I'm too old for this....almost

I played softball last night. I used to play for our work team. I'm not that good. I played as a young girl, but never in my teen years. Then as an adult, I played for work teams from time to time. I do not have a strong throwing arm. I think if I worked on it, that would improve. I need to work on my hitting too. This year, after a couple of years off, I said I would play for one of the volunteer fire houses in town. I really like this bunch of people. They are fun to play with. None of them take it too seriously - unlike my own work team did in the past. We win or we lose - but we have fun doing it. So - despite my advancing age and creaking body, I will play with them again next season if they need a girl. (They have to have 3 girls on the field in a game.) Last night was a particularly fun game. We played Jet Blue. If you remember their funny ads from a few years ago - think about that attitude trickling down throughout the corporation. These people were fun. They didn't even get upset when one of our players fouled a ball off and it knocked over one of their beers! Talk about cool people! I am a little achy this morning. Okay - a lot achy. I've long had problems with my achilles tendons. The left one is bad this morning. I even stretched before the game. Oh well. I need to get into something like yoga - try to get this body more flexible. I'm sure A would enjoy that too!

A few pictures to brighten my blog

Some of the Boom Doggie, some flowers

Thoughts on living infertile in a family world

There was a little bit of a "to do" on one of my message boards this week. Someone wanted to organize a "mom's get together" and used the board to do it. This did not sit well with everyone. The original poster did not mean to be hurtful, but she was. That kind of thing happens a lot in the world - people don't mean to be hurtful, but they are. Often it's from just not thinking. Sometimes it's because they don't realize that they should be thinking. Which raises some questions for me. How far should we go to not be hurtful? When does it become ridiculous to be tip-toeing around someone's feelings and when can we take reasonable actions to be considerate? I think that years ago, infertility was just something you didn't talk about - like cancer. I've read that many people don't really know what the history of cancer is in their family because years ago, the word wasn't said. Today, knowing how important family history is and with medical advances to treat cancer, it's much more talked about. Maybe infertility is more talked about now because it can be treated in some cases.

I don't think society has really figured out how to deal with those of us who are infertile. The world is geared towards families. Parenthood is celebrated. We have holidays for parents! It always seem so much more horrible when tragedy befalls a parent. It can be very hard to live in a world designed for families. You can begin to feel like you have no place in the world. One of the questions most asked when you meet someone for the first time is "Do you have kids?" and when you say no - a lot of people don't know what to do with you! You get the nosy ones who probe as to why, there are the ones who can't think of another question to ask, there are those who offer you their kids (never a good thing to do) and of course there are the terrific people who move on to another topic or respond well to your moving on to another topic.

Infertility is so painful and so personal. You may never know that your co-worker, neighbor, friend or relative is suffering from infertility. If you don't know, how do you avoid hurting them? By their silence, have they foregone the right to sensitivity? I think that with a little common sense, a moment of thinking - you can sometimes avoid hurting someone who is silently suffering. Just some examples to show what I mean:

1. If you or your wife just had a baby, only send out pictures of that baby to people who have requested them. I had a co-worker who sent me pictures of his new baby twice - once the pictures were specifically directed to me. I had never asked for them, never even talked to him about his wife's pregnancy - yet he sent me pictures of his brand new baby a couple of days after she was born. It devastated me. My baby had been due that same week. He could have saved me a lot of pain. I'm sure that in his joy, he never considered that there was anyone who wouldn't want to see the pictures.
2. If you ask someone "do you have kids" and they say no - Leave it at that. Move on. There is nothing wrong with that. If the person wants to talk about it - volunteer further details, they will.

If you know someone who is open about their infertility, be supportive - but don't be stupid. Offering your tales of your friends who tried for months, then went on vacation and got pregnant does not help. Talking about that celebrity who just had twins at age 48 doesn't help. Someone undergoing infertility treatment knows darn well that said celebrity used donor eggs and IVF. "Just relax" "eat pineapple" "elevate your hips after sex" "pray" - trust me - they've probably not only tried all that, but have done more. Do not ever suggest that it is God's will. It's no more God's will that your friend can't get pregnant than it is God's will that a crack addict can produce baby after baby and neglect them. What you need to do is offer an ear - and mean it. Offer a shoulder to cry on. Understand that the treatment is taxing - the number of doctor's visits, having blood drawn every other day, getting ultrasounds every other day, the cost, the emotional ups and downs from hormones and expectations. Pay attention to your friend's reaction to news or activities that involve children. Some may want to be isolated, some may not.
Like I said before, it's really hard to be infertile in a world designed for families. I think as years go by and people learn more about it, it will become easier.

