April 28, 2006

Happy Birthday to my little sister!

I've been neglectful here. Okay - not to jinx things - but it looks like we've got a house. The seller has accepted our offer. Now we have to deal with the results of the inspection. We found out that the furnace needs to be replaced right away. We knew it needed to be done, but thought we would have a couple of years. We're inclined to ask for some sort of concession, but we don't want to lose the house over it. what to do, what to do, what to do

Work is busy. Next week I leave for a conference. I'm looking forward to that. Time seems to be flying right now!

All in all, life is good.

April 13, 2006

I need to be talked down. Sometimes I obsess about stuff. Right now - I'm obsessing about my employee who is leaving today. I'm glad she's going. She did a good enough job with her work, but she's the one who told other people about my miscarriage. She has a real tendency to talk about other people's private lives. So - my obsession right now is that I really wish everybody else here knew what she was really like. I hate how nice everyone is being to her because she is leaving. I want her shunned. Don't be taking her to lunch - she's talked about you too. Don't be buying her flowers - do you know how much of your life she's revealed to others? I really want to shout and say "She's not this wonderful person that you all think she is." She's not a horrible person, but if people only knew the truth about her - they would be giving her a wide berth. And I have to sit her silent. If I told people, then I'm just climbing down into her gutter. And I know it is terribly un-Christian of me to wish this - but I can't help it right now. I was wronged and I want some retribution.

I also worry about what she has said about me. I know she was unhappy a few months ago when she wanted more vacation time than I could give her. She's also told some lies in her leaving. She told me and the HR director that she could only give two weeks notice because her new job wanted her to start right away. Lie. She's taking next week off. She told this guy in another department - this union leader that she supposedly does not ever talk to - that she was leaving before she told me. That was just not right. People here have no clue about her. Well - some people do. They knew what she was like before I did.

Oh - and have I mentioned that she dates my husband's cousin? None of said cousin's friends like her. They tell him to drop her on a regular basis. But - he doesn't. And I love my husband's cousin - he's a great guy. So - I have to suck it up and put up with her even after she leaves my office.

I need to get over it. She will get her just desserts. I just wish that I could see it when it happens.

April 12, 2006

Quick thoughts
- People need to learn to share the sidewalk. Earlier this week, I encountered two women on walking side by side the sidewalk coming towards me. There is only room for two abreast. Instead of one of them stepping aside momentarily, they forced me off the sidewalk. Rude!

- Just when I think I'm getting clear of all the emotional issues with my miscarriage, stuff happens. Monday night it was coming home and finding yet another issue of Fit Pregnancy had arrived. I cancelled that magazine right away. I just couldn't handle it Monday night. You think you are getting stronger and someone kicks you in the gut. Today, it was getting a request from another department at work to make a contribution for a gift to a guy and his wife who are having their first child. Just another kick in the gut seeing that and knowing that it's not going to happen for me.

- Some good stuff - we made an offer on a house yesterday. I'm am excited and nervous. We want this house. It would be such a great house. It needs work - but we are ready for that - looking forward to it even. I'm afraid to get too attached to it yet though - just in case we don't get it.

- The budget is almost done. I always feel so much more relaxed when it's finally put to bed. Of course - this year I have negotiations to deal with and we'll be short handed in the office for a while - but we'll make it.

- The weather is getting nice. I'm getting out for walks most days. Today I will be walking to the convenience store to buy my Powerball tickets!!

April 6, 2006

Happy Birthday to my cousin Elyce and her husband Tom! Elyce joins the world of 40 somethings today. She is a terrific person. One of those people you enjoy being with. I wish she lived closer.

Life has been hectic. It's budget season at work and we are getting down to the end so I'm really crunching out a lot of work. I can't wait for it to be over! Today has been especially tiring. I had a GFOA meeting that was 1 1/2 hours away. Then I had to leave mid-meeting to be back here to go over some budget stuff with my boss before the meeting tonight. Plus I had to get some stuff ready for the board, so that I can calculate a tax rate on the fly tonight so they can see where they are before the final changes. Plus I've been reviewing how to do the payroll this week since my payroll clerk is leaving next week. Can I say good riddance here? Of course I can - it's my blog! I can say whatever I want!

