On a happier note...

Christmas generally went well.  I understand fully now what a pain it is for my mother and sister to travel to NY/CT for the holidays all the time.  It was nice to be on the Cape for Christmas - beautiful and quiet out there in the winter.  But I was sad to be away from A, who was working.  We had a family dinner Christmas Eve which was really nice.  One of the neighbors who was alone joined us.  The next day - Christmas - the Boom Doggie and I headed back home to NY.  I headed across the street to the neighbors who had invited us for dinner.  A arrived just after we sat down to eat.  It was a fun evening.  Good food and good friends.  The next day - the blizzard.  We survived.  I worked the snow blower!  Yay me!  A did most of the work, but I did help some.  I made bread during the storm - it was the one thing we didn't have in the house.  I had to improvise the recipe a little - but it was yummy - and smelled so good baking.  It was a little oddly shaped, but still enjoyable.  I did not feel the least bit sorry for the jerk neighbors having to shovel themselves out.  After the husband's party the week before where he and his buddies woke me up 4 times between midnight and 4 am, I told A that we were not helping them with any snow removal this year.  Especially since when I said something to said neighbor at 4 am that night, he waved me off like "buzz off".  Well, happy shoveling buddy.    Boomer ventured out into the snow, not realizing how deep it was.  That was funny.  Unfortunately, I failed to get it on film.  At first.  I did get it later - kind of made him go back out - but I screwed up and didn't put the thingie on my camera which helps block the sun.  So, white dog in blinding white snow - doesn't show up so well.  I did get some great pictures of the little boy across the street playing in the snow.  I asked his dad if it was okay for him to do snow angels so I could get a picture.  I didn't want to encourage him if they would get upset at him getting all snowy.  Later in the day, A and I got a call from the good neighbors asking for help to shovel out an older couple down the street.  So, off we went.  It felt good to help someone out - someone who needed it and deserved it.  Now, the Boom Doggie is off in doggie daycare, we'll be off to Arizona for the football game.  The weather will be better than here - but not by much!  No shorts - but that's okay since my legs are pasty, winter white right now.  Hoping for a good game - GO UCONN!

Merry Fucking Christmas or Why I'm Glad We're Not Seeing the In-laws For the Holiday

I got a text from my brother-in-law this morning.  "Make sure to check A*'s blog today."  (A* would be the nephew, their almost two year old.)  I had a bad feeling.  I just had a bad feeling what was going to be on the blog.  They are expecting again.  Merry Fucking Christmas.  Just a freaking reminder of my failure.  Just in time for the holidays.  I know that I will love the niece/nephew to be - but their success is a reminder of my inability to have children.  It's not their fault.  But that doesn't mean I'm not sitting here with tears running down my face as I type this.  And I must add - what an asshole way to tell family that you are expecting another child - an announcement on your fucking blog?  So now, I'm really glad that we insisted on no second Christmas this year.  At least I won't have to deal with it for a while.  I can go to my mother's today for a few days and be safe.
I just wanted children so much and while I'm finding my way to living a happy life without children, I don't think it will ever stop hurting on some level.

Happiness is...

...a Christmas tree.  I had not planned to put up our Christmas tree this year.  We are not hosting the holiday and I thought it was just too much work putting it up and taking it down (mainly taking it down) when we would be the only ones to see it.  I came home from work Tuesday night, and A had put up the tree with just the topper and a single garland - the tree is pre-lit.  It was so pretty, just simple.  And he did it because he loves me.  Am I the luckiest girl in the world or what!

Friday Photos

Today - a collection of outtakes from previous Christmas card shoots - starring Boomer of course.  The last picture is the one going on our cards this year - a nice snow scene.

Happiness is...

...going bowling.  Not ten pin, not duckpin, but BCS FOOTBALL BOWLING!  UCONN won the Big East and is headed to the Fiesta Bowl - and so are we!!  It's a tad expensive - but who knows when we'll be back in a BCS bowl, so we are doing it.  When they won the game Saturday night - on a 52 yard field goal with only 17 seconds left no less - I thought I might pass out from the sheer excitement of the moment.  A was working, so Boomer and I were high-fiving it alone.  I did my part to help the team, wearing what I know consider to be my "lucky away game watching shawl" formerly known as my shetland triangle shawl. 

My attempt at being Miss Manners

I have some ideas on how to be a good guest that I want to share.  Don't you just love it!