A no-picture post

It's Friday. I'm beat. My beloved has been away all week at a Firehouse Expo in Baltimore. He's having fun. I'm walking the dog, working my butt off and then walking the dog again. Work is so busy, I've been bringing stuff home. I had visions of doing a bit of a diet while A. was away - but I haven't been too good about it. Tonight, I plan to go home, drink wine and eat pizza. I may sit on the porch and read too. I have a South Beach pizza in the freezer, but I think I'll go out and get one from our favorite pizza place. And I think that I will be horribly selfish and get onions on it too. That's selfish because A. does not like onions, so that means all the leftovers will be mine! He's due home tomorrow night, so there may not be any left by then anyway. I got a bunch of books from Amazon today. Two are the kind that you are supposed to read to be well read - Rebecca and A Tree Grows in Brooklyn - the others are more like beach reads. I have to finish the book I'm reading now first though The Bourne Ultimatum. It has become a "can't put down" read for me. One of the books I got is about infertility and how it impacts a marriage. I think it's fiction. I've been told it does not have a stereotypical "she relaxed and got pregnant" ending. I wouldn't read it otherwise.

Back to real life - my boss is leaving in two months - going to another town. People have asked if I am interested in his job. I don't think I am - which says to me that I should not do it. I am concerned about the politics that you get hit with at his level. I'm much safer - more insulated where I am. I'm also not convinced that I am ready for his job. I wanted another 5 years, during which I could learn, take some courses in areas where I feel I have a weakness and get myself ready. The other thing is - I don't think they would pay me what they are paying him. His current salary is about 20% more than what I make. I think that max, they would give me about 10% more than what I am getting now. I don't think that would be sufficient compensation for the increased responsibility, hours and aggravation. And as A. said - what happens if I don't like it - I can't exactly go back and positions in my current field don't open up everyday. I'm limited in where I can work by where we have to live - so - all things considered, I'll likely stay right where I am.

So A. has been gone for a week. The last time he was away from me (as opposed to me being away from him) for this length of time was when he went to New Orleans with the FDNY after Katrina. That was when I started this blog! I'll have to go back and read it from the start - see what kind of progress I have made!

drive by post

Just a quick post to show off some of my flowers. The yellow dahlia is a dinner plate dahlia. It's at least 7 inches across! I like the lilies too. I didn't plant them. They are an unusual color. The hydrangeas are from the same bush as the purple one - go figure.

thinking about gardens

I'm enjoying my lunch hour, reading about perennials. I want to plan my gardens. I want color from spring to fall. I want a variety of colors, heights, bloom size. I think that, although the dahlias promise to be lovely, that I don't want to have to pull bulbs for the winter. I want to add some annuals, but not a lot. Weeding is work enough - who wants to plant all summer too.

I need to learn about my rose bushes - how to prune, what to feed them, how to move them - all sorts of stuff. I want to learn about hydrangeas too. Mainly right now I want to figure out how to dry the blooms, not grow them. So - off I go to do research. In the meantime, for your viewing pleasure, some pictures of plants from my garden and one of the Boom Doggie. BTW - these were taken with my Palm Treo - so please excuse the quality.

Back from the Cape

I tried blogging on my Treo from the Cape. That didn't work out too well. I was not having too good a day. My mother was at a baby shower. There seems to be an explosion of pregnancies in our Cape neighborhood. It was hard watching my mother knit a baby blanket for someone else. I thought about how I should be there with my 10 month old baby, not a dog. But - that is my life. My dog is cute. So - here are some pictures from the Cape.

catching up

It's been a busy spring. Boomer's been in school, we've been to California and we've done a lot of work on the gardens. So - time to catch up with some photos. I'm learning some lessons in gardening. One is that I have no eye for how much mulch to buy! Another is to read up on flowers before planting. A co-worker grows dinner plate dahlias and I always thought they were lovely. So - I bought some bulbs and planted them. I had no idea how high they would grow, nor did I know I would have to pull the bulbs each winter and replant them each spring. Those suckers better be pretty! You can kind of see that I have staked them.

