had multiple tests, invasive procedures, injectible drugs, etc that the rest of us have. You are not and never were facing an IUI,IVF or IVF-ICSI as your only chance to get pregnant. You did it the old fashioned way, in a bed with your husband. Okay - maybe you were in the backseat of a car or on the dining room flooor - but the point is - there was a physical connection, physical activity between you and your beloved that resulted in that pregnancy. It was not a doctor sticking a tube filled with semen or embryos up in your nether region while your only contact with your husband was hand holding. You didn't lose your pregnancy. You didn't have to take multiple drugs to try to keep it. You didn't worry each day that you would lose this one just like the last one. So you feel my pain? You understand my struggle? I DON'T FUCKING THINK SO!

A second happy thought for the day

SWEEP! SWEET!
And if you don't know what I mean - you're not a Yankee fan!
I'm not sure there's enough time left in the season for us to catch the Sox and win the division, but we needed this to have any chance.

It's a bitchy blog today, with a happy thought at the end

Okay - my birthday was Sunday. It is now Thursday. Do you think my brother has in some way communicated his happy birthday wishes to me yet? Shithead! No phone call. No card. Not even a lousy e-mail. Macy's sent me an e-mail. So did several other lovely companies. Look - I know that he was pissed I wasn't a boy - but he's had 46 years to get over that. This is not the first time he has forgotten. In fact, this is the 3rd year running. SHITHEAD!

Now - we are planning a party for my mother's 75th birthday. It started out as just me and A talking about doing Thanksgiving on the Cape, since he'll be on vacation in November, and how we could do something out there, maybe invite the neighbors. Or, if Mom wanted to come back to CT for the holiday because her brother is here, we could do something at our house. Well, little sis called Monday "neighbors want to know if we are doing anything" I told her we had a brief discussion with Mom, but nothing decided. Now she's off trying to get everything nailed down and planned. And coordinated with the neighbors? Huh? And she's somehow invited the rest of the family to Thanksgiving on the Cape. She's being a total PITA and can't understand why I'm irritated. I'm not really irritated - just don't think we need to be planning this thing 3 months in advance and what's the deal with "coordinating with the neighbors"? Hello? They get invitations, they respond. If they want to help with food or decorations, we address that when they offer. I'm seriously missing something here, because I just don't get it. It doesn't help that one aunt is already talking about booking her flight and her son, my favorite cousin, is already trying to figure out what hotel to stay in. IT's 3 MONTHS AWAY! My poor mother doesn't even know yet. I've left that to older sis to handle.

Then I get an e-mail internally. A new dept head can not find his copy of the audit. He doesn't know where the old DH left it. That's what the e-mail from his assistant tells me. So - in a snarky mood I respond asking if he wants help finding it or is he looking for me to provide another copy. Hello. My name is Bitch.

Okay - here's a happy thought. After work, I am going to pick up my doggie. We boarded him yesterday while we went to Long Island for a picnic. I can't wait to see that sweet little face!

Happy Thought/Life List

I got a good workout in this morning!

3. Visit all 50 states. (I've been to 33 so far.)

Happy Thought for Today/Life List Addition

A bad day of golf is better than a good day at work. And I had a good day of golf!

Life List...
2. I want to break 90 on the golf course.

A "Duh" moment leads to a question on issues

I was on a little shopping spree Saturday. I headed into Marshall's downtown. Now - to fully understand my upcoming "duh" moment, you need to know that I live in a very multi-cultural town. There is a large South American population. Walk down the main drag and you'll see restaurants with cuisine from almost every South American country. So - I walk into Marshall's and see a sign for one of the store sections. It says "Ladies" on top and underneath "Damas". I stood there for a moment trying to think what the heck damas are - like some kind of clothing! Then my five years of Spanish kicked in and I realized that it was "Ladies" in Spanish.

So - having had my little moment - it raises a question for me. Should we have all our signs in two languages? Why not 3? There are a lot of Brazilians here and they speak Portugese. What about assimilation? Should immigrants to America learn to speak English proficiently? If they do, are we killing off their language and culture - harming their children? My grandfather was a first generation American. His parents came here from Quebec. French was spoken in his home growing up, but also English. When PopPop married my grandmother, a first generation American born to Irish immigrants, he chose to speak only English in their home because my grandmother did not speak French. I think that it's really a shame that my mother and her siblings did not learn to speak French. So - I think it would be a bad thing if today's immigrants did not speak their native language in the home. But are we doing them, and our nation, a disservice by making it easy to get by without English? Or is it time we decided that this nation needs to be a bilingual nation?

