Wednesday, October 24, 2007
What to call it?
What do you call it when someone else has good news and you don't hate them for it - but you are so jealous because you want what they have that you can't feel happy for them? I felt like I was at such a turning point in my recovery from my 2nd miscarriage when a year or so ago, a friend told me she was pregnant and I was happy for her. Lately, the pregnancy announcements just keep coming. There are several women I know struggling with infertility, but the last two announcements just have really gotten me down. I think it's partly because lately, it's women who are approaching 40 or are already there and/or have struggled to get pregnant. Basically - they are where I'm at - but now I'm feeling more alone. It's so much so that I think I need to take a break. I can't deal with the announcements much more. The odds of me ever becoming pregnant without the use of donor eggs - an expense we can not afford - are miniscule. Adoption isn't much of a shot either because of the cost - we just can't afford it and A is unwilling to accept financial assistance from a family member. So, I've got to adjust myself to life without children. Sometimes I think I am doing so well. I lavish all that love a child would get on a stupid dog. I try to think about what we can buy, how we can travel, etc if we don't have kids. Then I see a baby or a baby picture and I know I have not reached acceptance. I don't know if I ever will. That scares me.