These next ones are balloon flowers - they look pretty. They are perennials. I like that idea.

My hydrangea! We didn't plant it, but we resurrected it! When we started out in the yard this spring, it looked kind of sad. I wish I had a before picture. We had pachysandra growing all around it. (Did I spell that right?) I don't like that stuff much. So - one Saturday was just pulling that crap out. It has done wonders for the hydrangea. Apparently the pachysandra would suck up all the water. I've been working on it, trying to encourage a more blue color - but I have to say, I'm liking the color we are getting.

Two owners ago, they had a lot of rose bushes. Some survived the people we bought the house from. This one here had about 9 or 10 buds on it this week! We plan to transplant it in the fall - move it to a better location. We have a several red bushes, two white, one yellow, one pink and one we don't know yet because it hasn't bloomed - but there is a bud. They are so fragrant. I have taught the dog to smell the flowers!!

And of course - there's the boom doggie and other stuff we did to the house. We built a second railing for the back steps. We painted the steps and the front porch grey, with the facing white. We also got some fake wicker furniture for the front porch. I love to sit out there, as does Boomer.

How I spent my weekend...

So - we had a little Nor'easter. We had a minor flood in the basement. Water was pouring through a hold in the foundation at one point. I had visions of being up all night to keep up with the water. Thankfully it slowed down and we got to sleep. These are pictures of what the yard looked like. It got worse later. And throught it all - the dog refused to go out and poop. We could get him to go pee, but he simply refused to poop. What was up with that!

The end is in sight - for this year anyway

Tonight is my last budget meeting for the year. I can't wait for it to be over. It's a loooooong process for me. We start working on the budget in December. Board meetings usually start the end of January and run through mid-April. So - I'm out at meetings at least twice a week. The first month or so is not as bad. We start reasonably early and end reasonably early. But then the second board starts meeting and they start later and end later. It's very hard to go to sleep when I've been on alert, working, focusing until 10:45 or so and then I go home and I'm still wound up. One good thing about board #2 - they won't go past 11 pm for their meetings because they don't want to pay the custodian overtime! So - anyway - tonight's the last night. Usually it's just a formality. The numbers were pretty much laid out Monday night - but - there are rumblings. One board member - who is mad he got booted as Chairman - wants to change the numbers. This could be the most interesting meeting of the whole process! But starting tomorrow, my life can get back to normal - to one meeting a month, instead of 2 or 3 a week.

just random thoughts

The Boom Doggie was a pain in the you know what last night. He was in bed with A. when I got home from work around 10:15. Didn't want to go to sleep after that. Got up again around 2:30. GRRRR - but so cute. How could you not love this cuteness? At 2:30 am - it's easy!It's raining. Andy Pettite's return will be rained out probably. I'm glad baseball is back.

Tennessee beat Rutgers for the women's NCAA. I don't think I've ever rooted for Tennessee before, but I did last night.

The budget season is almost over - thank God! Certain members of the board are so annoying. I think I have survived this year better than the last few because I go home and take a dinner break before the meeting. In year's past, I would just stay right through and be so tired. Not anymore. Not worth it.

More Boomie - just because. My pet needs pants.

