From the outside looking in....

Ever feel that you are on the outside looking in all the time? I do. I think I've been that way most of my life. I've never been the favorite child, the popular kid in school, the person people want to be best friends with. I'm liked, I'm loved, but I've never been special - except to A. I sure hope I'm special to him. I'm feeling like I'm on the outside a lot lately. I don't have any real close friends. I have friends - but no one to whom I could turn and cry my heart out too - and worse - no one who would want to turn to me and cry their heart out. The women to whom I was closest kind of went to someone else in a friendship divorce. (You have to go back to last March when I found out my alleged friend was going around telling people about my miscarriage.) So - I have friends, but they always have someone else to whom they are closer. I have a decent figure, but I could be and want to be thinner. I have nice clothes, but I am not the snappiest dresser. I can't have kids - so I can't ever even be a cool mom. Not having kids makes it hard too - there are not many women my age that I know that don't have kids. I'm just kind of blah - the middle aged, middle of the road, middle child. Nothing special. On the outside looking in.

The start of a new year

Yeah - okay - I know that the new year started several weeks ago, but for me, it started yesterday. Sunday was the one year anniversary of my miscarriage. I had a not so good weekend, but better than I expected. I don't think the dog knows what to make of people crying, but he did his best to be my buddy. I kept myself busy with household chores, watched old movies and ate whatever I wanted. One thing I wanted was ice cream cake and whipped cream.

So yesterday started my new year. I am back on the South Beach diet. I want to lose 10 pounds. 15 would be great. I want to be healthier. Walking the dog helps. I usually get out to walk him at least once per day, often times it's twice. When I get the DVD player hooked up again, I will start up with pilates again. I may even get a new one. I want to focus more energy on what I can control and let go of that which I can not. Tough order, but doable I think.

Jail Break!

When A and I are both working or otherwise out of the house, we crate Boomer. He's lately gotten clever and learned how to move his crate. I came home one day to find it several feet to the left of where it had been placed. The next day, while A was out he also moved it forward. Then there was Thursday. I come home, open the door, go into the dining room to find....an empty crate. I start calling for the dog and running around the house. I found him at the top of the stairs (2nd floor) laying there, looking like he knew he had been bad. Luckily, there were no puddles, no destruction of any sort. Unbelievably, he had managed to pop open one of the doors to the crate. So - A and I decide to give it a shot and start leaving him out of the crate. Fast Forward to Saturday afternoon. I take him out to do his business before I have to leave for a couple of hours. He will not pee. So - I'm not comfortable leaving him in the house not having peed, so I crate him. Two hours later, I come home - not only is the crate empty, but it's on it's side. Guess he was really pissed! He had only managed to pop one of the latches. I can't believe he squeezed himself out through such a small space. This time, he hung out all the way up on the third floor - again with the guilty look. Looks like the crate is history. I'm wondering if putting the crate on its side was a bit of revenge for what I made him wear on Saturday morning to take his walk. Mind you - it was cold and we had had snow, so I was worried about ice control products being on the sidewalk.

We really didn't want purple booties - but they are color coded by size. Poor Boomer!

The Boom Doggie

For the longest time, A would say to me "I want a puppy." My response was always "when we get a house." Well, we got the house this summer. So - the puppy was soon to follow. A really wanted a lab. He had the breeder picked out and was researching the bloodlines, trying to decide on a litter. Then, one of my employees told me about a lab that was a Katrina rescue and was at a shelter nearby. So - I tell A, he goes online to look at the dog, decides he likes this dalmation they have better (must be a fireman thing). So, we go visit. The dalmation is very hard for me to handle on the leash, but we talk to the shelter people about adopting him. Then A sees this cute little mutt (sorry Boomer) in a pen nearby. They bring him out to meet us. He's very sweet, very easy to walk on the leash and affectionate. They told us he was about 2 years old. We didn't take him home right away because we were going to be leaving town for 4 days in a week and didn't think it would be fair to bring him home and then desert him right away. So - we get back from our trip and go pick up our dog. He is named Boomer after the former Yankees pitcher David "Boomer" Wells. He is an American Bulldog/Pit Bull mix - and we think some other things thrown in there too. Turns out he was only about 10 months old when we adopted him - so still a puppy - and you can tell! He's such a love bug! He would lick your face off if he could and he loves to snuggle with us. If A and I try to hug and kiss in his presence, well, he just gets his little body right in there. He's a very smart little boy. He has learned to sit at intersections before crossing on his walk. He knows where all the other doggies live on his walking path - and cries when they are not out to say hello. His big negative? He thinks that squirrels are evil beasts and he must chase them. He loves stuffed animals - so much fun to rip them open and take out their innards! He chews through rope bones too. We are hoping that as he gets older, that will pass. But - better the stuffed animals and rope bones than our shoes or furniture! He is good about getting on the furniture, except for our bed. Right now, we are trying to break him of the idea that he can sneak up in bed with us at 4 am! Anyway - he's such a sweetie. We love our Boom Doggie.

Happy New Year

It's been a while - I hope to post some dog pictures and house pictures soon. For now - just a couple.

More pictures

We finally got the "big" computer hooked up, so I've been able to upload pictures again. These are some before and after pictures of the yard. There are a lot of Rose of Sharon bushes - or trees - and several regular rose bushes. There are lilies of some sort and one of the neighbors said there are daffodils. Then there were the weeds. We've gotten them out best as we can, but I know we need to do more. I'll be planting some bulbs soon - tulips and maybe crocuses and daffodils. A is trying to get the grass going in the front. It's a challenge! So - the first two are before....



and then a few after.....

We're in!

We moved in two weeks ago. We're still unpacking! And that doesn't take into account the stuff in storage. I'll have to take some more pictures - but I really wanted to wait until we had everything organized. Last weekend was just so much fun - Ernesto turned out the lights. Tropical Storm Ernesto cause major outages in our area. A was off at a funeral on Long Island for the FDNY Lieutenant killed in a fire earlier that week. We didn't get the power back on until late Tuesday afternoon. Not fun people! It didn't help me that A was working much of that time. And my mood was not too good as this past week was my due date for the baby I lost in January. That weighed heavily on me all week. I'm doing better with that now.

We really like our neighborhood. The people we have met are all very nice. There are a decent number of young - 5-9 yrs old - kids in the neighborhood. The street is quiet enough that they can play in the street. The other night, they were playing football across our front lawn and the neighbors. A & I sat on the front porch eating our dinner and watching the kids. We do have to get the dining room all set up so that we can eat like normal people at a table! We still have other work to do in the house, like painting trim, but we're getting there. The first time A showered, the tub took forever to drain. I had known from the house inspection that it was slow - but didn't know it was that slow. We tried all sorts of uncloggers - nothing was working. Then we thought that the stopper was stuck in the closed position. Plunging seemed to help get the water down faster, but wasn't solving anything. Then - don't know what I did - but one morning I was plunging away and the water started moving down faster. I fixed it. Don't know how - but it's fixed. I am scared to flip the stopper on for fear that will cause a problem again. I intend to buy one of those plastic stoppers. They are not the best - but they work. I think that I'm going to compile a list of "things to be done" and keep track here - see how fast we knock things off the list!

It's not a jungle anymore!

I don't know how much you'll be able to tell from the pictures, but this past week, A. has done a lot of work on the yard. The front hedges are now neatly trimmed. The weeds are gone, the Rose of Sharon trees (or are they bushes) have been trimmed. Things are looking good. On the inside, the floors are done and the carpet is in. It looks great. Moving day is Thursday. We can't wait!

