Monday, June 30, 2008

A scene to make me cry

We went to a wedding yesterday. A's cousin got married and A was the best man. When it came time for the wedding party to dance, the Matron of Honor was holding her 3 year old son, the ring bearer. He did not want to go to his father, she and A danced while she held her son. They made such a beautiful picture, the 3 of them. A was chatting with the little boy. I just wanted to cry. That's the picture I wanted - but with me holding the baby. Looking at them, I thought - have I deprived A of that possibility in his life? That's kind of silly since he always professed not to want kids, but I still thought it. He would make such a wonderful father though. It is still a possibility if we can get the money to adopt. But - I've had concerns lately about that. I don't know if I'm past the point where I can be unselfish enough to be a parent. Would I have the energy to be a parent? Do I want to be 65 and have a child still in college? I feel so cheated sometimes - that A and I did not meet earlier. I see people who have kids who abuse them or kill them and wonder why people like A & I can not have them. I know - nobody ever said life was fair - but last night - looking at the 3 of them dancing - I just could have cried at the unfairness of it all

1 comment:

Aims said...

It's amazing where these moments pop up, isn't it? Not easy decisions and feelings before you... thinking good thoughts for you guys.