1 step forward 2 steps back

I went to a funeral for a former co-worker on Friday. He also happened to be the father of some women I went through grammar school and high school with. I was doing a bit better mentally. I think it helped that I was going to be on my turf, in the presence of co-workers. The funeral was in my hometown, at my old church, old friends of mine and my parents would be there. So - after the funeral, I go to greet my father's best friend. His wife (my 3rd grade teacher) sees me first says "It is you! He said there was someone here who looked like you." Then he says to me "How's your baby?" Kick me in the gut. He thought that the last time he saw me I was holding a baby. I was just a little stunned. What could I say? "My baby's dead. Never even made it to being born"? Nope - just kind of stammered out a "no baby, got a dog though" answer. So then - back to work - dealing, go home, send what I think is a funny e-mail to my boss and a couple of other people, have pizza with A. Life goes on - right? This morning, I check my work e-mail. Well - one of the people I sent the funny e-mail too wasn't who I thought it was. It was a friend of my boss. I don't think she was mad - but she really didn't need to hear about the board member who picked his nose at our meeting and my wondering if it was caught on TV. So there went a pin in my little balloon of self-confidence. Tomorrow will be a better day. I'm depending on it.

And then a little sunshine all my own

A. leaves me a message to call him. He's going to stop by the office and drop something off for me. He was at the mall. Went by the Ann Taylor Loft store. He bought me a skirt, twinset and shoes. He was just thinking of me, that I had been working a lot and maybe needed something new. A little sunshine in the day just for me.

From the outside looking in....

Ever feel that you are on the outside looking in all the time? I do. I think I've been that way most of my life. I've never been the favorite child, the popular kid in school, the person people want to be best friends with. I'm liked, I'm loved, but I've never been special - except to A. I sure hope I'm special to him. I'm feeling like I'm on the outside a lot lately. I don't have any real close friends. I have friends - but no one to whom I could turn and cry my heart out too - and worse - no one who would want to turn to me and cry their heart out. The women to whom I was closest kind of went to someone else in a friendship divorce. (You have to go back to last March when I found out my alleged friend was going around telling people about my miscarriage.) So - I have friends, but they always have someone else to whom they are closer. I have a decent figure, but I could be and want to be thinner. I have nice clothes, but I am not the snappiest dresser. I can't have kids - so I can't ever even be a cool mom. Not having kids makes it hard too - there are not many women my age that I know that don't have kids. I'm just kind of blah - the middle aged, middle of the road, middle child. Nothing special. On the outside looking in.

The start of a new year

Yeah - okay - I know that the new year started several weeks ago, but for me, it started yesterday. Sunday was the one year anniversary of my miscarriage. I had a not so good weekend, but better than I expected. I don't think the dog knows what to make of people crying, but he did his best to be my buddy. I kept myself busy with household chores, watched old movies and ate whatever I wanted. One thing I wanted was ice cream cake and whipped cream.

So yesterday started my new year. I am back on the South Beach diet. I want to lose 10 pounds. 15 would be great. I want to be healthier. Walking the dog helps. I usually get out to walk him at least once per day, often times it's twice. When I get the DVD player hooked up again, I will start up with pilates again. I may even get a new one. I want to focus more energy on what I can control and let go of that which I can not. Tough order, but doable I think.

Jail Break!

When A and I are both working or otherwise out of the house, we crate Boomer. He's lately gotten clever and learned how to move his crate. I came home one day to find it several feet to the left of where it had been placed. The next day, while A was out he also moved it forward. Then there was Thursday. I come home, open the door, go into the dining room to find....an empty crate. I start calling for the dog and running around the house. I found him at the top of the stairs (2nd floor) laying there, looking like he knew he had been bad. Luckily, there were no puddles, no destruction of any sort. Unbelievably, he had managed to pop open one of the doors to the crate. So - A and I decide to give it a shot and start leaving him out of the crate. Fast Forward to Saturday afternoon. I take him out to do his business before I have to leave for a couple of hours. He will not pee. So - I'm not comfortable leaving him in the house not having peed, so I crate him. Two hours later, I come home - not only is the crate empty, but it's on it's side. Guess he was really pissed! He had only managed to pop one of the latches. I can't believe he squeezed himself out through such a small space. This time, he hung out all the way up on the third floor - again with the guilty look. Looks like the crate is history. I'm wondering if putting the crate on its side was a bit of revenge for what I made him wear on Saturday morning to take his walk. Mind you - it was cold and we had had snow, so I was worried about ice control products being on the sidewalk.

We really didn't want purple booties - but they are color coded by size. Poor Boomer!