We are going to look at houses this weekend. I am so excited. Strange as this may seem, I hope we end up with one that is in need of a little work. I want to do that kind of stuff - repainting, stripping wallpaper - make it our house.

At my meeting today, two of my male colleagues told me their wives were expecting. They have no idea of our struggles to have children. It can be so hard to put on that bright happy "oh congratulations" face. I'm adapting to the child free concept, but I don't think I'll ever completely get over not being able to have kids. And it looks like adopting is just not in the cards for financial and emotional reasons.

My great-uncle passed away this week. There's a graveside service tomorrow and I hope I can make it. My mom says that my brother is going. I just hope he doesn't bring his bitch with him. It's my blog - I can call her that here. I suppose I should be a little careful. My nephew is rather computer savvy. I don't think he would find it though - there's no clues to lead him here. I found his blog though. He doesn't know. I've learned some interesting things reading his blog!

Well - I think I am off to go suit shopping before my meeting - and maybe to pick up a quick bite to eat.

March 28, 2006

I can't do the online Jeopardy try out tonight. I'm not happy. I have to be at a meeting for work tonight. I won't be able to watch the UCONN women's game tonight either. What a bummer about the men. I'm rooting for LSU on the men's side now.

I've been walking at lunchtime when I can. And if I can't walk, I do cardio at home. I'm trying to get cardio in at least every other day and weights as well. I'm also being careful about my eating. I'm seeing the difference in the fit of my clothes, but not on the scale and that makes me mad. Our scale can be ornery. Sometimes, it seems to be stuck on the previous weight. I don't always trust it as a result.

We've begun house hunting. It's exciting and terrifying! And something new to post about !!

March 23, 2006

Wow. It's been a while. There has been stuff happening. I haven't really had anything I felt like writing about that wasn't really whining. Like having my personal pain exposed by someone I thought was a friend. Then having one of those days where you think maybe you should be committed or at least be on serious drugs. But - I have decided to focus on being happy. I have a wonderful husband. He's been sick. He's been on vacation too - sucks to be sick on vacation. While he's been off, he's let his beard grow a bit, but he has it trimmed in a Van Dyke. I like it. Too bad it's against regs. He's the best thing that ever happened to me.

I'm trying to be good about exercising more and watching what I eat. We are going to a dinner dance Saturday. It's when things like this come up that I really really wish I hadn't gained this weight. I'm not sure what the scale will say tomorrow morning, but I feel good. So I'm focusing on that.

I got a new dress for a black tie event we are going to in May. It was a very good buy, plus it's a beautiful dress. More good things.

One bad thing I have to sneak in here - I am sucking big time in both NCAA pools I'm in! :) That's a fun bad thing. Tennesee killed me. There were plenty of others, but we UCONN fans don't like Tennessee anyway - so it's easy to blame them.

So back to all about being happy. We are hoping to buy a house this summer. First step is to find out what kind of mortgage we can get. I'm psyched and scared all at once. It's a huge commitment, but one we want to make. I'm tired of renting. I want my own place to decorate. I want a place where no one is walking over my head, where I'm not sharing a hot water heater with 2 other families, where I can park in a garage. Soon - it's coming soon.

