Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Vent Post

This is a vent post. I don't usually vent about my husband here - for good reason, he's a really good guy, but today, I just have to do it. He was off today, going in this afternoon for an evening tour. He was off yesterday too. Yesterday he felt sick. This morning, he felt fine. So - what did he do with his day. He got his hair cut. He went to see his friend Pete. Did he mow the lawn? No. He was supposed to do it yesterday - but okay, he was sick. Today - he had time to go see Pete, but not to mow the lawn. What the fuck did he do with the rest of the day? He was up when I left. He didn't walk the dog. He didn't do laundry - hasn't done laundry that wasn't his work laundry in ages. But - oh - he had time to go see Pete. Now - mind you - Pete's not sick or anything - this is just two guys hanging out together. I can't tell you how many times he hasn't done stuff at home, but he's had time to hang out with Pete. So - I'm just a bit annoyed. I work full time too. Sure, my work is not as physically demanding as his, but it seems that in my time off, I have to do the work around the house. I do 90% of it easy. I take out the garbage most times. I put the recycling out. I do the laundry, fold it and put it away. I do the grocery shopping. I wash the dishes and unload the dishwasher. I do the vacuuming. I strip and remake the bed. Several months ago, he said that he was going to make the bathroom his job. He would keep it clean. How many times has he cleaned it since then? NOT ONCE! Even when he went on his cleaning binge while I was at the Cape (the one where he organized my shoes and told me that now I have to keep them that way!) he didn't clean the bathroom. I had done that before I left. In fact, that's what sent him on his binge. I told him that when I came home, I wanted to see the bathroom as clean as it was when I left. That led him to say that he would clean the whole house. Since then - what's he done? Pretty much nothing. Cooked a few dinners. I can't say that I cook all the time - but I think it's fairly even. We actually don't get to eat dinner together most of the time because he's either working a night tour or getting off at 6 pm, which means by the time he showers and gets home, it's 8pm and I've long since eaten. Which leads me to another vent - the other day he told me "this business of having to pick up my dinner on the way home is getting old." So - I guess I need to start cooking him dinner. And what do I get? He tells me I'm sexy. This morning he commented that it had been a few days since we had sex. Hmmmm - I've got an idea here! You want to get laid? Do a load of laundry once in a while. He'll do stuff - if I nag him. I tried just asking him to do 1 or 2 things a day, maybe 3 if they were all small. That worked some times. It really doesn't work for mowing the lawn though - witness today. I'll mow it - but I really don't like doing it. Sometimes it just has to be done because it starts looking skelly. It's a pain in the ass. We have trees and tree stumps. We have a sidewalk in the middle of the front yard. We have a picnic table that has to be moved around. We have a side strip that's not a nice uniform shape. It's a freaking pain. The yard was supposed to be his thing. We were going to have the greatest lawn in the neighborhood because he was really fanatical about it. I used to hear all about the yard he had with his first house and how it was the best in the neighborhood. I'm beginning to think they lived in a pretty skanky neighborhood. But okay - I help with the yard. I do it without his asking. Like the grass he's trying to grow around the tree and the stumps. I put the sprinkler on it for him. Do you think he would think to water my flower gardens or put the sprinkler on them? Not if I don't ask. I'm tired of it. I'm not a perfect housekeeper, but I do it when it needs to get done. Why can't he? Why can't he see that the laundry basket is overflowing and do a load? This is one of my busiest times of the year. I should have been prepping for my audit tonight - not out there mowing the lawn. But hey - he got to visit with Pete. He doesn't seem to realize that he needs to put me and our home first in his life. He needs to make that more of a priority than hanging out with Pete. I need to sit down with him and talk to him about it or I'm going to blow soon. For now though - I've got to go. I've got a load of laundry that needs to be moved to the dryer.


Dina said...

I wish I had some advice for you, but I think this is an age old problem. We had friends over for dinner this weekend, and I did all of the shopping, cooking and cleaning. I gave Kai a list of three simple things to do (vacuum, finish the plumbing work in the bathroom that has sat unfinished for three weeks, and one other thing I can't remember). Somehow this involved going for an hour and a half walk with his friend Matt, going to the grocery store to buy ribs and burgers for lunch for said friend Matt, grilling out and lots of beer drinking before finishing the bathroom around the same time our guests arrived. Then he tells me that I get too stressed out about having people over!

Alacrity said...

That is so aggravating - to have to ask all the time instead of being able to depend on him to contribute. Sounds like you HAVE HAD IT.

I am very lucky to have a husband who does more than his fair share around the house. There are things he doesn't do to my standard, and things that it would never occur to him to do - like anything in the bathroom, but that is OK, because he takes care of things that I cannot do at all, or hate to do.

We did come up with a system that worked for one issue we were having - that he would keep forgetting to do some things that needed doing and I couldn't do. I instituted a Honey-do list on the side of the fridge - and each of us could put down three things per week for the other person. That really helped. I didn't have to remind him and he didn't feel put upon because he could put stuff on my list too.

Good luck.

Me said...

No a$$vice here. But I can empathize. My husband and I have been living together for about 8 years now... we've had this problem since DAY ONE, with a massive crescendo in summer 2008. Of course, the crescendo was only just in my head, in reality things have ALWAYS been the same, I just got tired of letting it go. I realized I'm not going to be the "mommy" for my husband for the rest of my life. Six months later he's doing better, we're doing better, but there is still a ways to go before he's truly sharing equally as he should.