Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Still here

I had a blog post kind of written in my head about our trip this past weekend, but decided to wait a day or two for that. Instead, I'm going to post about it just being an ordinary day yesterday. I should have a four year old running around, maybe starting pre-K. But I don't. My due date was 4 years ago yesterday. I didn't think about it until today. We had a busy day yesterday, doing yard work and unpacking from our trip to Michigan. But it wasn't even a case of being too busy to dwell on it. I didn't think about it at all. I don't know how I feel about it. Time hasn't healed the wound - it never will - but the pain isn't as raw and as immediate anymore. I'm getting used to life as it is. Sometimes, I wish that the pain was closer to the surface. Is that weird? I remember feeling the same way as time passed after my father died. In some ways, I thought that feeling more pain would bring him closer to me. In the same way, I'm feeling sad that the pain over losing my baby has faded.

5 comments:

Erin said...

{{HUGS}}

Aims said...

Such a confusing way to feel. xoxo

loribeth said...

Sometimes I get through days like today & it's not as bad as I thought it would be. Other times the grief jumps up & bites me in the you-know-where when I'm least expecting it. I'm glad today was easier than you thought it might be. (((hugs)))

Brenna said...

I've actually heard this very thing somewhere. It's nice that you can point to the feeling, even though it seems so mixed up. I'm positive it's less uncommon than it might seem. Hugs to you.

dinap said...

Just reading this now, am thinking of you. Totally makes sense how it can sneak up on you at the strangest times...or doesn't, even when it seems like it should. Thanks for sharing, I'm coming up on a due date in a couple of weeks and not sure how it will affect me.