March 6, 2006

I'm trying very hard to work on the whole swearing thing. Today, as I was leaving the RE's office - which does not put me in a good frame of mind - I had an encounter that might normally let some of my road rage slip and the swearing come out. But - it didn't! Small victory for the day. This goober was coming up in the right lane, going really fast (mind you I'm a speed demon) and clearly he wanted to get around me. Eventually, it suited my purposes to let him go by. Well - get this - Bubba (as I affectionately named him rather than MotherF***r) was driving a light blue Subaru Impreza (very manly) with a spoiler and big tailpipe. Okay - if you want to have a hotrod looking car - a Subaru Impreza? Light blue? Oh boy - what a goober. I'll bet he picks up lots of chicks in that!
I think I'm making some progress on the issue of getting my body back into shape. I did 20 minutes of cardio Saturday night - half of it was really tough stuff. Sunday, I did 10 minutes of cardio and another 40 of pilates. That made me feel really good. I wasn't great with the snacking - but improved. So far today, I have resisted snacking (other than popcorn which is part of my plan) and it wasn't hard. It hasn't felt like denial. Let's hope this continues!
So - another blood draw today. I'm hoping that this was the last one. I'm just waiting for the phone call. I think that when I am done with the RE, it will really help me put this behind me. I know that there will be moments of sadness and tears - like I had this weekend - but I will feel like I've really turned a corner. I kind of feel right now like I'm approaching the end of the street, ready to turn the corner into the sunshine - but I'm not there yet. It's hard seeing little babies on TV - knowing that I'm not going to have that ever. Going back to church was hard. I know God didn't cause this - but I'm still not over my anger there.
My honey is home sick today - horrible way to start his vacation. I feel so bad when he's sick and I can't do anything for him. Hopefully the doctor will be able to put him on the road to recovery soon!

March 3, 2006

First lesson of the day - clean off the roof of your car after a snowstorm (and all windows too). I did - but I sure wish others would too. It's just SO much fun to be riding down 95 when someone's snow stack blows off the roof of their car back at you.

Second lesson of the day - weed through your saved e-mails on aol and delete some once in a while. Otherwise, one day you will have over 2000 e-mails to go through!

I'm doing well. I'm laughing more than crying these days. There is always sadness, but it's getting easier to bear.

I'm taking a mini-break from weight loss efforts tonight, but starting up again tomorrow.

Oh - and the count on the "no swearing" thing is up. One last night - but that was justified since the board I staff would not cancel their meeting despite the snow. Then again today I swore while in the car. It's something about getting behind the wheel that does it to me. It's a form road rage I think.

March 1, 2006

It's Ash Wednesday. I'm being a bad Catholic. I did not go to get ashes. I just don't feel like going. It's not a Holy Day - so I think I'm still good with God. I need to get going back to church. I didn't go the weekend I lost the baby for obvious reasons. Then there was the blizzard and I've fallen back out of the habit I had gotten into. Hopefully this weekend I'll get myself back there. I've decided to try to give up swearing for Lent again this year. I've already blown it. I started to say "f**ing" something today - realized what I had just said - then (get this) I said "D*** I swore." Hello! I'm doing better with the no sweets deal that I agreed to with my husband. Okay - it's only been one day. I'm doing that part to help me get myself back in shape. I need to lose about 15-20 pounds. I did workout tonight - that felt good. I got these 10 minute DVDs. Each has 5 10 minute workouts. I did 2 cardio segments, one toning segment and one stretching segment. Not a bad job. I want to be in better shape before the firehouse dinner dance and then in really decent shape for my annual conference in May. We'll be going to a black tie dinner at that and I would like to look nice in whatever I wear, not frumpy and dumpy! I'm doing better dealing with my loss. The counseling has helped. Support from friends and family has helped. What's helped the most though is the constant love and support from my husband. I've read the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People." It has really helped. I plan to read it again. I get the authors point, that the world is random and God doesn't cause the good or bad things, he's not testing us, etc - and that when the bad things happen, we need to turn to God for help in where to go next. I'm just not ready for it yet. Okay - for whatever reason, blogger is not letting me do carriage returns. So - on to a new topic - bulk e-mails. We all have those people in our lives that send out these e-mails with jokes, political crap, chain letters, etc to all the people in their address books. I have 3 such people - my aunt, my husband's uncle (I thought it was his aunt up until this week) and a friend of ours. I get annoyed with the political crap - seems all three of these people are conservative Republicans who don't realize that I'm a semi-liberal Democrat. Two of the three have the unfortunate habit of sending stuff out without checking the veracity of the information they are forwarding. Well - a little brouhaha developed this week when one of my e-mailers sent something out about the ACLU and crosses on federal property. This prompted a response from one of the other recipients. Soon we have a reply to all war going on. Where am I going with all this? The jokes are fine. I love the pretty pictures. But before sending out the political stuff you should do two things. One - consider your audience and two - check the facts. That's it. I'm stepping off my soap box. One last thing - I went to see UCONN v. Villanova Men's Basketball this Sunday at Gampel Pavilion. AWESOME! WE WON!! In honor of my UCONN Huskies - I will color this post UCONN blue.

