Thoughts on living infertile in a family world

There was a little bit of a "to do" on one of my message boards this week. Someone wanted to organize a "mom's get together" and used the board to do it. This did not sit well with everyone. The original poster did not mean to be hurtful, but she was. That kind of thing happens a lot in the world - people don't mean to be hurtful, but they are. Often it's from just not thinking. Sometimes it's because they don't realize that they should be thinking. Which raises some questions for me. How far should we go to not be hurtful? When does it become ridiculous to be tip-toeing around someone's feelings and when can we take reasonable actions to be considerate? I think that years ago, infertility was just something you didn't talk about - like cancer. I've read that many people don't really know what the history of cancer is in their family because years ago, the word wasn't said. Today, knowing how important family history is and with medical advances to treat cancer, it's much more talked about. Maybe infertility is more talked about now because it can be treated in some cases.

I don't think society has really figured out how to deal with those of us who are infertile. The world is geared towards families. Parenthood is celebrated. We have holidays for parents! It always seem so much more horrible when tragedy befalls a parent. It can be very hard to live in a world designed for families. You can begin to feel like you have no place in the world. One of the questions most asked when you meet someone for the first time is "Do you have kids?" and when you say no - a lot of people don't know what to do with you! You get the nosy ones who probe as to why, there are the ones who can't think of another question to ask, there are those who offer you their kids (never a good thing to do) and of course there are the terrific people who move on to another topic or respond well to your moving on to another topic.

Infertility is so painful and so personal. You may never know that your co-worker, neighbor, friend or relative is suffering from infertility. If you don't know, how do you avoid hurting them? By their silence, have they foregone the right to sensitivity? I think that with a little common sense, a moment of thinking - you can sometimes avoid hurting someone who is silently suffering. Just some examples to show what I mean:

1. If you or your wife just had a baby, only send out pictures of that baby to people who have requested them. I had a co-worker who sent me pictures of his new baby twice - once the pictures were specifically directed to me. I had never asked for them, never even talked to him about his wife's pregnancy - yet he sent me pictures of his brand new baby a couple of days after she was born. It devastated me. My baby had been due that same week. He could have saved me a lot of pain. I'm sure that in his joy, he never considered that there was anyone who wouldn't want to see the pictures.
2. If you ask someone "do you have kids" and they say no - Leave it at that. Move on. There is nothing wrong with that. If the person wants to talk about it - volunteer further details, they will.

If you know someone who is open about their infertility, be supportive - but don't be stupid. Offering your tales of your friends who tried for months, then went on vacation and got pregnant does not help. Talking about that celebrity who just had twins at age 48 doesn't help. Someone undergoing infertility treatment knows darn well that said celebrity used donor eggs and IVF. "Just relax" "eat pineapple" "elevate your hips after sex" "pray" - trust me - they've probably not only tried all that, but have done more. Do not ever suggest that it is God's will. It's no more God's will that your friend can't get pregnant than it is God's will that a crack addict can produce baby after baby and neglect them. What you need to do is offer an ear - and mean it. Offer a shoulder to cry on. Understand that the treatment is taxing - the number of doctor's visits, having blood drawn every other day, getting ultrasounds every other day, the cost, the emotional ups and downs from hormones and expectations. Pay attention to your friend's reaction to news or activities that involve children. Some may want to be isolated, some may not.
Like I said before, it's really hard to be infertile in a world designed for families. I think as years go by and people learn more about it, it will become easier.