Happy Day!

It's my birthday! I like birthdays! I'm not so much fond of the getting older part, but I like the celebration part, so I'll take them. And as they say - it beats the alternative! Today, A & I will be going to a picnic before he has to head back to work. It should be fun - please hold off rain! Last night I had dinner in the city with my friend Aimee. It was fun to sit and just chat, eat good food and drink good wine. I was a disaster trying to eat my appetizer - pate with sourdough bread. The bread was kind of crusty and at one point, I tried to bite into it and pate on top kind of flew off. Fortunately, it missed our purses and the bag with a gift Aimee had given me. Anyway - very cool restaurant - Five Points. I liked one thing they did in particular. On the side walls, they made it appear as though there were windows. It gave light to the room in a subtle way that also made the space seem larger. We had drinks later at the Campbell Apartment at Grand Central. That place is so cool. I had to run to catch my train home - but made it. I usually bring a book to read on trains. Last night's choice was "Rebecca" by Daphne du Maurier. I guess it's one of those books that you are supposed to read, but that I never had. Well, I'm really getting into it. The train ride home went very fast, as I was engrossed in my book. So - on to today.

I was just skimming an article in the NY Times about life lists. You know - the lists people make of things they want to do before they die. I have one somewhere. I'll have to dig it out and see what some of the things I've listed are. I know buy a boat is one. I might start using the blog as a recorder for things I would like to do in my life.

We'll start with a realistic possibility.
1. Own a boat.

Happy Thought for the Day

It's Friday! Does it get any happier than that!! Yes it does! It is beautiful and sunny out. I had a birthday cake - well half a cake - today at work. (My assistant and I are both 8/26 babies, so it was a whole cake - half his, half mine.) Tonight, I have a softball game. A is planning to come watch, after which we will likely go grab something to eat. I'm hoping for Colony Pizza. So, YES! It does get better than just being Friday!

Happy Thought for Today

I saw sun! It's gone right now - but it was there before. I am fully confident that it will stay out even longer tomorrow.

Mixed thoughts after the mini-vacation

We went to the Cape for a few days, hence no posts. (Like I'm a real daily blogger - right?!?) We stopped at A's parents on the way there, spent the night. I hate the bed we sleep in there. There is only a mattress over the springs. Get a box spring please! Next time, we'll sleep on the futon in the other guest room - a lot more comfortable! So - this was the Boom Doggie's first trip to A's parents' home. He was very excited. He ran around a lot and gave lots of kisses. G - A's dad - seemed to like having a dog on a temporary basis and volunteered for the poop and piddle outings. I started my weekend of prodigious (did I spell it right) eating the next morning. We had muffins, scones and eggs for breakfast. Mmmmmm.

On to the Cape. Weather was beautiful when we got there, but began to look like rain, so we got mom's stuff in off the line and made her bed. We like to rack up the brownie points! Hey - we are getting a virtually free vacation, so we need to help out around the house. The dog loves my mom. He enjoys being up there. He was very cute one afternoon when he managed to sneak out behind my mother. He was bounding around the yard. I could just see him thinking "I'm free, I'm free!"

Everything was all good until late Saturday afternoon. A comes in to me, listening to a message on his phone and says "Was I supposed to work this morning?" I told him I did not know and asked if they were looking for him to have been in the firehouse. Unfortunately, that was not the case. He had gotten a call telling him that there was a big fire at the Deutsche Bank Building and that word was one firefighter was dead and another one just barely hanging on. He was worried that someone was covering his shift and may be dead or nearly dead. He was also worried about all of the other guys in his firehouse and friends who were assigned to houses that would be responding. He was eventually able to get information telling him which company the dead firefighters were assigned to - I guess that's when he found out that the second one had passed. His main concern then was to check in on the guys in his house and to find out if his friend Chris, who was assigned to the firehouse of the brothers who passed, was okay. As the night wore on and into the next day, we got information. It was hard being so far away, because it wasn't top news to the Boston stations. We learned early Sunday that one of the men was a guy A had been friendly with in probie school. We also learned that it was A's company, including the guy covering his shift, that found the two men. They told him how bad it had been, the men who were low on air, the horrendous conditions, the fear that they weren't going home ever again.