Getting There!

I've been out of town, so I haven't posted any updates. Last weekend was busy. The rooms are all painted. Most of the trim is done. We focused on getting the low trim done as that had the greatest risk of getting paint on the floors. Any of the upper trim that was not finished will be done very carefully. The work on the floors being finished up today, so soon I'll have pics of that too! Then carpet in the attic on Monday and we're almost all set. Wednesday they come to put in some new phone jacks - hopefully that will be possible. I can't believe there was only one jack in the whole house. So - these are pictures of the living room and stairs. The living room is all taped off so we can do the trim. The last is a picture of the master bedroom. I really like the color we chose. It's soft and calming, but not too girly.

Coloring my world

For 12 years, I have lived with white or off-white walls. I miss color. I have really enjoyed being able to pick out the colors for our new house. I can't wait to be living life in color once more! The living room is done except for the trim, after my several day obsession with the walls. I couldn't decide if 2 coats had been enough to cover the yellow, so I finally just painted a 3rd coat. The guest bedroom walls are done. I have one coat on the master bedroom walls - ran out of light today - and I am loving the color. So - some before and after shots!

Goodbye Stripes!

Well - sort of - some of them. The dining room walls are done. All that's left to do there is the trim. When looking at the walls from certain angles, you can see where the stripes were. That's a result of the different kinds of paint that was used to create the stripes. Rather than do the kind of work necessary to get rid of them, we decided to live with that. It doesn't hurt the look of the room at all.

I also regrouted the tub yesterday. In cleaning it - it was kind of gross - some of the grout came out. It looks so much better now. I'm going to look into sealing it - but I think I have to wait a few days.

Next project? Paint the living room.

Slowly but surely....

We're getting there. The pictures don't show it, but the ceiling in the dining room is done. They do show the bottom of the wall being done. Who knew that it would take so many coats to cover yellow with red!
A. did a lot of yard work today. It is such an improvement over what it had looked like. One before and two afters....

The first small steps

So - this is our house. We won't make any changes to the outside for a while - except in terms of landscaping. So far, we've prepped almost all the walls for painting - washed them down, filled in cracks, etc. I was washing them down in the middle of this heat wave with no a/c in the upstairs. I was wiped out last night. We got the a/c going upstairs, so it's much better now. Today, we put the first bit of paint on the dining room walls! Here are some before and during pictures. No afters yet.

The ways in which we will show our love for our house...

...are going to be many. We're going to paint the rooms. The downstairs rooms don't need that much love - but oh the upstairs! I can't believe how badly stained the carpet in the guest room was. Good thing we planned to rip it up anyway. We didn't plan to rip up the carpet on the 3rd floor, but that needs to go too. I think it may have been the cat's domain. We had planned to paint everything but the kitchen. The bedrooms are what really need it most. While the previous owners weren't pigs, they clearly didn't care about what they spilled in the bedroom. It's kind of weird because the downstairs had been re-done so beautifully- not necessarily to my taste, but very attractive. The upstairs was neglected. Not nearly as badly neglected as the yard though. There is grass in the left section (if you are facing the house) of the front yard. The rest of the yard is green, but it's not grass for the most part. The gardens are overgrown and have been unattended. There's going to be lots of ripping out and cutting down going on. They - I should say we - have this beautiful hydrangea that has been overgrown with other less attractive bushes.

Today's plan is to go clean the lower trim in preparation for repainting it. I will also paint samples of the colors we have chosen for the dining room & living room to make sure we're happy with those choices. They will be the first rooms painted. Then I've got two colors to try out in the stairwell. Hopefully one will work and we'll do that after the living room.
Tomorrow's plan is for A. to rip out the carpet and tape up the walls so that I can start painting on Tuesday.

Pictures of what will be

Okay - I'm going to try and post pictures of some of the furniture we've picked out. This is the stuff for the living room. We're not sure yet if we'll be able to go with the chaise lounge. Depending on space and the layout we go with, it could also be a loveseat or a big chair. The sofa is very comfy and big enough for A. to lay out on. The wood is kind of dark, which will go with the coffee table and end tables we have currently - if we decide to keep them.

So - where was I?

Maybe if I switch to titles for my posts I'll be better about blogging? Doubtful - but it could be fun anyway.
Well - a lot has happened in the last 20 days. We are homeowners! We decided that since we wouldn't be closing the week of the 4th, we would head to the Cape for a little R&R. We got there Thursday night, planning to stay until Sunday or Monday, depending on the weather. Then - Friday afternoon we get the call. "Can you close Monday at 3:30 pm?" YES, YES, YES! Of course, we recognize that the seller is not exactly moving out right away. So the deal is going to be, she pays our per diem interest until the end of the month, at which time she gets out or pays us big bucks per day. We don't know the specifics of the deal at this point, but yes, we will close.
Fast forward to Monday, closing. We finally get to the point of the closing costs - after signing our lives away 4 dozen times. I notice the "rent" is not quite what we expected and rather than a few bucks back, we have to pay $177. Not a big amount - but it's the principal of the matter. We go out into the hall to discuss this with our attorney - actually it's our attorney's partner who is not familiar with all that has gone on with this deal. And I must mention that the seller's attorney is such a loser that he has to borrow another firm's conference room for the closing. So - our attorney is saying well - we decided that was a fair amount since they are doing you a favor by closing early. HELLO? FAVOR? I pointed out to him that, by contract we were supposed to have closed on the 3rd. His partner, our real attorney, said that the seller was in breach of contract. Okay - go back in - lawyer's get their heads together again. Now the loser lawyer is saying it should stay where it is because the seller couldn't move out on time because she couldn't get started on her construction on time because our mortgage commitment letter got to her late, so she couldn't get her financing. Um HELLO! The time from our offer to the planned closing was just over 60 days. No way that they were waiting on our commitment letter getting to them to start construction. Tell me what house takes only 2 months to build? Please. That lawyer was such a sleeze. We agreed to just call it even with us not paying any more at closing, which meant we came out about $200 on the losing side. Not worth losing the house over.
So now - she needs to be out by Sunday the 30th, or she pays us $200/day. I thought I heard her say that the movers were coming on the 27th - so she may be out even earlier. By Saturday - but definitely by Sunday - we should have the keys to our house!

Then the fun begins. We've picked out paint for each room, furniture for the living room and a new bedroom set. I'll have to find pictures and post them! So I'll be taking some time off work to paint my little heart out. Then we'll have the floors done. I also plan to strip the top of my dining room table - it was my grandparent's - and refinish it. I actually did this about 10 years ago, but I never finished the leaves. I would prefer they match so, I will do it all again. I'm debating on my dining room chairs. We have four now. I would like at least 6. My debate is do I stick with the style that I have - or something similar - or do I go for a new style. If I go for a new style, do I get 6 new ones or just two? Last dilemna - for now anyway - is the bathroom. The tiles on the tub and wall are beige. The floor is more white with these mauve diamonds in the center. We have rugs in navy, cream and I think there are green ones in storage. We have a really cool shower curtain - it's from the New Yorker. If you remember the New Yorkistan cover they did after 9/11, that's our shower curtain. That has a lot of color. I don't know what to paint the walls. Right now, it's khaki and either a dark green or dark blue stripe. The stupid mauve diamonds on the floor are the problem. I'll figure it out or rip out the floor! :)

July 5, 2006

I can't believe it's been so long since I have blogged! Wow!