• Don't make yourself too much at home.  If eating, ask your host before eating anywhere but the kitchen table or dining room table.  In fact, if there is a kitchen table, ask before eating even at the dining room table.
• Don't change the channel on the TV without asking, even if your host is not in the room.
• Don't be so attached to your electronic devices that they must always be plugged in and at your side.  And for sure, don't leave them plugged in, then abandon them on the seating or eating surfaces.
• Your host should ask to take care of your outer garments, but if they don't, ask where you should put them.  If a dinner is imminent, sure as heck don't leave your coat sitting on the back of one of the chairs at the table.
• If you are an overnight guest, be mindful of the bathroom situation.  If you have your own guest bath - you're cool.  Just keep it clean.  If the bathroom situation is limited, think about timing of your shower, etc.
• If you are an overnight guest, when leaving you should ask what to do with soiled linens or you should remake the bed.  If you removed things from the bed, replace them after remaking it.
• If you are a dinner guest and you offer to bring something, heed your host's instructions on what to bring.  Do not bring food/drink items that you weren't asked to bring and expect them to be served.  This is not to be confused with thoughtfully bringing food or drink items as a hostess gift that are intended to be consumed by your hosts at another time. 
• Do not arrive early.  Arriving on time, in my opinion, includes arriving within 15 minutes of the requested arrival time.  Anything more than 30 minutes late is just plain rude.
• Offer to help clean up.  Expect to be told no - in fact, you should be told no - but offer.
• Don't expect to be given leftovers to take home.  Let the host offer.  Showing up with plastic containers is not advised.
• If your host is falling asleep on the couch, it might be time to leave.  Of course, it's rude of your host to be falling asleep on the couch when guests are still present.

So, those are my thoughts.  Any one want to add to the list?

It's not Friday but...I feel like posting pictures

I've been working on a project since January.  It's an afghan, knit a block at a time.  I'm almost done.  I have 16 blocks done, but I think I want 20 to make it a little bigger.  I've laid out all the completed ones below.  And featured a couple of them.  The last 4 will be relatively simple so that I can finish them fast and get them all sewn together with a border before Christmas.  Some of the blocks are very intricate with cables.  Some are relatively easy.  There is at least one with lace too.  I picked colors that reminded me of the ocean.  Tow of the blocks have ocean themes - a sailboat and a lighthouse.  This will be a gift for my sister, for her beach house.

I wish it were tomorrow already

This day started out with some promise.  A worked last night, but he was supposed to be home tonight.  I was looking forward to that.  He's now paying back a tour he owed.  Part of life.  Not so bad.  He has to work Saturday, so he'll be missing the final UCONN home game.  I'm going to go.  Friends sit right in front of us, so it's not like I'll be alone. But still - that's where the day started turning.
So, I go for my annual ob/gyn visit.  The receptionist was a little unhelpful.  She tells me if nothing has changed on my information sheet, to initial and date at the bottom under my signature.  Well - two signatures, one for release of information to insurers and one for something else.  I ask - which one do I have to initial.  She just repeats "initial and date under your signature" me "but there are two, which one do I need to initial"  again she just repeats "initial and date under your signature" me "but there are two" her "it doesn't matter" okay fine.  Bitch. Then I wait.  and wait. and wait.  My appointment was for 10:40.  I know never to expect the doctor to be on time, but still - didn't get taken in the back for the mammogram until after 11.  Finally see the doctor at 11:40.  One hour after my scheduled appointment.  Oh wait.  He was up in Labor & Delivery.  I need to find a Gyn who doesn't do OB.
Okay - I'm out of there, heading to pick up my car.  (They do valet parking.) As I'm approaching the door, people come out of the elevator, one lady - looked like a drug sales lady - and a mom, dad & brand new baby.  The sales lady preceded me out the door, so when the valet arrived and asked who was next - I pointed to her.  New dad has now come out and is clearly going to attempt to jump the line.  I make sure he doesn't by quickly handing my ticket to the valet.  But, wait.  New dad is important, me not so much in new dad's mine.  As the valet is starting to go get my car - new dad shoves his ticket at the valet and says "my car is right here".  Okay - logic says yeah, won't take long to take care of new day - but  FUCK that.  I was here first.  Yeah well, I'm not important.  I'm not a new parent.  Even though my forehead is not stamped "INFERTILE" it felt like one of those times where I'm made to feel less worthy since I am not a parent.  New dad kind of tried to make a sort of apology "I thought it would be easy my car is right here" I just stared right through him.  Mother fucker.
So, I'm not a happy camper.  Get in my car and really, just want to cry.  I want something to make me feel better.  Getting back to work, I stop by the vending machine hoping for some sympathetic chocolate bar to be calling my name.  Nothing spoke to me.
So, now I'm back at my desk, plotting what I can get on my way home that will be "feel good" food.  And I'm thinking about Thanksgiving.  It's not the dinner that I"m worried about - it's when the discussion of "no two Christmases" comes up.  A thinks his mother gets it, which I'll believe when I see it.  The problem now seems to be his brother.  He wants us to come have dinner at their parents sometime while he's up over Christmas.  Um hello.  You are going to see us at Thanksgiving.  You go months without seeing us during the year and now you have to see us twice within a month?  I'm not having it.  And you're telling me that this is not a second Christmas celebration?  I'm really not having it.  I'll be driving back from the Cape on Christmas Day.  I am not getting back in a car to drive 2 hours back towards the Cape the day after - and then home again.  And I'm certainly not doing it on a week night after work.  No two Christmases means just that.  Some years we won't be able to see one family or the other for Christmas or Thanksgiving.  That's life.  I recognize that as my mother ages, she's less willing to make the trip from the Cape to our home for a holiday.  So some years, I won't see her and/or my sisters for one or the other holiday.  My mother gets it.  I get it.  This is not the first Thanksgiving where I have not been with my family.  I don't think that I've had a Christmas where I didn't at least see my mother - but I know it's coming.  I guess what pisses me off about the whole thing is the selfishness of it.  Two years ago we were spending Christmas with my family.  A's family (read his mom) had to have some kind of  Christmas gathering with everyone together, so they told us they would come to our house Christmas Day before we went to my cousin's home.  Note that I said told, not asked or suggested.  We weren't given the option.  We agreed, said that they needed to be there by a certain time because we would need to leave by a certain time.  Well, they showed up an hour late and then lingered, to the point where we had to say "we need to leave."  Pissed me off.  And now, I'm a little stressed about our edict of "no two Christmases" this year.  I could be borrowing trouble where there is none.  I've done it before.  BIL may drop it, but I'm not counting on it.
So, anyway.  I'm thinking some pizza - and not weight watchers.  Some kind of cake - maybe those little yellow cupcakes with yummy frosting.  And wine.  That could very well be my feel good dinner tonight.  Or - on the healthier side, a nice spinach souffle if I can find a frozen one.  But still the cupcakes and the wine.