February 10, 2006

I lost my baby just about two weeks ago. It's been a struggle since. The physical issues have mostly gone, but emotionally I just don't know where I am. I think that part of my problem is accepting that it's okay to be grieving. There is something in me that feels like I should be able to get over this. I think that's maybe because I had to go back to work so soon after. I wasn't able to stay home and work through it, but had to be back at work the Tuesday after it happened. My husband has been wonderful. He's my rock. I've always known that I loved him very much - but each day since we lost our baby, I have fallen more deeply in love with him. The way he has cared for me has just been awesome. Whether it's holding me as I cry, kissing me gently, telling me that he loves me, making me breakfast, calling to check up on me or telling me how sexy I am - he does so much to help me feel better. I worry about him. I worry that I'm not taking good care of him. He tells me that talking to the guys at the firehouse really helps. The fire department really is a brotherhood. I am so thankful for them. I'm seeing a counselor. That, I think, is helping. I've actually seen two. I went to see our counselor from work and my RE wanted me to see someone they know who specializes in fertility issues. I decided to see both and then pick the one I felt would be most helpful to me. That sounds a little funny when I think about it - like test driving counselors. Anyway, the one the RE recommended is nice and said some things that really helped - but I don't think her expertise in fertility issues helps. I need help with grief just as much as I do with facing the infertility problem. So, I'm sticking with my work counselor.

I am heading up to visit my mother next weekend. I think that will be very good for me to be with her. Mother-love is a wonderful medicine! Also, she lives near a beach and walking on the beach has always been a very calming activity for me. Plus, she's been sick. She was in the hospital earlier this week with a kidney stone. So my visit will be a chance for me to help her out too.

I suppose that's all for now. I'm ready to hunker down this weekend and wait out the storm. Blizzard warnings - yikes!

January 30, 2006

I miscarried on Saturday. The doctor gave me medicine to cause it after the ultrasound on Thursday showed no heartbeat. It started a lot earlier than I thought it would. I took the medicine at 11 and it started about 2:30. I had hoped it wouldn't start until later, when my husband would be home from work. I ended up getting very little sleep because of the cramping. In the end it wasn't scary. It was like a really, really bad period. My husband took very good care of me the rest of the day and since. I had called my mom Friday night to tell her. I couldn't do much but cry. My sisters both called over the weekend, they have been great. I could care less whether my brother and his family ever know. My SIL doesn't like me anyway. I'm sure she would make all the proper sympathetic noises though. Then she would go talk about me behind my back. I went back to the doctor today to see if all the tissue had been expelled. It has been, but they still want to monitor my hormone levels. I have to go back on Friday. I really don't want to have to keep going back. I want it to be done. I want to start moving on with life. I want to get myself back in shape. I had lost some weight before getting pregnant, but I think I've put it back on since. I haven't exercised since the start of this IVF cycle. I need to start doing that kind of thing - moving on. I'm not sure when they'll let me start working out. I know that physically, I'm not ready today - but I will be soon. I just hope that when I feel like I can move forward in that direction, I'm not being held back psychologically by having to continue with monitoring by the doctor.