I should be posting about how we have closed on our new home and we spent yesterday painting and how I'm going there after work to paint some more. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Our sellers aren't ready to get out. They now want to wait until the end of the month to close. I'm presently waiting for a call from our lawyer telling me how his discussion with their lawyer went. I'm not known for my patience. This is trying.

We are going with the friendly approach right now. We are going to say "okay, we'll work with you, but you need to compensate us for the costs we are going to incur as a result of not being able to get in when we planned." At best, it's probably going to cost them at least $2,700. We could reduce that if they would close by Monday. We would then consider renting the house back to them for the month, if all the insurance details could be worked out.

I could handle whatever is going to happen, if I could at least plan for it. If I knew what it was. Tell me we're closing August 1st and I can deal with it. Because then I can figure out what to do next.

May 22, 2006

I'm slacking again. Life has been busy. We're buying a house. I'm still scared something will go wrong - but it's looking good. I actually started packing yesterday. Today I need to write to our landlord and tell her we're leaving. I've started picking paint colors. Nothing is definite yet, but I have ideas.

We went to Montreal for my professional association's annual conference - my first while on the board. My trip there was relatively uneventful - if you don't count the limo being 20 minutes late. Good thing I called and said "where are you" or he would have been later. As we are driving there, he comments on it being an international flight and had I allowed enough time to check in. I start to worry - hadn't really considered Montreal as being international. Silly me - just because I could drive there doesn't make it a local trip. As it turns out, I was fine. I wish I could say the same for dear husband A. A was in Atlantic City for his own conference, taking the train to Philly to then fly to Montreal. I booked it all through United - just told the web site "I want to go from here to there" and let it do its job. Well - computers can't think. They put him on a flight from Philly to NYC to Montreal. Two different planes. Two different airlines. He did not have enough time to collect his baggage, get to the next terminal and check in. He ended up having to fly to Toronto, then to Montreal, arriving at 1:30 in the morning. I must say, he was very even tempered through the whole ordeal.

The conference was fun. I didn't have much time on my own. I had meetings and activities that I had to attend. That was different from me - but very worthwhile. I'm truly enjoying being on the board, meeting some terrific people. There was the incident where I lost my purse and was mildly freaking out (A. may disagree about how mildly) but I found it so all was well. Now I just have to turn in all my receipts and get reimbursed!

Mother's Day was a tough one for me. I was in a serious funk. It didn't help that, while at the conference, yet another colleague told me that he and his wife were expecting. Then I come back to the news that a co-worker's wife had given birth. Am I just more aware of all these pregnancies or is there a baby boom for everyone but me. It's hard sometimes to see pregnant women, especially if they look about as far along as I would have been.

My mom is sick. We don't know what's causing it. She goes for another test tomorrow. She's nauseous all the time. My greatest fear is that her cancer has returned. It's hard too with her being so far away. I can't get up there to help her out right now and probably won't be able to do so for another few weeks. It's frustrating.

It's beautiful weather here today and I'm not going to miss a minute more. I'm off to walk.

April 28, 2006

Happy Birthday to my little sister!

I've been neglectful here. Okay - not to jinx things - but it looks like we've got a house. The seller has accepted our offer. Now we have to deal with the results of the inspection. We found out that the furnace needs to be replaced right away. We knew it needed to be done, but thought we would have a couple of years. We're inclined to ask for some sort of concession, but we don't want to lose the house over it. what to do, what to do, what to do

Work is busy. Next week I leave for a conference. I'm looking forward to that. Time seems to be flying right now!

All in all, life is good.

April 13, 2006

I need to be talked down. Sometimes I obsess about stuff. Right now - I'm obsessing about my employee who is leaving today. I'm glad she's going. She did a good enough job with her work, but she's the one who told other people about my miscarriage. She has a real tendency to talk about other people's private lives. So - my obsession right now is that I really wish everybody else here knew what she was really like. I hate how nice everyone is being to her because she is leaving. I want her shunned. Don't be taking her to lunch - she's talked about you too. Don't be buying her flowers - do you know how much of your life she's revealed to others? I really want to shout and say "She's not this wonderful person that you all think she is." She's not a horrible person, but if people only knew the truth about her - they would be giving her a wide berth. And I have to sit her silent. If I told people, then I'm just climbing down into her gutter. And I know it is terribly un-Christian of me to wish this - but I can't help it right now. I was wronged and I want some retribution.

I also worry about what she has said about me. I know she was unhappy a few months ago when she wanted more vacation time than I could give her. She's also told some lies in her leaving. She told me and the HR director that she could only give two weeks notice because her new job wanted her to start right away. Lie. She's taking next week off. She told this guy in another department - this union leader that she supposedly does not ever talk to - that she was leaving before she told me. That was just not right. People here have no clue about her. Well - some people do. They knew what she was like before I did.

Oh - and have I mentioned that she dates my husband's cousin? None of said cousin's friends like her. They tell him to drop her on a regular basis. But - he doesn't. And I love my husband's cousin - he's a great guy. So - I have to suck it up and put up with her even after she leaves my office.

I need to get over it. She will get her just desserts. I just wish that I could see it when it happens.

April 12, 2006

Quick thoughts
- People need to learn to share the sidewalk. Earlier this week, I encountered two women on walking side by side the sidewalk coming towards me. There is only room for two abreast. Instead of one of them stepping aside momentarily, they forced me off the sidewalk. Rude!

- Just when I think I'm getting clear of all the emotional issues with my miscarriage, stuff happens. Monday night it was coming home and finding yet another issue of Fit Pregnancy had arrived. I cancelled that magazine right away. I just couldn't handle it Monday night. You think you are getting stronger and someone kicks you in the gut. Today, it was getting a request from another department at work to make a contribution for a gift to a guy and his wife who are having their first child. Just another kick in the gut seeing that and knowing that it's not going to happen for me.

- Some good stuff - we made an offer on a house yesterday. I'm am excited and nervous. We want this house. It would be such a great house. It needs work - but we are ready for that - looking forward to it even. I'm afraid to get too attached to it yet though - just in case we don't get it.

- The budget is almost done. I always feel so much more relaxed when it's finally put to bed. Of course - this year I have negotiations to deal with and we'll be short handed in the office for a while - but we'll make it.

- The weather is getting nice. I'm getting out for walks most days. Today I will be walking to the convenience store to buy my Powerball tickets!!

April 6, 2006

Happy Birthday to my cousin Elyce and her husband Tom! Elyce joins the world of 40 somethings today. She is a terrific person. One of those people you enjoy being with. I wish she lived closer.

Life has been hectic. It's budget season at work and we are getting down to the end so I'm really crunching out a lot of work. I can't wait for it to be over! Today has been especially tiring. I had a GFOA meeting that was 1 1/2 hours away. Then I had to leave mid-meeting to be back here to go over some budget stuff with my boss before the meeting tonight. Plus I had to get some stuff ready for the board, so that I can calculate a tax rate on the fly tonight so they can see where they are before the final changes. Plus I've been reviewing how to do the payroll this week since my payroll clerk is leaving next week. Can I say good riddance here? Of course I can - it's my blog! I can say whatever I want!

We are going to look at houses this weekend. I am so excited. Strange as this may seem, I hope we end up with one that is in need of a little work. I want to do that kind of stuff - repainting, stripping wallpaper - make it our house.

