Saturday, March 31, 2007

1 step forward 2 steps back

I went to a funeral for a former co-worker on Friday. He also happened to be the father of some women I went through grammar school and high school with. I was doing a bit better mentally. I think it helped that I was going to be on my turf, in the presence of co-workers. The funeral was in my hometown, at my old church, old friends of mine and my parents would be there. So - after the funeral, I go to greet my father's best friend. His wife (my 3rd grade teacher) sees me first says "It is you! He said there was someone here who looked like you." Then he says to me "How's your baby?" Kick me in the gut. He thought that the last time he saw me I was holding a baby. I was just a little stunned. What could I say? "My baby's dead. Never even made it to being born"? Nope - just kind of stammered out a "no baby, got a dog though" answer. So then - back to work - dealing, go home, send what I think is a funny e-mail to my boss and a couple of other people, have pizza with A. Life goes on - right? This morning, I check my work e-mail. Well - one of the people I sent the funny e-mail too wasn't who I thought it was. It was a friend of my boss. I don't think she was mad - but she really didn't need to hear about the board member who picked his nose at our meeting and my wondering if it was caught on TV. So there went a pin in my little balloon of self-confidence. Tomorrow will be a better day. I'm depending on it.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

And then a little sunshine all my own

A. leaves me a message to call him. He's going to stop by the office and drop something off for me. He was at the mall. Went by the Ann Taylor Loft store. He bought me a skirt, twinset and shoes. He was just thinking of me, that I had been working a lot and maybe needed something new. A little sunshine in the day just for me.

From the outside looking in....

Ever feel that you are on the outside looking in all the time? I do. I think I've been that way most of my life. I've never been the favorite child, the popular kid in school, the person people want to be best friends with. I'm liked, I'm loved, but I've never been special - except to A. I sure hope I'm special to him. I'm feeling like I'm on the outside a lot lately. I don't have any real close friends. I have friends - but no one to whom I could turn and cry my heart out too - and worse - no one who would want to turn to me and cry their heart out. The women to whom I was closest kind of went to someone else in a friendship divorce. (You have to go back to last March when I found out my alleged friend was going around telling people about my miscarriage.) So - I have friends, but they always have someone else to whom they are closer. I have a decent figure, but I could be and want to be thinner. I have nice clothes, but I am not the snappiest dresser. I can't have kids - so I can't ever even be a cool mom. Not having kids makes it hard too - there are not many women my age that I know that don't have kids. I'm just kind of blah - the middle aged, middle of the road, middle child. Nothing special. On the outside looking in.