January 23, 2006

I heard this morning on the radio that today is the gloomiest day of the year. It is. That's for damn sure. Life is not so good anymore. I'm pregnant, but it doesn't look like I'll be that way much longer. I had an ultrasound this morning. The baby hasn't grown as expected in the last week and it's heartbeat is not as fast as they would expect. My doctor expects that when I go back on Thursday for another ultrasound, there will no longer be a heartbeat. I knew that this could happen - that getting pregnant was only a small part of the battle. It just hurts so much and I can't even go home and cry. I have to get the budget finished and to the printer by the end of the day. All I want right now is to be in my husband's arms and I can't have that. I was really beginning to believe that this was happening and that we would have a healthy baby. We had such hopes. I know that we could still get a miracle, but the odds are not with us.

It's hard to keep a secret. I'm keeping a good one. I don't want to tell it just yet because I don't want to jinx it. Silly - right - but I'm somewhat superstitious - remember it was my fault the Giants lost the playoff game, all because I tivoed it.

I'm heading to DC tomorrow for a couple of days of meetings. I will not see my husband until Friday evening. He has to work tonight - so saying goodbye to him this morning was tough. I reminded myself though, that this was not as bad as when he went to New Orleans.

He had rope training with the FDNY yesterday. All FDNY firefighters have been given personal safety ropes. This is in response to the tragedy of about one year ago, when 6 guys were forced to jump about 5 stories down from a burning building. 2 were killed. One walked away with very few injuries, but the others suffered severe injuries. So yesterday, he was learning how to use the new ropes they have been given.

Football wise - I'm now rooting for Carolina and Pittsburgh. I've never much cared for Denver and I like the coach from Carolina - he's a former Giants coach. I wanted the Colts to win on Sunday, but I knew that interception reversal was wrong and didn't want to see them win as a result of that. I think things worked out as they should.

January 9. 2006

Life continues to be good. Except for the Giants. I am so disappointed. I feel like it's my fault. I tivoed the game. Ever time I tivo a game, they lose. I thought about it, but said to my self "Self, really, your tivoing the game will have absolutely nothing to do with the outcome." Ha! I set the tivo because I was going to a get together with some friends that I had never met before. Sounds funny doesn't it. I was meeting up with a bunch of ladies that I chat with online on a regular basis. It was so nice to meet all of them. Well worth missing the game. I was exhausted afterwards though. It was a long drive and I tire easily these days. Well, sportswise, at least UCONN had a halfway decent weekend. I'm bummed that the girls lost to Tennessee. I hate Tennessee and Pat Summitt. But - the boys won and it was an exciting game. I would, however, prefer they be a little less exciting. I know that because I'm a girl, I probably should prefer watching the women's team, but I just find the men's game so much more exciting. Now that the Giants are out, I will focus on UCONN sports. I'll still be watching football of course - must have football on Sundays. I will be rooting for Indianapolis to win it all. I think that I would like to see Chicago win the NFC. As long as New England and Washington go no further, I'll be happy.

January 5, 2006

Life continues to be good. Life is busy though - and getting busier. The budget madness is starting. A little funny from earlier this week - you know when someone tries to show off their knowledge of a topic - or maybe tries to trip you up? Someone did that with me this week, in a public meeting. She asked me about implementing an accounting standard - would it be difficult for us and what were the financial implications. It was embarassing. We implemented that standard 2 years ago. In fact, everybody - except the very very small entities - had to have implemented it by the end of the last fiscal year. And financial implications? Uh - the standard just changed our reporting, no financial implications. I suppose that part of the question wasn't too bad - but she really blew it with the first part. There's actually another standard that's out that she should have asked about. It would have indicated real knowledge on her part and there could be financial implications with that one.
Anyway, as I say, life is good, but I'm tired a lot these days - so off to the couch to watch one of my obsessions - CSI!