At my meeting today, two of my male colleagues told me their wives were expecting. They have no idea of our struggles to have children. It can be so hard to put on that bright happy "oh congratulations" face. I'm adapting to the child free concept, but I don't think I'll ever completely get over not being able to have kids. And it looks like adopting is just not in the cards for financial and emotional reasons.

My great-uncle passed away this week. There's a graveside service tomorrow and I hope I can make it. My mom says that my brother is going. I just hope he doesn't bring his bitch with him. It's my blog - I can call her that here. I suppose I should be a little careful. My nephew is rather computer savvy. I don't think he would find it though - there's no clues to lead him here. I found his blog though. He doesn't know. I've learned some interesting things reading his blog!

Well - I think I am off to go suit shopping before my meeting - and maybe to pick up a quick bite to eat.

March 28, 2006

I can't do the online Jeopardy try out tonight. I'm not happy. I have to be at a meeting for work tonight. I won't be able to watch the UCONN women's game tonight either. What a bummer about the men. I'm rooting for LSU on the men's side now.

I've been walking at lunchtime when I can. And if I can't walk, I do cardio at home. I'm trying to get cardio in at least every other day and weights as well. I'm also being careful about my eating. I'm seeing the difference in the fit of my clothes, but not on the scale and that makes me mad. Our scale can be ornery. Sometimes, it seems to be stuck on the previous weight. I don't always trust it as a result.

We've begun house hunting. It's exciting and terrifying! And something new to post about !!

March 23, 2006

Wow. It's been a while. There has been stuff happening. I haven't really had anything I felt like writing about that wasn't really whining. Like having my personal pain exposed by someone I thought was a friend. Then having one of those days where you think maybe you should be committed or at least be on serious drugs. But - I have decided to focus on being happy. I have a wonderful husband. He's been sick. He's been on vacation too - sucks to be sick on vacation. While he's been off, he's let his beard grow a bit, but he has it trimmed in a Van Dyke. I like it. Too bad it's against regs. He's the best thing that ever happened to me.

I'm trying to be good about exercising more and watching what I eat. We are going to a dinner dance Saturday. It's when things like this come up that I really really wish I hadn't gained this weight. I'm not sure what the scale will say tomorrow morning, but I feel good. So I'm focusing on that.

I got a new dress for a black tie event we are going to in May. It was a very good buy, plus it's a beautiful dress. More good things.

One bad thing I have to sneak in here - I am sucking big time in both NCAA pools I'm in! :) That's a fun bad thing. Tennesee killed me. There were plenty of others, but we UCONN fans don't like Tennessee anyway - so it's easy to blame them.

So back to all about being happy. We are hoping to buy a house this summer. First step is to find out what kind of mortgage we can get. I'm psyched and scared all at once. It's a huge commitment, but one we want to make. I'm tired of renting. I want my own place to decorate. I want a place where no one is walking over my head, where I'm not sharing a hot water heater with 2 other families, where I can park in a garage. Soon - it's coming soon.

March 6, 2006

I'm trying very hard to work on the whole swearing thing. Today, as I was leaving the RE's office - which does not put me in a good frame of mind - I had an encounter that might normally let some of my road rage slip and the swearing come out. But - it didn't! Small victory for the day. This goober was coming up in the right lane, going really fast (mind you I'm a speed demon) and clearly he wanted to get around me. Eventually, it suited my purposes to let him go by. Well - get this - Bubba (as I affectionately named him rather than MotherF***r) was driving a light blue Subaru Impreza (very manly) with a spoiler and big tailpipe. Okay - if you want to have a hotrod looking car - a Subaru Impreza? Light blue? Oh boy - what a goober. I'll bet he picks up lots of chicks in that!
I think I'm making some progress on the issue of getting my body back into shape. I did 20 minutes of cardio Saturday night - half of it was really tough stuff. Sunday, I did 10 minutes of cardio and another 40 of pilates. That made me feel really good. I wasn't great with the snacking - but improved. So far today, I have resisted snacking (other than popcorn which is part of my plan) and it wasn't hard. It hasn't felt like denial. Let's hope this continues!
So - another blood draw today. I'm hoping that this was the last one. I'm just waiting for the phone call. I think that when I am done with the RE, it will really help me put this behind me. I know that there will be moments of sadness and tears - like I had this weekend - but I will feel like I've really turned a corner. I kind of feel right now like I'm approaching the end of the street, ready to turn the corner into the sunshine - but I'm not there yet. It's hard seeing little babies on TV - knowing that I'm not going to have that ever. Going back to church was hard. I know God didn't cause this - but I'm still not over my anger there.
My honey is home sick today - horrible way to start his vacation. I feel so bad when he's sick and I can't do anything for him. Hopefully the doctor will be able to put him on the road to recovery soon!

March 3, 2006

First lesson of the day - clean off the roof of your car after a snowstorm (and all windows too). I did - but I sure wish others would too. It's just SO much fun to be riding down 95 when someone's snow stack blows off the roof of their car back at you.

Second lesson of the day - weed through your saved e-mails on aol and delete some once in a while. Otherwise, one day you will have over 2000 e-mails to go through!

I'm doing well. I'm laughing more than crying these days. There is always sadness, but it's getting easier to bear.

I'm taking a mini-break from weight loss efforts tonight, but starting up again tomorrow.

Oh - and the count on the "no swearing" thing is up. One last night - but that was justified since the board I staff would not cancel their meeting despite the snow. Then again today I swore while in the car. It's something about getting behind the wheel that does it to me. It's a form road rage I think.

March 1, 2006

It's Ash Wednesday. I'm being a bad Catholic. I did not go to get ashes. I just don't feel like going. It's not a Holy Day - so I think I'm still good with God. I need to get going back to church. I didn't go the weekend I lost the baby for obvious reasons. Then there was the blizzard and I've fallen back out of the habit I had gotten into. Hopefully this weekend I'll get myself back there. I've decided to try to give up swearing for Lent again this year. I've already blown it. I started to say "f**ing" something today - realized what I had just said - then (get this) I said "D*** I swore." Hello! I'm doing better with the no sweets deal that I agreed to with my husband. Okay - it's only been one day. I'm doing that part to help me get myself back in shape. I need to lose about 15-20 pounds. I did workout tonight - that felt good. I got these 10 minute DVDs. Each has 5 10 minute workouts. I did 2 cardio segments, one toning segment and one stretching segment. Not a bad job. I want to be in better shape before the firehouse dinner dance and then in really decent shape for my annual conference in May. We'll be going to a black tie dinner at that and I would like to look nice in whatever I wear, not frumpy and dumpy! I'm doing better dealing with my loss. The counseling has helped. Support from friends and family has helped. What's helped the most though is the constant love and support from my husband. I've read the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People." It has really helped. I plan to read it again. I get the authors point, that the world is random and God doesn't cause the good or bad things, he's not testing us, etc - and that when the bad things happen, we need to turn to God for help in where to go next. I'm just not ready for it yet. Okay - for whatever reason, blogger is not letting me do carriage returns. So - on to a new topic - bulk e-mails. We all have those people in our lives that send out these e-mails with jokes, political crap, chain letters, etc to all the people in their address books. I have 3 such people - my aunt, my husband's uncle (I thought it was his aunt up until this week) and a friend of ours. I get annoyed with the political crap - seems all three of these people are conservative Republicans who don't realize that I'm a semi-liberal Democrat. Two of the three have the unfortunate habit of sending stuff out without checking the veracity of the information they are forwarding. Well - a little brouhaha developed this week when one of my e-mailers sent something out about the ACLU and crosses on federal property. This prompted a response from one of the other recipients. Soon we have a reply to all war going on. Where am I going with all this? The jokes are fine. I love the pretty pictures. But before sending out the political stuff you should do two things. One - consider your audience and two - check the facts. That's it. I'm stepping off my soap box. One last thing - I went to see UCONN v. Villanova Men's Basketball this Sunday at Gampel Pavilion. AWESOME! WE WON!! In honor of my UCONN Huskies - I will color this post UCONN blue.