The Boom Doggie

For the longest time, A would say to me "I want a puppy." My response was always "when we get a house." Well, we got the house this summer. So - the puppy was soon to follow. A really wanted a lab. He had the breeder picked out and was researching the bloodlines, trying to decide on a litter. Then, one of my employees told me about a lab that was a Katrina rescue and was at a shelter nearby. So - I tell A, he goes online to look at the dog, decides he likes this dalmation they have better (must be a fireman thing). So, we go visit. The dalmation is very hard for me to handle on the leash, but we talk to the shelter people about adopting him. Then A sees this cute little mutt (sorry Boomer) in a pen nearby. They bring him out to meet us. He's very sweet, very easy to walk on the leash and affectionate. They told us he was about 2 years old. We didn't take him home right away because we were going to be leaving town for 4 days in a week and didn't think it would be fair to bring him home and then desert him right away. So - we get back from our trip and go pick up our dog. He is named Boomer after the former Yankees pitcher David "Boomer" Wells. He is an American Bulldog/Pit Bull mix - and we think some other things thrown in there too. Turns out he was only about 10 months old when we adopted him - so still a puppy - and you can tell! He's such a love bug! He would lick your face off if he could and he loves to snuggle with us. If A and I try to hug and kiss in his presence, well, he just gets his little body right in there. He's a very smart little boy. He has learned to sit at intersections before crossing on his walk. He knows where all the other doggies live on his walking path - and cries when they are not out to say hello. His big negative? He thinks that squirrels are evil beasts and he must chase them. He loves stuffed animals - so much fun to rip them open and take out their innards! He chews through rope bones too. We are hoping that as he gets older, that will pass. But - better the stuffed animals and rope bones than our shoes or furniture! He is good about getting on the furniture, except for our bed. Right now, we are trying to break him of the idea that he can sneak up in bed with us at 4 am! Anyway - he's such a sweetie. We love our Boom Doggie.

Happy New Year

It's been a while - I hope to post some dog pictures and house pictures soon. For now - just a couple.

More pictures

We finally got the "big" computer hooked up, so I've been able to upload pictures again. These are some before and after pictures of the yard. There are a lot of Rose of Sharon bushes - or trees - and several regular rose bushes. There are lilies of some sort and one of the neighbors said there are daffodils. Then there were the weeds. We've gotten them out best as we can, but I know we need to do more. I'll be planting some bulbs soon - tulips and maybe crocuses and daffodils. A is trying to get the grass going in the front. It's a challenge! So - the first two are before....



and then a few after.....

We're in!

We moved in two weeks ago. We're still unpacking! And that doesn't take into account the stuff in storage. I'll have to take some more pictures - but I really wanted to wait until we had everything organized. Last weekend was just so much fun - Ernesto turned out the lights. Tropical Storm Ernesto cause major outages in our area. A was off at a funeral on Long Island for the FDNY Lieutenant killed in a fire earlier that week. We didn't get the power back on until late Tuesday afternoon. Not fun people! It didn't help me that A was working much of that time. And my mood was not too good as this past week was my due date for the baby I lost in January. That weighed heavily on me all week. I'm doing better with that now.

We really like our neighborhood. The people we have met are all very nice. There are a decent number of young - 5-9 yrs old - kids in the neighborhood. The street is quiet enough that they can play in the street. The other night, they were playing football across our front lawn and the neighbors. A & I sat on the front porch eating our dinner and watching the kids. We do have to get the dining room all set up so that we can eat like normal people at a table! We still have other work to do in the house, like painting trim, but we're getting there. The first time A showered, the tub took forever to drain. I had known from the house inspection that it was slow - but didn't know it was that slow. We tried all sorts of uncloggers - nothing was working. Then we thought that the stopper was stuck in the closed position. Plunging seemed to help get the water down faster, but wasn't solving anything. Then - don't know what I did - but one morning I was plunging away and the water started moving down faster. I fixed it. Don't know how - but it's fixed. I am scared to flip the stopper on for fear that will cause a problem again. I intend to buy one of those plastic stoppers. They are not the best - but they work. I think that I'm going to compile a list of "things to be done" and keep track here - see how fast we knock things off the list!