I wonder what I would have done if we had not gone to the Cape for a few days, but had been at home. A would have been working. How would I have handled the news of the fire? Would I have been freaking out? Would I have even known? Sometimes I don't turn on the scanner when he's at work. I'm wondering if I should keep it off or on. Better to know or not know? We talked some about what would happen - who comes to notify me. A few years back, when he was in a different company, he had set it up that one of his friends would notify me. We decided this weekend that he'll set it up for their company Chaplain, who is a Priest in the Town I work for, to notify me. I'll tell you- if you ever ask what my greatest fear is - it's seeing a department car pull up in front of my house. I stressed to A that we need to start going to church again. What if something happened to him? Where would I bury him from? We need to belong somewhere. We need a faith-home. I know that the Chaplain would take care of us, but I want to belong somewhere. So I guess next weekend, we'll begin trying out some of the parishes in our area. I know I shouldn't "shop" for a church, but I want a place where we'll feel comfortable, where we'll be at home. If anything ever happens to A, I'm going to need it.

Happy Thought for the Day

It's not raining. Seriously - that is my happy thought. We drove home from the Cape yesterday in the rain. That sucked. Today's weather is not great, but it's not raining.

Holy Cow

The Scooter, Phil Rizzuto, died today. It's a sad day for Yankee fans. I'm too young to have seen him as a player, but I grew up with him as a Yankee announcer. He was terrific. You could tell how much he loved the game and the Yankees. Holy Cow.

Happy Thoughts - Two for Tuesday

Two days from now, I will be on the Cape with my husband and my dog. It just doesn't get much better than that.

I feel good physically, having started to work out again.

Silly Dog stuff

A. bought Boomer this rather large stuffed bowling pin. He, of course, has thoroughly enjoyed ripping it open, pulling out the squeakers and the stuffing. Last night, he pulled some more out. It is so much fun to watch him do this. He gets kind of frenzied sometimes. It's like this is what he lives for, what he was born to do - rip the stuffing out of toys! So - last night, he had pulled some out and started picking up the foam and tossing it in the air. I decided that this was not the best thing, so I started picking up the foam he was not currently carrying in his teeth. Well - kind of like a kid would do - he sees me picking up the foam and he decides he needs to hide what he already has - in his mouth. It was truly the funniest thing. My little doggie with his puffed out cheeks hiding his foam. Kind of like looking at me saying "no mom, I don't know where the rest is". I wish I had had a camera handy.

This morning - more silly stuff. Sometimes dogs see something that is outside the normal scene - like you've added a new decoration to the room - and they bark at it. Boomer did this when I was trying to decide what color to paint the bathroom, so I painted blocks of each color on the wall - he barked at the paint. So this morning, I'm taking him for his walk and he sees a garbage bag that the neighbor put out for pickup. Well - he gets in the stance and growls at the evil garbage bag. Too funny that dog! He was successful in scaring that bag. It did not attack us as we walked past. Later in that walk, my masculine doggie who was going to save me from the garbage bag, starts to cry when he sees a poodle being walked by his peoples across the street. He wanted to go play with the poodle and just gave this pitiful cries because he couldn't. Such a dog! I love this stuff!

My dog is lucky....

...that I wrote the previous post yesterday afternoon. Had it been 12:30 this morning - might not have been the same post. It's so hard to be mad at that cute little face - but when he wants to go outside and sniff around - not pee or poop - at 12:30 in the morning - it gets a little easier. He is the sweetest thing though.

I love my dog

Dogs are wonderful little beings. Give them some food, a warm place to sleep and take them for a walk and they will repay you with unconditional love. I know - you know all about it. It just needs repeating sometimes. They don't ask much - well - okay - sometimes he asks a lot - but really - I can read later. Some day he won't want to play ball anymore. It's not a bad life they have. Sleep most of the day, play a little ball, eat some food, head to bed. Oh - and give out kisses in between. Yup - a good life.

Be careful what you wish for...