February 10, 2006

I lost my baby just about two weeks ago. It's been a struggle since. The physical issues have mostly gone, but emotionally I just don't know where I am. I think that part of my problem is accepting that it's okay to be grieving. There is something in me that feels like I should be able to get over this. I think that's maybe because I had to go back to work so soon after. I wasn't able to stay home and work through it, but had to be back at work the Tuesday after it happened. My husband has been wonderful. He's my rock. I've always known that I loved him very much - but each day since we lost our baby, I have fallen more deeply in love with him. The way he has cared for me has just been awesome. Whether it's holding me as I cry, kissing me gently, telling me that he loves me, making me breakfast, calling to check up on me or telling me how sexy I am - he does so much to help me feel better. I worry about him. I worry that I'm not taking good care of him. He tells me that talking to the guys at the firehouse really helps. The fire department really is a brotherhood. I am so thankful for them. I'm seeing a counselor. That, I think, is helping. I've actually seen two. I went to see our counselor from work and my RE wanted me to see someone they know who specializes in fertility issues. I decided to see both and then pick the one I felt would be most helpful to me. That sounds a little funny when I think about it - like test driving counselors. Anyway, the one the RE recommended is nice and said some things that really helped - but I don't think her expertise in fertility issues helps. I need help with grief just as much as I do with facing the infertility problem. So, I'm sticking with my work counselor.

I am heading up to visit my mother next weekend. I think that will be very good for me to be with her. Mother-love is a wonderful medicine! Also, she lives near a beach and walking on the beach has always been a very calming activity for me. Plus, she's been sick. She was in the hospital earlier this week with a kidney stone. So my visit will be a chance for me to help her out too.

I suppose that's all for now. I'm ready to hunker down this weekend and wait out the storm. Blizzard warnings - yikes!

January 30, 2006

I miscarried on Saturday. The doctor gave me medicine to cause it after the ultrasound on Thursday showed no heartbeat. It started a lot earlier than I thought it would. I took the medicine at 11 and it started about 2:30. I had hoped it wouldn't start until later, when my husband would be home from work. I ended up getting very little sleep because of the cramping. In the end it wasn't scary. It was like a really, really bad period. My husband took very good care of me the rest of the day and since. I had called my mom Friday night to tell her. I couldn't do much but cry. My sisters both called over the weekend, they have been great. I could care less whether my brother and his family ever know. My SIL doesn't like me anyway. I'm sure she would make all the proper sympathetic noises though. Then she would go talk about me behind my back. I went back to the doctor today to see if all the tissue had been expelled. It has been, but they still want to monitor my hormone levels. I have to go back on Friday. I really don't want to have to keep going back. I want it to be done. I want to start moving on with life. I want to get myself back in shape. I had lost some weight before getting pregnant, but I think I've put it back on since. I haven't exercised since the start of this IVF cycle. I need to start doing that kind of thing - moving on. I'm not sure when they'll let me start working out. I know that physically, I'm not ready today - but I will be soon. I just hope that when I feel like I can move forward in that direction, I'm not being held back psychologically by having to continue with monitoring by the doctor.

January 23, 2006

I heard this morning on the radio that today is the gloomiest day of the year. It is. That's for damn sure. Life is not so good anymore. I'm pregnant, but it doesn't look like I'll be that way much longer. I had an ultrasound this morning. The baby hasn't grown as expected in the last week and it's heartbeat is not as fast as they would expect. My doctor expects that when I go back on Thursday for another ultrasound, there will no longer be a heartbeat. I knew that this could happen - that getting pregnant was only a small part of the battle. It just hurts so much and I can't even go home and cry. I have to get the budget finished and to the printer by the end of the day. All I want right now is to be in my husband's arms and I can't have that. I was really beginning to believe that this was happening and that we would have a healthy baby. We had such hopes. I know that we could still get a miracle, but the odds are not with us.

It's hard to keep a secret. I'm keeping a good one. I don't want to tell it just yet because I don't want to jinx it. Silly - right - but I'm somewhat superstitious - remember it was my fault the Giants lost the playoff game, all because I tivoed it.

I'm heading to DC tomorrow for a couple of days of meetings. I will not see my husband until Friday evening. He has to work tonight - so saying goodbye to him this morning was tough. I reminded myself though, that this was not as bad as when he went to New Orleans.

He had rope training with the FDNY yesterday. All FDNY firefighters have been given personal safety ropes. This is in response to the tragedy of about one year ago, when 6 guys were forced to jump about 5 stories down from a burning building. 2 were killed. One walked away with very few injuries, but the others suffered severe injuries. So yesterday, he was learning how to use the new ropes they have been given.

Football wise - I'm now rooting for Carolina and Pittsburgh. I've never much cared for Denver and I like the coach from Carolina - he's a former Giants coach. I wanted the Colts to win on Sunday, but I knew that interception reversal was wrong and didn't want to see them win as a result of that. I think things worked out as they should.

January 9. 2006

Life continues to be good. Except for the Giants. I am so disappointed. I feel like it's my fault. I tivoed the game. Ever time I tivo a game, they lose. I thought about it, but said to my self "Self, really, your tivoing the game will have absolutely nothing to do with the outcome." Ha! I set the tivo because I was going to a get together with some friends that I had never met before. Sounds funny doesn't it. I was meeting up with a bunch of ladies that I chat with online on a regular basis. It was so nice to meet all of them. Well worth missing the game. I was exhausted afterwards though. It was a long drive and I tire easily these days. Well, sportswise, at least UCONN had a halfway decent weekend. I'm bummed that the girls lost to Tennessee. I hate Tennessee and Pat Summitt. But - the boys won and it was an exciting game. I would, however, prefer they be a little less exciting. I know that because I'm a girl, I probably should prefer watching the women's team, but I just find the men's game so much more exciting. Now that the Giants are out, I will focus on UCONN sports. I'll still be watching football of course - must have football on Sundays. I will be rooting for Indianapolis to win it all. I think that I would like to see Chicago win the NFC. As long as New England and Washington go no further, I'll be happy.

January 5, 2006

Life continues to be good. Life is busy though - and getting busier. The budget madness is starting. A little funny from earlier this week - you know when someone tries to show off their knowledge of a topic - or maybe tries to trip you up? Someone did that with me this week, in a public meeting. She asked me about implementing an accounting standard - would it be difficult for us and what were the financial implications. It was embarassing. We implemented that standard 2 years ago. In fact, everybody - except the very very small entities - had to have implemented it by the end of the last fiscal year. And financial implications? Uh - the standard just changed our reporting, no financial implications. I suppose that part of the question wasn't too bad - but she really blew it with the first part. There's actually another standard that's out that she should have asked about. It would have indicated real knowledge on her part and there could be financial implications with that one.
Anyway, as I say, life is good, but I'm tired a lot these days - so off to the couch to watch one of my obsessions - CSI!

