Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I wish it were tomorrow already

This day started out with some promise.  A worked last night, but he was supposed to be home tonight.  I was looking forward to that.  He's now paying back a tour he owed.  Part of life.  Not so bad.  He has to work Saturday, so he'll be missing the final UCONN home game.  I'm going to go.  Friends sit right in front of us, so it's not like I'll be alone. But still - that's where the day started turning.
So, I go for my annual ob/gyn visit.  The receptionist was a little unhelpful.  She tells me if nothing has changed on my information sheet, to initial and date at the bottom under my signature.  Well - two signatures, one for release of information to insurers and one for something else.  I ask - which one do I have to initial.  She just repeats "initial and date under your signature" me "but there are two, which one do I need to initial"  again she just repeats "initial and date under your signature" me "but there are two" her "it doesn't matter" okay fine.  Bitch. Then I wait.  and wait. and wait.  My appointment was for 10:40.  I know never to expect the doctor to be on time, but still - didn't get taken in the back for the mammogram until after 11.  Finally see the doctor at 11:40.  One hour after my scheduled appointment.  Oh wait.  He was up in Labor & Delivery.  I need to find a Gyn who doesn't do OB.
Okay - I'm out of there, heading to pick up my car.  (They do valet parking.) As I'm approaching the door, people come out of the elevator, one lady - looked like a drug sales lady - and a mom, dad & brand new baby.  The sales lady preceded me out the door, so when the valet arrived and asked who was next - I pointed to her.  New dad has now come out and is clearly going to attempt to jump the line.  I make sure he doesn't by quickly handing my ticket to the valet.  But, wait.  New dad is important, me not so much in new dad's mine.  As the valet is starting to go get my car - new dad shoves his ticket at the valet and says "my car is right here".  Okay - logic says yeah, won't take long to take care of new day - but  FUCK that.  I was here first.  Yeah well, I'm not important.  I'm not a new parent.  Even though my forehead is not stamped "INFERTILE" it felt like one of those times where I'm made to feel less worthy since I am not a parent.  New dad kind of tried to make a sort of apology "I thought it would be easy my car is right here" I just stared right through him.  Mother fucker.
So, I'm not a happy camper.  Get in my car and really, just want to cry.  I want something to make me feel better.  Getting back to work, I stop by the vending machine hoping for some sympathetic chocolate bar to be calling my name.  Nothing spoke to me.
So, now I'm back at my desk, plotting what I can get on my way home that will be "feel good" food.  And I'm thinking about Thanksgiving.  It's not the dinner that I"m worried about - it's when the discussion of "no two Christmases" comes up.  A thinks his mother gets it, which I'll believe when I see it.  The problem now seems to be his brother.  He wants us to come have dinner at their parents sometime while he's up over Christmas.  Um hello.  You are going to see us at Thanksgiving.  You go months without seeing us during the year and now you have to see us twice within a month?  I'm not having it.  And you're telling me that this is not a second Christmas celebration?  I'm really not having it.  I'll be driving back from the Cape on Christmas Day.  I am not getting back in a car to drive 2 hours back towards the Cape the day after - and then home again.  And I'm certainly not doing it on a week night after work.  No two Christmases means just that.  Some years we won't be able to see one family or the other for Christmas or Thanksgiving.  That's life.  I recognize that as my mother ages, she's less willing to make the trip from the Cape to our home for a holiday.  So some years, I won't see her and/or my sisters for one or the other holiday.  My mother gets it.  I get it.  This is not the first Thanksgiving where I have not been with my family.  I don't think that I've had a Christmas where I didn't at least see my mother - but I know it's coming.  I guess what pisses me off about the whole thing is the selfishness of it.  Two years ago we were spending Christmas with my family.  A's family (read his mom) had to have some kind of  Christmas gathering with everyone together, so they told us they would come to our house Christmas Day before we went to my cousin's home.  Note that I said told, not asked or suggested.  We weren't given the option.  We agreed, said that they needed to be there by a certain time because we would need to leave by a certain time.  Well, they showed up an hour late and then lingered, to the point where we had to say "we need to leave."  Pissed me off.  And now, I'm a little stressed about our edict of "no two Christmases" this year.  I could be borrowing trouble where there is none.  I've done it before.  BIL may drop it, but I'm not counting on it.
So, anyway.  I'm thinking some pizza - and not weight watchers.  Some kind of cake - maybe those little yellow cupcakes with yummy frosting.  And wine.  That could very well be my feel good dinner tonight.  Or - on the healthier side, a nice spinach souffle if I can find a frozen one.  But still the cupcakes and the wine.


Aims said...

I am stressed ready this. I raise a cupcake in your honor, lady!

Anonymous said...

You go spend time with your mom, forget about A's family. My mom died 2 years ago and I have no children and no family in the state where my husband I live. I am basically just a "spectator" at my husband's family's events. No one knows my stories or even cares about my stories because I didn't grow up with them. When my mom died, all my past was lost.

Please spend all the time you can with your mom, because when she's gone a part of you will be gone as well.