Monday, April 07, 2008
Do you want your dreams to come true?
Have you ever had a dream for a long time and then when it might come true, you are not sure you want it as much anymore? Something you've longed for may finally be yours for the asking and now you're not sure about taking it? I'm dealing with that right now. I'm not sure what to do, where to go. Sometimes it's easier to deal with not being able to have what you want when you can't get it than to deal with the reality that you can have it. And it may be mine for the asking - but I don't know what the answer will be when I ask. If it's no, will the blow be more crushing or will my current ambivalence soften the blow. It's not the getting what I want part that I'm not sure about, it's what it means down the road for other plans I've been making. When it became kind of evident (or so I thought) that this dream would go unfulfilled, I started thinking about "consolation prizes" and other ways life would work and be good. Can I take on the commitment now? Can I be successful at it? Will I resent it? If I don't take it on - will I forever regret it? Different pieces of my life are close to intersecting right now. It could be awesome. It could be disastrous. And then - at the last minute - they might veer off and never meet. I feel like this is a life pop-quiz right now and what if I get it wrong?