January 1, 2006

Happy New Year! Life is good. Here's hoping we all have a healthy, happy year filled with love and friendship. I hope it is also filled with lots of victories for the NY Giants, the Yankees and UCONN! :)

December 26, 2005

Christmas was lovely. We had my mother, sisters, one sister's boyfriend and dog for brunch Christmas morning. It was a little tight in our apartment, but nice to be together. I've been off my diet, but that was partly due to the potential pregnancy. I figure that now is not the time to be dieting. Okay - that's my excuse for eating without boundaries at the moment. I haven't really been dieting, just eating healthier, which was helping me to lose weight. Instead of snacking on chips and cookies, it was celery and apples. So - I've been slacking. My pregnancy test is Wednesday, but I plan to get back to healthy eating tomorrow (Tuesday). I am nervous about the beta. (Beta - IVF talk for pregnancy blood test.) I am hopeful and fearful. After the retrieval, my husband asked me what would I do if it as negative, but the RE said I could try again. I really don't know. I've had my mind set, accepting that this was the last try. What would I do if he said I could go again. Hopefully, that won't become an issue.

December 18, 2005

We put back a basketball team yesterday - or as my husband terms it, a truck company (fire department lingo there). None were grade 1, but there were several grade 1.5. One of the five embryos was actually a morula - not quite a blast. I have no idea if that one is any more likely to implant. So - we're praying a lot. We're talking to the little guys and girls, asking them to stick around. I'm taking it as easy as I possibly can - even cancelling meetings at work - but somehow I still have to go to the dentist.

Now - I must say - GO TIKI! What a game yesterday!! And the makeshift offensive line did well. The defensive line stepped it up too, when they needed it. Go Big Blue. I think I will make this post blue in their honor!

December 17, 2005

In two hours, they'll be transferring some of my little baseball team back into my uterus. I'm excited. I'm anxious. I wonder if any embryos not put back will make it to freezing. More than anything though - I am so hopeful that this works.

December 15, 2005

The retrieval went better than expected yesterday. Way better. I went in expecting them to retrieve 4 to 6 eggs. When I woke up from the anesthesia and asked the nurse "how many" I guess I was still a bit groggy. I saw her hold up 6 fingers. I missed the first 10. They got 16 eggs! Like I said - way better than expected. The RE thought that some might be immature. Only 2 were immature. Out of the other 14, 9 fertilized. I've got my own baseball team!! I am very pleased with the results! Hopefully they will continue to divide and we'll have a bunch of good eggs to put back in on Saturday. I didn't say anything silly this time - that I know about anyway. Well - except for when the RE told me they got 16 eggs and I said "No bleepin way" except I didn't really say bleepin. The nurse did tell me that as they finished up with the retrieval, they were talking about how some patient told the RE that he looked like Richard Gere. They were going back and forth about it. Apparently, as they wheeled me out, I woke up, said "Richard Gere, I don't think so" and then went back out. I have no memory of that.

Now a drug update. No more shots in the belly. For the next several days, I take an antibiotic twice a day and a steroid once a day. I will stop those after the transfer. Then there's the fun stuff. I take prometrium pills in the evening. They put me to sleep. In the morning, I have to take a progesterone shot. It gets done with a "big ass" needle - literally. The shot goes in your butt. It's an intramuscular shot. You should see this thing! Most women have their husband or partner do it. Due to my husband's schedule, I have to do them myself half the time. He gets the left butt cheek, I get the right. It's not easy. I have to stand in front of a mirror and kind of contort myself. I'm always anxious as I go to do it - but I get it done. The shot itself really doesn't hurt. I ice the area before hand. A day later though, it is sore - like I worked out too much.

This whole thing has really cut into my Christmas shopping time. I won't be able to do anything this weekend - I'll be on bedrest. I really want to try to take it easy next week - no flying to Chicago this time! But that also, for me, means that I don't want to be out doing a boatload of Christmas shopping. I'm trying to do most of it over the internet. We will have to do some in person, but I think I can limit that. I want to give the little guys their best shot at sticking.

December 13, 2005

Tomorrow is retrieval day. I'm definitely ready. I can feel my ovaries! It's not as bad as when I had the 15 follicles going. That time, if I went over bumps in the road, I was seriously uncomfortable.
I had to go in for more bloodwork this morning - to make sure I did the trigger shot correctly. I have no idea how much blood they have taken from me over the months - but I'm thinking it's a lot. I know it's a lot. So - what's the trigger shot? It's human chorionic gonadatrophin aka hcg. And please don't quote me on the spelling. The hcg does something with making the eggs mature. It's also the hormone that they measure in a pregnancy test. There are some side-effects the first few days. Basically, you get some of the symptoms of pregnancy.
Tomorrow, they'll put me out. The first time, I woke up saying all sorts of fun stuff to my husband. There's not a whole lot of pain - but it does usually hurt to laugh afterwards and to dance. I'll probably end up sleeping most of tomorrow afternoon. Then back to work for a day or two and then the transfer. There will, of course, be many more drugs in the days to come.

December 12, 2005

I trigger tonight. I've got at least 4 follicles - so off to egg retrieval we will go. This is a faster response than I've had in the past, but a smaller response. Will that make a difference? Who knows. It only takes one. It looks like I'll be doing a lot of my shopping over the internet, so as to keep my post-transfer activity to a minimum. I certainly won't be flying off to Chicago 3 days later this time!

December 11, 2005

I went for another follicle check this morning. I'll definitely be going ahead with an IVF, but it's looking like there may be only 4 follicles. That's a bit of a downer. The first time we did it, they retrieved 15. Last time, where it was iffy whether or not I would have enough to make it to retrieval, I ended up with 6. Now, only 4. I know it only takes one. To a certain extent though, I feel like it's a game of percentages. With 15 eggs, there was a much bigger chance that I would get a lot fertilized and at least one or two would get to 8 cell grade 1 embryo status. With only 4 - who knows. I shouldn't complain though. I've read, on message boards that I frequent, of twenty-somethings who produced 20+ eggs and got no fertilization or ended up with poor quality embryos. It's possible, but the numbers are just a little disappointing right now. They are also confusing. Why one month did I produce 15 and this time only 4? I know that a lot of this is a guessing game. It's trial and error to find the protocol that produces the best results.
Oh - the other thing today - looks like my retrieval will be Wednesday or Thursday. I sure didn't expect it to be that fast. I guess the thing is I have one follicle that is leading the pack and driving things - so we're going by the size of that one.
So - what else is up? Playoff today in fantasy football. I'll probably get my butt kicked, but that's okay. I've had fun. I'm working on a sweater for my husband. I like knitting, but I tend to work on projects a lot for a week or so, then put them down for months. Maybe I'll finish this sweater before our 20th anniversary! :)
I suppose I'm going to have to get off my butt and do some Christmas shopping. I had hoped to maybe take Wednesday off to do it - but I may be otherwise occupied that day. Hmmmmm internet shopping may be the thing this year!

December 9, 2005

So - it snowed today. I had to go to the RE for my follicle check and bloodwork. They take you between 7 am and 8 am for that. It's normally about a 30 minute ride for me. I figured with the snow, I had best leave early. Good thing. The town I live in had not plowed yet. Oh joy - me in my little sports car going through the freshly fallen snow! I-95 was not bad. Then I get to the Rte 7 connector in Connecticut. The bleepin' ConnDOT had not yet plowed it. As I'm approaching the end, going up the hill towards a traffic light, I'm behind a Transit bus - which is sliding to the left. I'm wondering why they had not put chains on the bus! I made it to the RE at 7:59. I'm sure they made allowances for the weather this morning and were doing monitoring later than normal.
So - how are the follies doing? I've got a couple that seem to be outpacing the others. This could be a problem. They like them to progress at the same speed. The RE doesn't seem to worried about it yet. Other than that, I seem to be right on track.
I'm looking forward to a quiet weekend. I'll watch some football, maybe do a little knitting and just relax. I'm afraid that I may get knocked out of my fantasy football playoffs in the first week - but that's okay. I made the playoffs and that's enough for me. This year. Next year - I want it all!