You know how people always say that to you? Hinting that what you are wishing for may not be so good? I'm beginning to feel that way about something I asked for. Our former Town Treasurer was awful. The man was a misogynist and a bigot. He was rude and was becoming forgetful. That last part was really one of the worst things. He would forget to make deposits or send wires. Not so good for our bank accounts, that one. So - I, as you might imagined, wished that he would be replaced. He was. Now, sometimes I wish for him back. His replacement is a woman with a big ego and a big mouth - not the gossiping kind - just the endless yakking kind. I have my own big ego and one of these days, we will clash. Part of the problem we are having these days is that I control with whom we do our banking. She controls with whom we do our investing. She is constantly sticking her nose into my arena. I'm willing to listen to her ideas and explore new avenues, but she does not decide what goes on in my office. So there! :P

I'm too old for this....almost

I played softball last night. I used to play for our work team. I'm not that good. I played as a young girl, but never in my teen years. Then as an adult, I played for work teams from time to time. I do not have a strong throwing arm. I think if I worked on it, that would improve. I need to work on my hitting too. This year, after a couple of years off, I said I would play for one of the volunteer fire houses in town. I really like this bunch of people. They are fun to play with. None of them take it too seriously - unlike my own work team did in the past. We win or we lose - but we have fun doing it. So - despite my advancing age and creaking body, I will play with them again next season if they need a girl. (They have to have 3 girls on the field in a game.) Last night was a particularly fun game. We played Jet Blue. If you remember their funny ads from a few years ago - think about that attitude trickling down throughout the corporation. These people were fun. They didn't even get upset when one of our players fouled a ball off and it knocked over one of their beers! Talk about cool people! I am a little achy this morning. Okay - a lot achy. I've long had problems with my achilles tendons. The left one is bad this morning. I even stretched before the game. Oh well. I need to get into something like yoga - try to get this body more flexible. I'm sure A would enjoy that too!

A few pictures to brighten my blog

Some of the Boom Doggie, some flowers

Thoughts on living infertile in a family world

There was a little bit of a "to do" on one of my message boards this week. Someone wanted to organize a "mom's get together" and used the board to do it. This did not sit well with everyone. The original poster did not mean to be hurtful, but she was. That kind of thing happens a lot in the world - people don't mean to be hurtful, but they are. Often it's from just not thinking. Sometimes it's because they don't realize that they should be thinking. Which raises some questions for me. How far should we go to not be hurtful? When does it become ridiculous to be tip-toeing around someone's feelings and when can we take reasonable actions to be considerate? I think that years ago, infertility was just something you didn't talk about - like cancer. I've read that many people don't really know what the history of cancer is in their family because years ago, the word wasn't said. Today, knowing how important family history is and with medical advances to treat cancer, it's much more talked about. Maybe infertility is more talked about now because it can be treated in some cases.

I don't think society has really figured out how to deal with those of us who are infertile. The world is geared towards families. Parenthood is celebrated. We have holidays for parents! It always seem so much more horrible when tragedy befalls a parent. It can be very hard to live in a world designed for families. You can begin to feel like you have no place in the world. One of the questions most asked when you meet someone for the first time is "Do you have kids?" and when you say no - a lot of people don't know what to do with you! You get the nosy ones who probe as to why, there are the ones who can't think of another question to ask, there are those who offer you their kids (never a good thing to do) and of course there are the terrific people who move on to another topic or respond well to your moving on to another topic.

Infertility is so painful and so personal. You may never know that your co-worker, neighbor, friend or relative is suffering from infertility. If you don't know, how do you avoid hurting them? By their silence, have they foregone the right to sensitivity? I think that with a little common sense, a moment of thinking - you can sometimes avoid hurting someone who is silently suffering. Just some examples to show what I mean:

1. If you or your wife just had a baby, only send out pictures of that baby to people who have requested them. I had a co-worker who sent me pictures of his new baby twice - once the pictures were specifically directed to me. I had never asked for them, never even talked to him about his wife's pregnancy - yet he sent me pictures of his brand new baby a couple of days after she was born. It devastated me. My baby had been due that same week. He could have saved me a lot of pain. I'm sure that in his joy, he never considered that there was anyone who wouldn't want to see the pictures.
2. If you ask someone "do you have kids" and they say no - Leave it at that. Move on. There is nothing wrong with that. If the person wants to talk about it - volunteer further details, they will.