Friday Photos

It's been a while since I posted photos!  So - we have a collection here of knitting, nature & Boomer of course.  First off are the things I knitted for my cousin's baby momma's shower - a little hat, booties and a kimono. 

Here we have my UCONN ear flap hat that I knit.  It went to the Pitt game - it's a winner!

A nature shot - just a tree in our neighborhood.

Some shots of Boomer engaging in one of his favorite activities - lazing in the sun.  I wish I had done a better job with these shots - used the camera thingie that prevents the sun from washing out the shot.

 The grass isn't really that high, the yard just slopes down to the garden and he's basically laying in the edge of the garden.

November 18, 1981

Twenty-nine years ago today, my father suffered a heart attack and died.  It's hard to believe that it has been so long.  He was too good to die that young.  At the time, people tried to make sense of it.  They tried to see some positive in how he wouldn't have wanted to see some of the things that happened in our hometown after he passed.  But there are no positives when someone so good dies so young.  I miss you Daddy.  I love you.

Good company, a little wine, it's all good

So, I went to my cousin's baby momma's shower this weekend.  I'm not a big fan of baby showers - aside from them being boring, they can make me mournful as I will never be having one.  This one wasn't so bad, thanks to the company I was in and the wine I drank.  I sat with my sister, our cousin's wife L. and a couple of cousins of our cousin the baby daddy.  We had some really good laughs and some good chocolate.  We had to play this game where they read a clue about babies and you had to pick the candy bar that went with it.  First clue - a baby girl's name.  L's answer "Chunky".  And you had to hear the way she said it.  Another clue was "things you cover your baby's face with".  My sister's answer "Mounds" thinking breasts when you breastfeed?  Oh the laughter.  Then I pointed out that one of the candy bars listed was Skor.  I figured the clue would be something like "what got you in this position in the first place."  I wasn't far off - clue was "what happened the night of conception" and "what daddy said".  In between laughing at the answers, sneaking red velvet cake truffles from the dessert table and another cousin's snarky comments via text messaging, I survived.
The situation itself is still a little awkward.  This was not a planned pregnancy - at least not by the baby daddy - we're thinking the baby momma did some planning.  They were engaged two years ago, but my cousin broke it off because she was not interested in getting a real job.  She's content to babysit here and there, make her jewelry which she sells at craft fairs, etc.  Wasting a college degree in education mind you!  At some point, he let her move in with him.  Not smart if you ask me - not if you hope to find someone else to marry eventually.  And as for not wanting a child with her - well shoot - don't leave it up to her.  Keep your pecker in your pocket or at least under wraps.  Don't leave it up to her - who has a couple of sisters who have taken this route to motherhood in the past!  What really seems off about the whole thing to me is that her family does not seem in the least bit to be treating this as anything other than a planned, welcome pregnancy.  And we know it's not. 
Anyway, I survived the shower.