December 6, 2005

Not much to say today except - I made the playoffs in my fantasy football league! I am so psyched! I'm the only girl in the league! :)

And - I just found out that my meeting tonight is at 6 pm, not 7:45 like I thought. :)

And - one of my cousin's has come through and is hosting Christmas, so I don't have to make a decision to drive to the Cape or not to see my family, they'll be coming here. :) Of course, the downside to that is that I will have to get my apartment "Mom's visiting" clean because Mom will likely spend the night with me.

December 5, 2005 - afternoon

Now it's the afternoon. More time to post. So - I'm back in the saddle again - or more accurately, the stirrups. My last IVF cycle has begun. I start the drugs on Saturday. I got the expected headaches yesterday from the one drug. I expect that sometime today or tomorrow I'll have the usual emotional explosion. Picture what it's like to be PMSing - and multiple that by 4 or 5 times. When you are taking these drugs, your estrogen level increases dramatically. That's what sets off those emotional explosions.

I'm back to the same regimen that I did for my first IVF cycle. I figured I would explain what it's like.

I started with one dose of a lupron on Saturday. It's a shot given with a teeny tiny needle, done sub-cutaneously. I do it in the stomach. Beginning Sunday, I added gonal-f and continue with the lupron. I do this twice a day. The gonal-f comes in a pen. It's really neat. You dial up the dosage you need, pull the plunger out and stick the needle in. For me, one pen gives four doses. For others it's more. This also has a small needle and is done sub-q (I'm real good with the lingo now) and is done in the stomach as well. I think that some women do the shots in their thighs - but for whatever reason, I picture that as hurting. The shots really do not hurt more than an occasional pinch. I sometimes bleed a little and get bruising. Backtracking a little - a week before I started the shots, I started taking one baby aspirin per day. Being on the aspirin leads to a little more bruising than normal. The first shot of lupron gets your ovaries producing somehow. The rest of the lupron shots actually keep you from ovulating. The gonal-f is a hormone that causes the follicles in your ovaries to mature, so that you get more than the one that is normally produced. Later on in the cycle, I will take a shot of human chorionic gonadatrophin to push the follicles to final maturation prior to the eggs being retrieved.

So that's the shots part. The stirrups part is the checkups. The doctors monitor you very carefully. You get ultrasounds and bloodwork on a regular basis. As I get closer to the retrieval, it may be every day. It's really not bad. The only "bad" thing is that I end up with ugly bruises in my arms where they draw the blood. In the summer, that's hard to hide and prompts questions.

That's part one. I'll post about the egg retrieval and transfer and what follows as that comes closer for me.

I'm feeling good about this cycle. It may not work, but at least I will know that we tried everything possible. All along, since we started talking about trying to have a baby, I've pictured us as having a little boy. I want a little boy who looks just like my husband. Funny thing is - as I've started this cycle, I've been thinking more and more about having a little girl. Either way - I hope that if we have a baby, they get my husband's hair! His is a nicer color and it's curly. Mine is a blah brown - well, when it's not dyed that is - and it has no body whatsoever. The biggest negative to this cycle - but well worth it if it works - I have to go through the Christmas party season alcohol free! Like I said though - well worth it if it works.

December 5, 2005 - morning

I labelled this post "morning" because I intend to post more this afternoon. I just want to get these morning thoughts down.

Travelling in to work this morning, after yesterday's snowfall, I see the winter idiots are back in force. I don't get the people who don't clear the snow off their car. Do they not get that snow on the roof can begin to melt and slide down the window obstructing your view? But - better than that - this morning there was a guy on I-95 who didn't clear off his rear window at all. Not one little bit. Okay - I know you can use your side mirrors to see what's behind you - but not totally. Then, I get off 95 and am driving local streets and pass this woman who only cleared the area off her front windshield in front of the driver's seat and did the same in the rear. Are they lazy or dumb?

November 13, 2005

What the heck was up with Eli Manning today? 4 INTs! And the special teams - they rolled over and played dead. Still, thanks to the defense, the Giants were in the game until the end. I was afraid of this. It was a game they should have won.

I'm mostly happy with the results of the elections. My hometown is not one. I'm worried about the guy they elected and what he may do to the town. I'm also unhappy with the results in a town for which I once worked. I don't think too highly of their new mayor. It wouldn't surprise me to see the FBI checking that place out.

So - the baby making gig - where's it at. I'm nearing the end of the cycle we decided to do sans assistance. I'm doing well, feeling good about life. I worry that I will get dragged down again if the next (and last) cycle fails, but I know that with the support of my husband and friends, I will work through it. I posted a while back I think about some of my "online friends" sending me cards of support. My husband said to me that I would get the same support from the rest of my friends and family if I talked to them about it. I know that he's right, but the thing is - I can't. I just know how hard it would be to deal with all the sympathy live and in person. I suppose it's kind of strange - but that's me. And it's not like no one knows that we are trying. My sisters and mother know as does his family and some friends at work and I think half the FDNY (just kidding hon). The difference is that they are not aware of when I am cycling and when I faced the failures. That means that I'm not faced with the failure each time I see them. I did tell my older sister after the first failure. I think that aside from my husband, she understands me the best of anyone in this world. She was great and supportive and handled me how I need to be handled.

Enough baby talk. Let's talk football again. I love baseball and college basketball - but neither do it for me like football. I like to watch the offensive line when I can. You get to see how they move around on different plays. You'll see guards pulling to create the holes. It's great! I also like watching the receivers run the routes - when you can see them - TV doesn't usually show the whole field. I think that part of the reason I love football is that it's played during the fall - my favorite time of year. If I could play football - for real, not fun - I would want to be a safety or corner. They get to do just about all the fun stuff. They get to tackle. They get to intercept passes. Best of all, they sometimes get to sack the quarterback! Okay - off to check my fantasy football team!

November 8, 2005

Today is election day. Sometime later tonight or early tomorrow morning I'll learn what the next two years will be like here at work.

It's a good day out. We don't have bright blue skies, but the temperature is just right for walking. I love to go for walks at lunchtime. It gets me out of the office. When my husband comes for lunch, we walk together. We planned our wedding on our lunchtime walks. Now we are planning the rest of our lives. We talk about the kind of house we would like to buy. We look at houses we pass and talk about what we would do with them or features they have that we want in our future home.

Fall is such a wonderful time to go walking. It's my favorite season. It's football, turning leaves, crisp air, blue skies - I love it. Today, as I walked I got the best of the turning leaves. So many trees are still in full color - the reds, yellows and oranges. The cacaphony of colors is awesome. (Oh dear, I may have just Binkerized my blog.) There are a lot of leaves on the ground too. I love walking through them. The smell is great, the sound is great, the memories are great. Raking leaves was never too bad a chore because you could jump in the pile after you raked them.

