Wednesday, November 28, 2007

The Child Inside

It's still there - I'm still part child. This year I celebrated yet another anniversary of my 39th birthday, but I haven't completely grown up yet. I still want to know what my Christmas presents are before Christmas. I want to be invited to all of the parties and I'm sad and feeling left out when I am not. I hate to lose. I love to win. I get scared of new things, noises in the night and the unknown. I've learned to mask these things - but they are there. I didn't get invited to this one Christmas party this year and I am really disappointed and hurt. It's a business thing. I have to think that the reason I was not invited is that I am not a client of the host. I can understand that - but it still hurts. It's always a fun party and a bunch of my friends go. I've never been a client of this guy and he always invites me - so why not this year. I wonder too - I have a chance to become a kind of important person in our professional world next year - and I wonder - will I get invited then? Then will I be mad because I clearly got invited more because I'm now kind of important and they want to be able to say I was there? That would hurt too.

Being an adult is not so bad. I've got a lot going on at work right now - and will continue to have a lot going on right up through mid-April. It's stressful. I'm doing double duty - my job and my boss's. The new boss starts in about 6 weeks - but that's right when budget starts and that goes on until April. Sometimes I feel like there just aren't enough hours in the day, days in the week to do it all - and I worry that there are things that maybe I should be doing, but I'm not aware of them and how do I address that because I really want to be doing a good job at this. Especially now that I'm getting paid extra to do it. Not a lot extra, so I don't feel like I have to actually do all aspects of both jobs to earn the dollars - but still, I want to do a good job. Monday, at one point, I thought my head might explode. I just needed to quiet - nothing running through my brain for a few minutes to stop it - kind of like taking boiling water off the burner for a bit. Anyway - I can handle it - and it's good to know that I can - but I'll be glad when the end of April rolls around. I think I need to plan for a little time off then. That's when the child inside can go play!

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