January 1, 2006

Happy New Year! Life is good. Here's hoping we all have a healthy, happy year filled with love and friendship. I hope it is also filled with lots of victories for the NY Giants, the Yankees and UCONN! :)

December 26, 2005

Christmas was lovely. We had my mother, sisters, one sister's boyfriend and dog for brunch Christmas morning. It was a little tight in our apartment, but nice to be together. I've been off my diet, but that was partly due to the potential pregnancy. I figure that now is not the time to be dieting. Okay - that's my excuse for eating without boundaries at the moment. I haven't really been dieting, just eating healthier, which was helping me to lose weight. Instead of snacking on chips and cookies, it was celery and apples. So - I've been slacking. My pregnancy test is Wednesday, but I plan to get back to healthy eating tomorrow (Tuesday). I am nervous about the beta. (Beta - IVF talk for pregnancy blood test.) I am hopeful and fearful. After the retrieval, my husband asked me what would I do if it as negative, but the RE said I could try again. I really don't know. I've had my mind set, accepting that this was the last try. What would I do if he said I could go again. Hopefully, that won't become an issue.

December 18, 2005

We put back a basketball team yesterday - or as my husband terms it, a truck company (fire department lingo there). None were grade 1, but there were several grade 1.5. One of the five embryos was actually a morula - not quite a blast. I have no idea if that one is any more likely to implant. So - we're praying a lot. We're talking to the little guys and girls, asking them to stick around. I'm taking it as easy as I possibly can - even cancelling meetings at work - but somehow I still have to go to the dentist.

Now - I must say - GO TIKI! What a game yesterday!! And the makeshift offensive line did well. The defensive line stepped it up too, when they needed it. Go Big Blue. I think I will make this post blue in their honor!

December 17, 2005

In two hours, they'll be transferring some of my little baseball team back into my uterus. I'm excited. I'm anxious. I wonder if any embryos not put back will make it to freezing. More than anything though - I am so hopeful that this works.

December 15, 2005

The retrieval went better than expected yesterday. Way better. I went in expecting them to retrieve 4 to 6 eggs. When I woke up from the anesthesia and asked the nurse "how many" I guess I was still a bit groggy. I saw her hold up 6 fingers. I missed the first 10. They got 16 eggs! Like I said - way better than expected. The RE thought that some might be immature. Only 2 were immature. Out of the other 14, 9 fertilized. I've got my own baseball team!! I am very pleased with the results! Hopefully they will continue to divide and we'll have a bunch of good eggs to put back in on Saturday. I didn't say anything silly this time - that I know about anyway. Well - except for when the RE told me they got 16 eggs and I said "No bleepin way" except I didn't really say bleepin. The nurse did tell me that as they finished up with the retrieval, they were talking about how some patient told the RE that he looked like Richard Gere. They were going back and forth about it. Apparently, as they wheeled me out, I woke up, said "Richard Gere, I don't think so" and then went back out. I have no memory of that.

Now a drug update. No more shots in the belly. For the next several days, I take an antibiotic twice a day and a steroid once a day. I will stop those after the transfer. Then there's the fun stuff. I take prometrium pills in the evening. They put me to sleep. In the morning, I have to take a progesterone shot. It gets done with a "big ass" needle - literally. The shot goes in your butt. It's an intramuscular shot. You should see this thing! Most women have their husband or partner do it. Due to my husband's schedule, I have to do them myself half the time. He gets the left butt cheek, I get the right. It's not easy. I have to stand in front of a mirror and kind of contort myself. I'm always anxious as I go to do it - but I get it done. The shot itself really doesn't hurt. I ice the area before hand. A day later though, it is sore - like I worked out too much.

This whole thing has really cut into my Christmas shopping time. I won't be able to do anything this weekend - I'll be on bedrest. I really want to try to take it easy next week - no flying to Chicago this time! But that also, for me, means that I don't want to be out doing a boatload of Christmas shopping. I'm trying to do most of it over the internet. We will have to do some in person, but I think I can limit that. I want to give the little guys their best shot at sticking.