When I walk alone, I listen to music. Sometimes it's a special CD for cardio, designed to get me moving fast. More often though, it's a blend I've created. Today I was listening to some Simon & Garfunkel and the Monkees. I love it when it's pre-stereo music and you get some instruments in one ear and some in the other, or you get the lead vocal in one ear and the harmonies in the other. It was a beautiful day to walk - makes you feel good about life.

November 3, 2005

Just a few thoughts - not necessarily related.

I've gotten to know some really nice people through the online world. Today I received cards from some of those people, letting me know that they were thinking of me through my struggles to have a child. It was just one of those moments that made me feel good about the world.

Being married has some less obvious benefits. As a single, you may not have that person to go to when you have one of those scary or annoying "oh crap" moments. When you are married - you have that person to lean on to help you out in the crisis. Tonight I was that person for my husband. He lost his cell phone. He had me to turn to, to help him find it. It was a minor incident, but it made me feel good to be there to help him. He's always there to help me.

How many days until the election? I can't wait for it to be over. I grew up in a political household, but let me tell you, I have no stomach for this crap.

There is one kind of person in this world that just really irritates the hell out of me. It's the person who does something wrong and no matter what you do or say, they will never be convinced that they were anything less than right. I like to win. I can't stand this kind of person because I can't win with them.

I need to send out some change of address cards soon or we may not get any Christmas cards.

This week has been wonderful weather-wise. I've walked every day on my lunch hour. Good thing, because I've eaten chocolate every day too. The leftover halloween candy won't run out soon enough for me!

October 30, 2005

Not a whole lot happening here. I'm using the month off of ART to try and drop 5 pounds. So far, I'm not doing as well as I would like. My willpower is almost non-existent. But - I am getting out to exercise more, so I just need to get the diet a little better in line and I'll be able to do it. Post Halloween will be tough - everyone brings their extra candy to work. That will be a challenge to avoid. I have to remember my old mantra "does this taste as good as being thin feels?" I'm looking more and more at adoption options - the cost is scary. On the good news front, it looks like DH finally has a contract. The retro check should put us where we need to be to start househunting. The question then will be - should we wait another year to have an even bigger downpayment? It may end up being a moot point as the retro checks may not arrive until about when we have to renew our lease or move. That may make the decision for us. The thought of packing up and moving again is not pleasant - but at least I know the next time will be the last time for about 20 years!

October 24, 2005

We had a football weekend. Saturday we got rained on at UCONN, Sunday we got a thrilling victory in the Meadowlands. I love my Giants, I just wish they wouldn't wait until the last second to win the game!

I'm doing better dealing with last week's negative results. I have my moments though when I just feel like bawling my eyes out. Tomorrow I go meet with the RE for a follow-up visit. I'm afraid he'll tell me I'm done. I really just want one more shot, then we'll give it up.

October 20, 2005

I am really struggling today. I don't know why, but this negative result is harder to take than when I had a chemical pregnancy with the last cycle. Maybe it's because I'm starting to think that it won't work and we won't have children. It could also be that my husband had to work all day yesterday and last night and tonight, so I won't see him again until Friday night when I get home from work.

I wish we could afford to adopt. I would do it in a heartbeat. The problem is, it's expensive, where with the IVF, insurance pays for most of it. If we were younger, it probably wouldn't be a problem. Of course, if I were younger, I would probably be able to get pregnant. The issue for us now is that we want a house. We are saving diligently for that. I also think that we would be in a better position to adopt if we had a house. We should be in a house within the next 2 years. But by then I'll be 46 or close to it. Then we would have to save anew for the adoption. I suppose we could borrow somehow - but we would have just borrowed for a house. Anyway, I just see the years slipping away and adoption not being feasible. I need to adjust to this reality.

October 19, 2005

Negative - it's an ugly, depressing word. I'm beginning to think that the positive result is not going to happen for me. We'll give it one more shot, but then that's it.

October 17, 2005

Tomorrow is b-day. I go for my beta test aka pregnancy test. I'm nervous. I have decided that whatever the outcome is, I need to start eating healthier. If it's negative, I'll also get my butt back to the gym. If it is negative, we are taking a month off. My goal will be to lose 5 pounds in that month - should be very do-able. If it's positive - a whole new world begins for us.

Work issues - stupid people, obnoxious people, lazy people, greedy people - all driving me up a wall. There are the ones who show up to work 15 minutes early, spend that 15 minutes getting their coffee and chatting and then want to be paid OT for the 15 minutes. But - when they show up 15 minutes late - well - don't dock me! Or how about the "public policy" people who just hate taxation and government workers and look to pick fights with us and want to show how incompetent we all are and how we are ignorant, etc. Well - aside from the 15 minute club - they are so off base. And it's just so much fun when they get all high and mighty with you when they have no right to do so, but there is just nothing you can say to convince them that they are wrong. After all - they are never wrong. And the sky is green.

Which brings me to - beautiful blue skies!!! What a lovely sight! Three days in a row there has been visible blue sky! After 8 days of rain, it's such a fabulous sight.

October 12, 2005

Since my last post - the good, the bad and the funny. The transfer went well - after they made me lose some of my uncomfortably full bladder 3 times. That was the funny - and the good. When I arrived, one of the nurses told me that I looked too happy to be uncomfortably full. She made me - well strongly suggested it - drink more water. Then when the RE said I was too full - well, I couldn't help but laugh. We transferred 4 eggs of varying sizes and qualities. Hopefully there's a keeper in there! D-day - or is it P-day is next Tuesday.
After resting for the weekend, on Monday I was off to my first board meeting for my professional organization. I was a bit nervous, being a newbie, wondering if I really had the credentials to be there, etc. I guess I did okay. I got a call from one of the officers today thanking me for speaking up on an issue, telling me "good job." In the next year or so, I'll need to start thinking about whether or not I want to try to become President. I wonder sometime if they (the powers behind the throne) already have their eye on someone in my class, hoping to groom them to become President. What if it's me? What if I get pregnant? Would that squash that? Would I squash it? Anyway, the meeting was another part of the good.
The bad? Getting home. Delayed flights. Annoying neighbor on the plane. Her carryon? A pizza! She's telling people they can't put stuff in our overhead bin because they'll crush her pizza.
That's not the real bad though. The Yankees lost. Freakin' A-Rod and Matsui picked a fine time to slump. Time to focus on the Giants.

October 7, 2005

I've been neglectful. Life has been eventful in the babymaking area. A week ago, went to the RE and he was only counting 3 follicles that would make it to harvesting, so he said we are going to do IUI. I go back Sunday thinking I am going to trigger that morning for a Mon/Tues IUI. The doctor walks in and starts talking IVF. Okay. He says the nurses convinced him he was being too strict. Okay. We get on with the ultrasound. I was really in good spirits. We joked about my lagger ovary. Well, it wasn't lagging anymore. I had blossomed over the weekend. I now had 6 candidates! Granted that wasn't as good as the 13 I had going into the last egg retrieval - but way better than 3! So - egg retrieval was Tuesday. Everything went smoothly. All 6 were mature, all fertilized natural, 4 of them looked good as of Wednesday. I go for the transfer today. I have not gotten a call cancelling, so there's at least one to transfer. All it takes is one - right? I'll keep repeating that and maybe believe it some day. So - we go on - PIO shots in the butt each morning, pills, pills, pills each night. The shots are the icky part. The needle is big. It doesn't hurt - except to look at it! :) After, I just feel like I pulled a muscle. I can deal with that. Once again, I realize how lucky I am to be married to my husband. He is just wonderful with all of this. He takes care of me. He does my shots when he is home. He's just the best. I love him so much!