Sunday, August 03, 2008

Order - or not

I like order. Maybe it’s that I’m a Virgo. But – I’m not neat. Maybe that’s because I’m not totally a Virgo – I’m sort of on the cusp – close to it anyway. Back to the point though – I like order. I like rules. It’s just not necessarily how you would expect it and I don’t always apply rules unilaterally. Like – traffic rules - speeding is okay, but I believe that you should stop at stop signs and when doing so, you should stop at the stop line. See what I mean? I like rules – I just don’t necessarily want to apply them all. I also have my own rules. Blankets should be folded a certain way. Long ago, I had a roommate who would fold my afghan wrong. She would fold it inside out. I was constantly refolding it. At work, when we store cancelled checks, I like them neatly stacked, no strays sticking out. When walking up or down the stairs or on the sidewalks, I believe the rules of the road should apply, that is, stay to the right. It fits my sense of order. Things need to make sense to me. I’m a logical person. It’s probably why I like logic puzzles and things like Sudoku so much. They fit my world, my need for order of a sort. It’s also probably why accounting has been a good profession for me and why sales was not.

I think – no, I know – that one of my issues with our infertility is that it is out of order. I did things the right way. A & I are good people. So, why can’t we have kids? It doesn’t fit my sense of order that we can not. If other women can have children past the age of 40, with or without medical assistance, why is it that I can not? There is no logic to it. It does not fit. It doesn’t fit my sense of order that people who abuse their children can have them. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to reconcile it all, given who I am, given my sense of order, given my need for order.

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