Better than one step forward, two steps back - right? I go along, thinking I'm dealing with the whole childless thing pretty well, then WHAM. It hits me and there I am alone in the bathroom crying. My BIL and SIL had their second child yesterday. This would be the pregnancy that was announced on their blog - the blindside last Christmas. I thought I was doing well, but just seeing the pictures last night and reading the comments (love the era of smartphones and text messages) made me cry. I am happy for my BIL & SIL, but I'm sad for me. I'm sad for A. We will never have that joy. It's one of the few things in life that I've ever really, really, really wanted. And I can't have it. Yeah, I wanted a four bedroom house with an in-ground pool, a bar room and a two-car garage and I can't have that either, but it's just not the same. It's not the primal, deep in your soul longing.
And, on the heels of this, related to this is a dilemma I may soon be facing. A has mentioned wanting to go visit his brother after the baby is born. We'll deliver gifts to both kids. (Go back a couple of Fridays and see the blocks for the blanket I'm knitting the baby.) My problem with that is that A has been reluctant or can't find the time to go with me to visit my mother on the Cape. I don't think it's fair that he won't go see my family, yet I'm expected to go see his. And, quite frankly, I'm hurt by his reluctance to go the the Cape to see my mother. And while my mother will never be pushy and nag us like his mother did over having two Christmas celebrations last year, my mother does drop the occasional "Gee, I haven't seen A since..." That makes me feel like shit. I feel like I have to make excuses for him. Yeah, there was that one time we were on the Cape, when he had gotten somebody to switch tours with him and his firehouse was involved in the Deutsche Bank fire. They pulled out the two guys who were killed. It was scary and upsetting while he tried to find out if it was someone from his company that got killed. And he felt bad that he had asked someone to switch with him - but that's what they do all the time. And yes, every guy that agrees to swap takes a risk that he will be injured or killed while working the other guy's tour - but they are both taking that risk. It's not reason to avoid going to visit my mother. So, I'm going to have to deal with this. It will be uncomfortable, but right now, I think that when we next discuss him going to the Cape with me for a few days, I'm going to lay it on the line. If he doesn't go to the Cape, I'm not going to Maine. He's free to go and visit without me. My family deserves equal treatment to his.