Father Bernie Dolan

Father Bernie Dolan was one of a kind.  He was my high school religion teacher.  He also resided at my parish for a number of years, so I went to many Masses said by him.  He would tell his students to call him Bernie.  He had a wicked sense of humor.  The class he taught juniors was officially something like "Comparative Religions" but I recall calling it something like "201 standard brands of religion".  He was really a very good teacher, but not above teasing.  Once, he overheard me talking about another teacher and saying how picky she was.  I said "Picky, PICKY, picky."  Well - I heard that one over and over again.  For one test, our instructions were to write a "very picky" essay on something and a "not picky" essay on another topic.  (BTW he shared my negative opinion of that picky teacher.)  When he would say Mass, his sermons were great.  He actually told you what the author was trying to teach you in the readings.  At a certain point, he started giving a sermon before he would read the Gospel.  He would tell you what to be listening for.  He really was a student of the Bible and a fabulous teacher of the Bible as well.  After my high school years, I sometimes turned to Bernie for advice dealing with family issues or relationship issues.  He was a good counselor.  Bernie was a priest who was human and who knew it.  He didn't not take on airs.  He never acted as though his position in the Church made him special.  He's one of the few priests that I think could truly have understood the issues of marriage without having been married.  Bernie was real.  He had vices - smoke, drank.  You could relate to him and that made him a more effective priest.  He's the kind of priest we all should have gotten an opportunity to experience. 

Bernie passed away on Saturday.  I know that he is with God now.  It is his just reward.

Questions I would like my dog to answer

• Considering that you love to go for walks so much, why do you run away when I try to put the leash on you?
• Why do you think that going outside to do business is worthy of a treat everytime?
• What do you do when we're at work?
• When we go for walks, do you somehow think that this is your last chance to poop ever?
• When you sniff the trees, hydrants, etc, do you recognize the scent?  If you saw one of the dogs that peed there before you later, do you think "I know you, you use the hydrant at the corner of Elm and Main all the time."
• What would you do if you ever actually caught a squirrel?
• Or a bird?
• Why do you like to walk through leaf piles?
• What do you dream about?
• What is it about the garbage men that makes you do nutso?

PSA - Smoke Detectors

This weekend is the time to change the batteries in your smoke detectors.  And if you don't have a smoke detector, for God's sake, go get one.  There was a house fire Wednesday night in the town I work for.  The couple had no smoke detectors.  They are lucky they made it out.  Don't take that kind of chance.

Not in a bathroom, please

I know - strange title for a post - but it's what I'm thinking today.  A co-worker collapsed and died at work yesterday.  He was found in the bathroom.  I don't want to die in the bathroom.  How awful must it have been for him.  DId he know he was dying?  Was it over quickly?  I hope so.  I'm assuming he had a heart attack.  I just can't imagine that happening and being alone in a bathroom, no one to reach out to for help.  So please God, when the time comes, not in a bathroom. 

Godspeed P.  You were a good man, a pleasure to work with and you will be missed.

Happiness is....

....the end - at least for another year - of political ads.  I am so sick of them.  On the radio, on the TV - endless it seemed.  Unfortunately, I live in the tri-state area, so I get NY ads, CT ads and NJ ads.  The worst to me were the Linda McMahon ads.  Not only did I not like her and was totally embarrassed that my home state was considering electing her, but her voice just grates.  As for the results - I'm kind of "eh" about it.  I'm happy with some, not so happy with others.  I'm glad, despite being a good and true Democrat, to see Nancy Pelosi out as Speaker of the House.  I'm not so thrilled that the Orange Man is in - but what can you do.  My biggest concerns were that Carl Paladino and Linda McMahon not get elected - so in those results, I'm happy.