If you know someone who is open about their infertility, be supportive - but don't be stupid. Offering your tales of your friends who tried for months, then went on vacation and got pregnant does not help. Talking about that celebrity who just had twins at age 48 doesn't help. Someone undergoing infertility treatment knows darn well that said celebrity used donor eggs and IVF. "Just relax" "eat pineapple" "elevate your hips after sex" "pray" - trust me - they've probably not only tried all that, but have done more. Do not ever suggest that it is God's will. It's no more God's will that your friend can't get pregnant than it is God's will that a crack addict can produce baby after baby and neglect them. What you need to do is offer an ear - and mean it. Offer a shoulder to cry on. Understand that the treatment is taxing - the number of doctor's visits, having blood drawn every other day, getting ultrasounds every other day, the cost, the emotional ups and downs from hormones and expectations. Pay attention to your friend's reaction to news or activities that involve children. Some may want to be isolated, some may not.
Like I said before, it's really hard to be infertile in a world designed for families. I think as years go by and people learn more about it, it will become easier.

A no-picture post

It's Friday. I'm beat. My beloved has been away all week at a Firehouse Expo in Baltimore. He's having fun. I'm walking the dog, working my butt off and then walking the dog again. Work is so busy, I've been bringing stuff home. I had visions of doing a bit of a diet while A. was away - but I haven't been too good about it. Tonight, I plan to go home, drink wine and eat pizza. I may sit on the porch and read too. I have a South Beach pizza in the freezer, but I think I'll go out and get one from our favorite pizza place. And I think that I will be horribly selfish and get onions on it too. That's selfish because A. does not like onions, so that means all the leftovers will be mine! He's due home tomorrow night, so there may not be any left by then anyway. I got a bunch of books from Amazon today. Two are the kind that you are supposed to read to be well read - Rebecca and A Tree Grows in Brooklyn - the others are more like beach reads. I have to finish the book I'm reading now first though The Bourne Ultimatum. It has become a "can't put down" read for me. One of the books I got is about infertility and how it impacts a marriage. I think it's fiction. I've been told it does not have a stereotypical "she relaxed and got pregnant" ending. I wouldn't read it otherwise.

Back to real life - my boss is leaving in two months - going to another town. People have asked if I am interested in his job. I don't think I am - which says to me that I should not do it. I am concerned about the politics that you get hit with at his level. I'm much safer - more insulated where I am. I'm also not convinced that I am ready for his job. I wanted another 5 years, during which I could learn, take some courses in areas where I feel I have a weakness and get myself ready. The other thing is - I don't think they would pay me what they are paying him. His current salary is about 20% more than what I make. I think that max, they would give me about 10% more than what I am getting now. I don't think that would be sufficient compensation for the increased responsibility, hours and aggravation. And as A. said - what happens if I don't like it - I can't exactly go back and positions in my current field don't open up everyday. I'm limited in where I can work by where we have to live - so - all things considered, I'll likely stay right where I am.

So A. has been gone for a week. The last time he was away from me (as opposed to me being away from him) for this length of time was when he went to New Orleans with the FDNY after Katrina. That was when I started this blog! I'll have to go back and read it from the start - see what kind of progress I have made!

drive by post

Just a quick post to show off some of my flowers. The yellow dahlia is a dinner plate dahlia. It's at least 7 inches across! I like the lilies too. I didn't plant them. They are an unusual color. The hydrangeas are from the same bush as the purple one - go figure.

thinking about gardens

I'm enjoying my lunch hour, reading about perennials. I want to plan my gardens. I want color from spring to fall. I want a variety of colors, heights, bloom size. I think that, although the dahlias promise to be lovely, that I don't want to have to pull bulbs for the winter. I want to add some annuals, but not a lot. Weeding is work enough - who wants to plant all summer too.

I need to learn about my rose bushes - how to prune, what to feed them, how to move them - all sorts of stuff. I want to learn about hydrangeas too. Mainly right now I want to figure out how to dry the blooms, not grow them. So - off I go to do research. In the meantime, for your viewing pleasure, some pictures of plants from my garden and one of the Boom Doggie. BTW - these were taken with my Palm Treo - so please excuse the quality.