Waiting for November 3rd

That would be the day after Election Day.  I can't wait!  I am so sick of all the political ads on the TV and radio.  When driving in the car, I've taken to changing stations every time I hear a Linda McMahon ad come on.  I change channels or hit mute on the TV as well.  One thing that kills me about these ads - and both parties do it - is the way they use facts and distort them.  A good example is a Tom Foley ad for CT governor.  He talks about Malloy raising taxes and how his budgets had to be reviewed by "an oversight board".  What he doesn't tell you is that the review is done by a Board of Finance and it's not because the budgets were bad or out of line - but that is how the process for budget approval works in Stamford.  It doesn't matter how good or bad the budget is - the BOF is required to review it.  Or when Foley talks about Malloy using a City employee to do work on his house.  Foley doesn't mention that said City employee has a construction business on the side and did the work during his own time (not city time as is implied) and that it was all investigated and no wrong doing found.  They all do this - tell little tidbits of truth but in such a way as to create bad impressions.  The other thing that has been annoying me is the candidates running for US Senate and US Congress saying "I'm going to Washington to create jobs in "  Ummmm - maybe you should for state office if you want to create jobs at home.  Not such an easy deal doing it from DC.  Oh, I know it can be done - by getting projects such as the infamous "bridge to nowhere" approved for your home state.  That's just more pork barrel shit that we don't need.  Generally speaking, people in DC don't create jobs in their home state.  Another pet peeve - "I'm going to run the government like a business."  Yeah.  Right.  Those of us who work in government have heard that so many times over.  Would it be nice if you could?  Sure.  But you can't.  Let's start with Freedom of Information.  No back room deals.  No private agreements.  It's all open.  And then there's purchasing - you can't just hire the guy you've worked with before who you know will do it quickly and well and at a reasonable price.  We're dealing with public dollars, so it all has to be public, rules must be followed, etc.  This is all done to protect the public and make sure taxpayer dollars are properly spent - but there is a cost.  I've
Last thing I'm going to say on the elections - at least for today - I think that anyone in New York who votes for Carl Paladino for governor should have to undergo a psychological examination.  Seriously.

Destined to be frogged

One of our fellow UCONN tailgaters has a cool UCONN hat with ear flaps.  Last year I thought to myself "I can knit something like that."  With Friday's game versus West Virginia our first potential cold game fast approaching, I decided to get down to it.  I found a pattern on Ravelry that I could adapt.  I charted out my stripes and my plan to duplicate stitch UCONN on the front and I cast on.  My gauge should have given me a hat that fit my 22.5 inch head just right.  FAIL.  I finally got to a point where I could kind of try the hat on while it was on the needles.  That sucker is huge.  No two ways about it.  I've been trying to think of a way to salvage the knitting I've put into it so far, but I think that tonight I will be frogging.  Bummer.  I expect that I will put it aside for now, finish the gifts for my cousin's baby momma's shower and reset my earflap hat goal to be the Pitt game on November 11th.  Oh well.

Does it make me a bad doggie mommy if....

.....I suggest to Boomer that he should go chase the squirrel in the yard when I know perfectly well that there are no squirrels in the yard?  I've been kind of doing this of late.  Okay, not kind of.  I've been doing it.  It's fun to see him get all excited and bound across the yard looking for that squirrel.  He looks so freakin' cute doing it!  I'm going to justify it on the basis of it provides him physical and mental exercise.  It's exercising his hunting instincts!  And I get such a kick out of him dashing and bouncing around the yard.

Yarny goodness

I went to Rhinebeck this weekend - aka the Dutchess County Wool and Sheep Festival.  My purpose - to buy yarn.  I went armed with yardages for several different projects.  I didn't buy as much as I would have liked to buy - just could not find the right yarn for the Aran sweater I am planning for myself.  But, I did find some yummy yarn to make a couple of other projects - all for me!  Saturday night, when I got home, I was plenty tired and feeling a little disappointed in my results.  Sunday morning I woke up wishing for real that I had bought more.  I actually for a brief moment thought "I could go back today."  That was really a brief moment.  If I hadn't stayed for the Ravelry party, I don't think I would have been as tired at the end of the day.  But - I'm so glad I stayed for the Ravelry party because I got to meet someone I have known online for about 6 or 7 years.  Weird world the internet has created - isn't it.  It was cool meeting E.  aka Curlyknitter and meeting her friend M.  And the cupcakes were SO good.  And the swag bag was kind of cool too.  So,next year, assuming that UCONN football doesn't interfere, I plan to hit the festival earlier on Saturday, so that I can see more - we did miss at least one barn.  When shopping at something like this, I kind of need to go around and browse first, then come back and buy later.  That's why I need more time.  And maybe next year I won't be as awed by everything I'm seeing.  Sunday is probably an easier day because there are less crowds.  So, in the end I didn't find that special yarn for my Na Craga sweater, but maybe I will in the meantime and maybe that's what I'll be wearing to Rhinebeck next year - along with my lovely Clapotis that's going to be made out of what I did find this year.